


So much for my happy ending

by PhoenixMoon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, M/M, Magic-Users, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 11:15:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 60,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11379072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixMoon/pseuds/PhoenixMoon
Summary: Bucky has been back for a while, but is ignoring Steve. Steve can only take so much before heart break leads to depression. Can the two of them figure things out before it's too late?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story may start off sad, but i promise it will have a happy ending (eventually)  
> Each chapter will be in either Steve or Bucky's POV  
> BTW I've shortened Natasha's name to Tasha due to my Original Character (originally named Nat, now changed to Natalia) is similar so i didn't want to cause any confusion on the advise of one of my reader, i did change it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 6 months since Steve found Bucky and returned home with him, but while Bucky seems to be getting on with everyone, he refuses to spend any time with Steve. Steve is not reacting well to this, but it will pass right?

Chapter 1 – Steve’s POV

It’s been 1 year since the incidents with the HYDRA and SHIELD and 6 months since I finally found Bucky and got him the help he needed to rid himself of the brainwashing from HYDRA. He’s been doing well and has now moved into the Tower to join us as part of the Avengers. 

Although a few of the team were sceptical at first, they seem to have really taken to him and he seems to be getting better and more like the Bucky I know before everything happened, with just one exception, he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me!

I’ve tried to talk to him to make sure he was ok, try to get him to talk to me, but I never seem to get more than a grunt of acknowledgement or a hello before he either turns his back to me, shuts up or moves over to Natasha and that hurts.

I get it, I do. He’s been through a lot and the guilt of what he has done can be too much for him, but I wish he would at least try to talk to me. I try to give him the space he needs, but would still try to get more than a hello out of him.

The evenings and when we are in battle are the worst. At least in the tower I can go elsewhere and try not to bother him as he doesn’t what me to be around, but as the leader of the Avengers, I have no option but to work with him and give the orders. When I have tried to get him to cover me, he instead opts to go with Tasha and leave me with Sam. Don’t get me wrong, Sam is a great fighter and we work well together but I miss having Bucky with me.

In the evenings, when we have a movie night or dinner, he opts to sit a far away from me as he can, avoid any eye contact or chance for me to check up on him. He would rather send his evening cuddling up to Tasha and laughing and joking with her.

And it breaks my heart. Before the war, we did everything together and when the war was raging we had each other’s back. The heart break comes when I think about what else we did during that time. 

We first started sleeping together when we moved into our own apartment. One night, after a lot of drinking on his part and a little drinking from me he confessed that he liked me more than a friend and wanted to have sex with me. I was shocked at first, I mean why would anyone want me? I was a skinny sickly guy who would get in to fights but I was attached to him. He was everything you could want in a guy, good looking, great personality and my best friend.

When he confessed to liking me even admitted to being in love with me, I jumped at the chance to finally be with him and that night was one of the best in my life. We made love and Bucky was so gentle, knowing it was my first time. He spoke words of praise and encouragement, taking his time to open my up to make me feel as good as I could be before he finally entered me, still going slow and gentle until I started to beg him for more but he never sped up, choosing to drag it out for as long as possible until we both reached our peaks and came together.

We continued with our sexual relationship when I finally joined the war, each time it felt right, well at least it did for my. But recently I’ve started to look into our relationship a little more closely. Whenever we did have sex, Bucky had been drinking beforehand and would always be on top. There wasn’t much kissing or foreplay. He would like it if I sucked him off, but I don’t think he did that to me as many times. He would open me up a little roughly and just get on with it, seeming to only try to get himself off and leave me to get myself off, although I was much more sensitive after the serum so it didn’t take as much to get me coming hard.

Come to think of it, once he was done, he would immediately leave, never staying with me. I mean it wouldn’t look good if we got busted, but he never stayed for even a minute. Did I make a bigger deal of what we had?

The more I thought about it, the more his current attitude towards me started to make sense. It was nothing more than a way to get off for him, it was nothing more that sex as there were no girls around. It was common during the war for men to get together to let of steam, but was never talked about. I wonder how many of the others he had slept with.

Each time these thoughts passed through my head, the more depressed I felt. I thought maybe he had loved me, as he used to say it quite often pre-serum, but not so much after the serum. I guess I was wrong. Now that he has a woman interested in him, he no longer needed me. He had been welcome with, if somewhat reluctant, arms but was none the less a part of the team now, just not a part of my life.

One morning I accidently watched as Tasha came out of Bucky’s room and that’s when it hit me, he would never want me again. He never loved me. He had her now.

The thought made me physically sick and I had to rush to my room to be sick. The entire contents of my breakfast going down the toilet. I was an idiot, used by my supposed best friend for nothing.

After this revelation, I found it harder to be around him. I stopped trying to talk to him, or get him to stick with me in battle. My energy waned quickly, my mood did not brighten and i found it difficult to be anywhere near Bucky. I was tired, going to bed each night more exhausted even if there was no battle and it felt like i was living in a world, surrounded by a wall that continued to get higher, blocking out any sort of light I might once have seen. The unhappy and unpleasant thoughts ran through my head like someone was chanting them over and over again until it was all I could hear. I was pinning for someone who never wanted me, who had new friends and didn’t have to bother looking after me anymore. I gave up on the thought of us ever being friends, let alone lovers, again.

I had always cared about my appearance before, but now I couldn’t be bother. I found it hard to eat as the stress of being the leader sapped away any appetite I once had and I made excuses to either not be in for movie night or say I had already eaten.

Instead of being with my friends, I spent my evenings going to a distant gay bar to satisfy my desire for sex but even that was beginning to ebb away. 

I had kept my apartment even after moving in to the tower for my one night stands. They were nothing more than that. Tonight was no different. I just needed to feel something.

I caught the eye of a young blond guy and invited him back to mine.

I didn’t even give the guy a chance when we entered my place, I pounced on him the moment I shut the door. Not being too rough, but none to gentle either, kissing him hard and hands roaming his body. His hands came up to my waist but I didn’t give him a chance to really explore me. I pushed him against the door and started to strip him of his clothing, trying not to rip anything, but hungry to touch his naked body.

I stared to move my mouth down his neck, leaving little bit marks as I went. He just stood against the door to let me get on with it.

Once I had him naked, I stripped myself of my tee-shirt and began to rub my growing erection against his, my jeans causing friction on his naked cock. His moans started to fill my apartment and I pulled him away from to door to the couch, pushing him down onto it and pulling my jeans down to my knees and climbing on top of him continuing my early ministrations.

We were both hard at this point and I found I could no longer stand the teasing. I had to fuck this guy now.

I pulled the bottle of lube and condom out from beneath the cushion and maneuverer him on to his hands and knees. His sounds egging my on. I coated my figures and moved back to watch as they began to move to his entrance. Slowly I pushed my fingers past his tight ring and began to mover my fingers in and out, scissoring them every so often to get him ready for my cock, his moans and please of ‘more’ and ‘harder’ weakening my resolve to take this slow, to savour the feeling.

When I deemed him ready enough, I removed my fingers, put the condom on and coated my erection with the lube. I pushed my cock against his hole and started to push in, taking it slow as my cock was one the bigger side.

His pants causing me to push forward a bit faster until I bottomed out. Giving him a few moments to get used to my size, I waited for him to give to word and then started to pull out and push back in, the feeling of his tight hole giving me the right amount of friction. 

I began to speed up when I felt his muscles loosen up a bit and started to go faster and harder, his cries and moans getting louder. I moved one of my hands off of his waist to his mouth, I didn’t need my neighbour hearing him. This seemed to turn him on and he started to thrust his hips back and I pushed in. neither of us were going to last long, the feeling in my stomach growing as I moved faster and harder, chasing my release. He took his cock in his own hand and started to jerk himself off, his hand moving as fast as my thrusts. Before long, he howled into my hand and came all over my couch, his arse contacting around my cock causing me to finally lose control and cum, filling the condom.

We stayed in that position, panting and coming down from our highs. I moved to exit my now flaccid cock from his arse and removed the condom, tying it off and disposing it in the rubbish basket next to the couch. I sat back to allow him to move to sit up.

There was no small talk. I pointed him to the bathroom so he could clean himself up and he collected his clothes on the way while I removed the sheet from the couch to be cleaned.

When he was done, he merely thanked me for the great shag and left, knowing this was nothing more than sex.

Yes I know I was just using these guys, but hey if their up for it, then why not.

I moved to go to my bed and got in, the euphoria of sex making me feel good, even if only for a while before falling into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the very first story i have ever posted here and i hope it is as good as i think it is.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has his issues, but they as preventing him from talking to Steve, but what is stopping him?

Chapter 2 – Bucky’s POV

It’s been 6 months now, living and working with the Avengers and so far everything is going ok, not great, I still have my issues, but each day I am getting better. I couldn’t believe it when Steve and his friend Sam actually found me and I found myself being convinced to come back with them, promising that nothing would happen to me. 

The team were somewhat hostile towards me, and why shouldn’t they? I had hurt two of their own, almost killing Steve and trust was going to be an issue, but eventually they allowed me to stay.

Tony did threaten me that if I physically hurt any of them, I’m out of the tower for good. He can be quite scary when he wants to be.

Tasha was the first to accept me. She understood what I had been through, having had experience of her own and I found myself gravitating myself toward her and finding I was spending most of my time outside of my room with here. She was kind and helped my try to come to terms with what I had done, but she could only help so much.

Therapy helped as well, I was seeing my therapist regularly and felt safe talking to her, but there was one thing I couldn’t bring myself admit to her that I have one big fear and that was to talk to Steve. I nearly killed him and it ate me up every time he was near. I found I couldn’t look at him or even talk to him because I was too much of a coward. How do you even begin to repair a friendship when you feel so terrible about hurting your best friend?

I wanted to get down on my knees in front of everyone and beg for his forgiveness, but instead I bottled everything I wanted to say to him and choose to ignore him instead. It’s for the best anyway.

Tasha saw what it did to Steve and would scold me and call me a coward when he left the room, but I didn’t care what she thought as I believed I knew what was best.

For movie night and dinners, I stuck by Tasha like glue. When I had nightmares I would call her even though I wanted Steve. Of course she would stay with me and help me settle back down, but would not stay the night as she didn’t want anyone to think we were together. We were just friends, although I don’t think anyone buys it, not with the looks we get.

With the help of therapy, I started to accept that what I did as the Winter Solder was not me, just what was command of my body, not mind, to do.

I also found that Wanda was a great help in lifting the barriers that had been carefully built in my mind and my memories became less of a fog and more clear. She was helping me piece my past back together slowly. Each day was a long hard slog to get various pieces of the puzzle to fit.

While piecing my memories together, I came upon something that made me blush hard, my first time with Steve. I had loved that little punk for a while and finally confessed to him when I had a couple of drinks one night and spilled my guts to him and he accepted me. 

Although I couldn’t remember all of that night, I could remember that it was one of the greatest experiences of my life and slowly memories of our nights in the war came, making me feel a little more uncomfortable with each new memory. I struggled to accept them as my own memories or that it ever happened. These memories felt more like dreams that I once had.

It took a couple of weeks, but gradually I started to realise that these were my actual memories and it really happened. I started to look at Steve in a different way and that made talking to him even more terrifying. Not only had I hurt my best friend, I now know I was in fact hurting my former lover.

Each night, I would lie in my bed, going over each memory. The feel of Steve’s body when he was smaller. The feel of his soft skin and musky smell. The tightness of his passage as I slipped my aching cock into him. The sounds that came out of him as we moved together in perfect harmony.

When he got bigger, it was the hardness of his muscles and chest, the feel of his grown cock against mine. He still made the same noises as he had done, but they came with added deepness of his voice. I realized that I didn’t need to be so careful with him and the fact that I could go harder turned me on so much but at the same time, brought forth insecurities in me.

These memories would stir old feelings of love long since buried and I would jack off every night to the memories, trying to remember every detail, but once I came the weight of the guilt I carried would flair up again and I would feel shit at what I had done and how I was treating Steve.

He tried so hard and I wish I had the balls to talk to him, but nothing would come out. Now thought I had noticed a change in Steve that caused me to worry about him.

He stopped trying to get me to talk, stopped asking me to pair up with him, stopped looking at me and chose to look past me instead.

He wouldn’t join us for movie night, stating that he was busy with some art work and would retreat to his room. He started to grow a beard, something I had never seen him do. He seemed a little slower in battles and would get injured a bit more, but no one seemed worried as he could heal quickly.

I spoke to Tasha about it one night, asking if she had noticed anything different and she confirmed my suspicions. Steve was not himself but no one wanted to say anything. I asked Tasha to speak to him, but he never gave her a chance, almost like he was ignoring us both. I tried the others as well, but I don’t think either they noticed or Steve would never be alone with anyone so they wouldn’t get the chance.

When anyone did get the chance to ask him if everything was ok, he would just smile and state that yes everything was ok and it would seem to calm the team down a bit, but not me. I knew when he was lying and that’s what he’s doing now.

Then he started to go out at night. He wouldn’t tell anyone where he was going and wouldn’t come back until the early hours of the morning.

I talked to my therapist about my fears, and although she did try to understand, she also tried to push me to get over myself, grow a pair of balls and talk to him myself instead of going through others. She didn’t mince her words that’s for sure.

I had to get over my issues if I’m ever going to give myself the chance to talk to Steve and maybe get our friendship on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if i'm happy with this chapter or not, but thought i should put it up anyway. Think i write better for Steve then Bucky, but let me know what you think


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve needs a friend more then ever and who better to help him out then a neighbour who is also alone in this world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so Natalia is my original Character and is my alter ego in stories. There is no love interest between my OC and Steve here

Chapter 3 – Steve’s POV

Waking up was easy after a night of sex and everything felt right in the world, until my brain caught up and then reality sets in. I was in love with someone who never loved me.

The crushing weight of what I am doing to myself and what was going on with Bucky causing me to slip further into the void that was now my life and the numbness I felt now would set in.

Only today, I didn’t have time to wallow or focus on the void too much. Tony called to say there was an attack down town and we were needed. I was not feeling my best today and I asked Tony if he wouldn’t mind leading. We would usually take turns if one of us didn’t sleep too well the night before, so it wasn’t unusual for me to ask him and he said yes without question.

As quickly as I could, I got ready, remembering to grab my shield. I kept a spare suit at my place for this exact reason. Upon leaving my apartment, I bumped into my neighbour. Her name was Natalia and I grew to like her over the past year or so. She has since become a very good friend. She knows who I am, but never says anything. No one else knows I live here and she helps me keep it that way.

Every time she saw me, she would say hello and smile. Today was no exception

“Morning Steve, be careful out there today” she said after seeing me in my suit

“Hey Natalia , I’ll try” I smiled back before heading to my bike

“Pop over when you’re down” she called after me and headed into her apartment, following by her Jack Russell, Jessie.

“Will do” I called back. 

I got on my bike and headed to meet the team. When I got there, none of the others had arrived yet, so I proceeded to get on with it on my own. The team tuning up not five minutes later with Tony leading and getting the job done.

The battle was short, just some lowlife criminals threatening the people of the city. It didn’t take long for them to be dispatched. Honestly I don’t think the whole team was even needed. They could have dealt with this without me.

After it was done, the team grouped together to double check everything had been dealt with accordingly. Once the formalities were over, I chose to leave.

“Hey Steve, where you been man?” Sam asked me after the battle was done and in front of the rest of the team

“Nowhere” I lied “why do you ask?”

“Well, none of us have seen you this morning and you got here first” Sam quizzed

“You guys are just too slow” I joked and went to get my bike, leaving them all, not looking at either Bucky or Tasha

“Okay” Sam didn’t believe me, but I didn’t care. It’s not like they need me around all the time. 

“Right, so I’ll see you guys later” I told him and went to get on my bike

“Where are you going?” he asked me

“Well, I was meeting a friend and this has caused me to be late, so I better get going” and before I could give anyone a chance to say anything, I started up my bike and rode off. 

When I got back, I went to change and then knocked on Natalia's door.

“It’s open” she called out so I went in immediately go jumped on by Jess.

“Hey girl” I said and I patted her head.

“That was quick” Natalia commented as she came out of the kitchen

“Yeah, nothing to bad” I replied and moved to sit down on her couch.

“Coffee?” she offered

“God, yes” 

I sat and continued to pat Jessie until Natalia came in

“Dude, you look like shit.” She pointed out

“You’re not wrong there”

“When was the last time you ate anything?” Damn this girl is good

“Yesterday” I admitted truthfully. 

Natalia moved off the couch and after a few minutes, she came back with breakfast for me.

“Eat” she commanded

“Yes ma’am” I jokingly replied, but eat none the less. Food didn’t taste of anything to me anymore, but that didn’t stop her from feeding me anyway.

We became friends shortly after SHEILD went down and I was at a bit of a lose end, not really knowing what to do or where to go. We bumped into each other one day, when I was in a bit of a rush and accidentally split coffee over her in a shop. I apologised and offered to buy her another drink and we proceeded to spend the afternoon together. It wasn’t long after that, that we became good friends.

She a lovely person. 30 years old, with two brothers. She would sometime come over when I was on my own and we would talk, laugh and she would generally make the world feel like a better place when she was around if only for a while. 

Over the past couple of weeks I found that I would go over to hers as soon as I could. It meant less time around the team where they might notice something was off and even less time spent on my own. She knew I what was going on as I have confided to her one night. She understood what I was feeling as she had gone through the same thing and would now take it upon herself to be not only my confidant, but also a caring friend who I could spill my guts to and not be judged. I never had to worry about what may come out of my mouth.

I found out early on that Natalia was a witch. No not brooms, hexes and potions, she is what she calls a Therapy witch. Someone who uses their magic to calm and help others when they need it. She’s helped me quite a bit when I’m having a bad day. Using her magic to spread calm though out the apartment, to help me get to sleep when I cannot. She’s more than happy to tire herself out to help me then to leave me in any bad state I might be in. 

At first I was weary because of what happened early on with Wanda, but soon found that, while she was quite powerful, she would only ever use her magic when I asked and refused point blank to use it on anyone. She would do anything to avoid using her magic. Of course she had slipped up at times in the past and it caused a lot of issues with her old friends, which is why she takes such great care now. I think we gravitated towards each other because we were so lonely on our own.

When the problems with Bucky surfaced, I found Natalia to be easy to talk to and spent some of my free time with her, telling her everything that was going on and how I felt about it. Besides Bucky, I hadn’t found anyone, not even Sam, as easy to talk to. She was a constant calming presence in my life through all the chaos around me. 

“So what was that guy like last night?” she asked

“Oh god, did you hear him?” I worried

“No, saw him leave” she commented

“Oh, it was fine” was all I said

“Right, so what’s going on then? Spoken to Bucky yet?” See told you she knew every thing

“What’s the point” I admitted “Not like he would say anything to me anyway”

“Steve, I know what I am about to say will fall on deaf ears, but you are never going to feel better unless you get it out in the open and actually tackle the issue. And these meaningless one night stands are not going to help you. You have got to talk to him, if only to get him to confirm that you and he are never going to get back together. At least then you would know and would be able to move on instead of pinning for him, maybe even be friends again” 

I had heard this from her a couple of times and I know she’s right, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

“Have you ever through of becoming a therapist?” I deflected

“God no, can’t stand people. Prefer animals” she responded, knowing full well what I was doing. “Look, if you’re not going to talk to him, maybe put some distance between you. Move back to your apartment full time and figure out what you really want in life”

“What about the team?” I asked

“You could still help when you’re needed, but you are never going to get better while you are living there”

I couldn’t help but think she was right. Maybe not having to see Bucky everyday will help me get over him and move on. I do deserve happiness after all and if he has found his, it’s time to find mine.

“That’s actually a good idea” I admitted “But how do I tell them?”

“Do you have to tell all of them? Maybe just speak to Tony. Let him know that you’re moving out of the tower, but to call when they need you” she suggested

“Damn you're good. I’ll go and speak to him now” I agreed and got up to leave

“If you need any help, I could come with you?” she offered

“I think I can handle this”

“No worries, call if you need me” she offered

And with that, I headed to the tower. No idea how Tony is going to take this, but it’s worth a shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is better then my last chapter. I think i might just do the rest of the story from Steve's POV but let me know what you think. Should i switch between the two? decisions, decisions


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is noticing differences in Steve. What can he do to help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and Kudos. It's helping me to keep going.

Chapter 4 – Bucky’s POV

Well that was odd. First Steve’s there before any of us then ditches us for a ‘friend’.

So Steve to leave so soon after a debriefing, not really acknowledging any of the team, is not like him at all. And was I imagining it, but was he a lot slower today than normal and looking a little more scruffy and thinner than ever?

Back in the jet, Sam commented on the fact we had been ditched and said quite loudly that maybe Cap had finally gotten laid and that’s the ‘friend’ he’s meeting, which stung me a little. Did he have someone else now?

I know I have no right to feel jealous, it’s not like I have any claim to him with what has happened, so why did it hurt so much to think there maybe someone else in his life?

Throughout the whole journey back to the tower, I was too lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even realise that we were back to the tower, Tasha caught me as we exited the Jet and asked me if I was okay

“You seem much quieter than normal” she stated

“Do you think Steve may have someone else?” I asked

“I don’t know. Why don’t you talk to him and find out?” she offered

“You know why” I said, irritated that she asked me that again, can’t she just drop it?

She just looked at me sadly and left me on my own to wallow in self-pity. She knows it’s best to leave me alone when I’m throwing my own pity party, and right now it peak party season. She’s right though, I do need to talk to Steve and I’m starting to get the courage to do so, but still have no idea where I would even start. Thankfully I have therapy today so hoping that she can guide me.

I meet with my therapist, Tessa every two weeks now as she doesn’t think I need to see her every week. After each session, I feel the weight on my shoulders lift a little more, but it’s also one of the most tiring thing I go through. She’s quite nice and calming. She listens to me then offers the best advice she can, but is also straight to the point and can be harsh if required.

Today was no different

“James, come in please” she called me

“Hi” I said as I sat down

“And how are you doing today?” she asked

“Um… I’m not too good today” I admitted

“Oh dear, well why don’t you tell me what’s going on and see if we can find a solution?” she offered

“Okay, well … where do you want me to start?” I always struggle with that bit

“Well as it is one of the biggest issues you have brought up in past session, I am wondering how are you and Steve getting on?” she asked making me lower my head “Ah, still haven’t spoken to him yet then? Ok how are the memories coming along?”

“They’re getting there. I remember a lot more about my past and of Steve” 

“That’s good. Any progress is good progress, but if you are to truly move on, you need to go out of your comfort zone and actually initiate a conversation, even if it just a ‘how are you’. That would be a good place to start”

I slung my head back on the chair and stared at the ceiling. “I… I don’t seem to find the right time. He doesn’t seem to be around much anymore and now I think he is seeing someone” I blurted out feeling tears form in my eyes

“Why do you think that?” she asked, prying deeper to pull more out of me

“We had to deal with an issue in the city and he was there before us and then left abruptly afterwards, saying he was meeting a friend and that he was late seeing them”

“Do you really think he would see someone else?”

“I don’t know. Sam said that maybe he had finally gotten laid and that got me thinking that maybe he’s moved on. It’s hard for me to admit these things to anyone, but I know what I say is safe here. I can’t help but I think he’s given up on me completely now. When he tried to talk to me, I at least felt like he still cared enough, but the last few weeks, he doesn’t say anything to me or even try to acknowledge I’m in the room. I know I did that to him, but at least he was trying. He’s never given up on anything before, too bloody stubborn, but now I don’t know. Is it possible I’ve pushed him so far that he doesn’t want to know now?” I couldn’t help but spill everything I have pent up. Tears now flowing freely

“James, from what you have told me about your history together, it sounds like you’ve been pushing him away so much that maybe now Steve has decided that you don’t want anything to do with him and it’s possible that it’s hurting him more than he would be willing to admit”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen” I interrupted

“I know you didn’t, but maybe it’s just gotten too much for Steve. Do you think I’m right?”

Damn this woman is good. And yes she’s right. Steve would never give up on me unless I had truly hurt him enough to make him give up. All this time I thought by not talking to him, it would be easier, but in fact the opposite has happened. I’ve hurt Steve more by ignoring him then if I just out right told him that I couldn’t live with what I did and needed to forgive myself before we could move on. If I had just told him that, maybe he would still be there when the time came that we could move on.

I promised him that I would do anything could to show him I loved him, he’s self-doubt would always flair up every now and then and he would think I would get bored of him and move on and I promised him that would never happen and all I’ve done is break that promise and push him away.

Fucking HYDRA and my fucked up brain for thinking I was helping!

“Hit the nail on the head there didn’t I?” Tessa finally piped up

“You always do. I’m such a horrible person, no wonder Steve has given up on me. I never meant to do that to him, I love him so much and all I’ve done is fuck things up. He’ll never forgive now” I said, defeated

“Not true. You just need to talk to him. Find a quiet time, when it’s just the two of you and start with a hello if that’s all you can get out. Maybe write a list of things you want to say to him, to help you when the time comes and you get the courage to finally speak to him. Or if you really feel that you cannot say anything, why not try and write him a letter and put it somewhere that he would see it. It might just help to break down that barrier between you” She offered

“I guess I could give it a try.” I agreed maybe it’s not too late for me to fix things.

Heading back to the tower, a little bit of hope spurned me on to make things right with Steve, even if we don’t get together, maybe I can repair our friendship. After all, if he does have someone else, then he wouldn’t want to get together with me and I would respect that.

When I got back I did what Tessa said. I sat and wrote down everything I wanted to tell Steve. When I finished the first draft, I read back through it and made notes on what else I wanted to include. . It took me multiple tries to get it right, to express everything I wanted and needed to say but I think it says everything I wanted to say.

Maybe this could work. Now all I need to do is find a good place to put it for him to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for getting this far. I'm slowly becoming more confidence in my writing, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve needs to move out, but how will Tony take it and will the rest of the team find out what is going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the comments and kudos. i cant believe how many I've gotten for my first story. It means a lot

Chapter 5 – Steve’s POV

Meeting with Tony was the easy part, trying to explain to him why I wanted to move out of the tower was the harder bit. I tried to get away without having to tell him much details, but Tony being Tony, he wouldn’t stop prying until I gave in and explained what was going on with Bucky, the fact that his behaviour towards me had me going in a downward spiral and trying to pull myself together was difficult if the situation didn’t change,

“You know, I could always move him out if needed” Tony offered

“No, he’s finally comfortable enough here and I don’t want to cause him stress” I said

“You sure? I’d rather you be here then him”

“I appreciate that Tony, but right now, I need to be on my own. We both know I’ve not been myself and I have a few things I need to sort out before I can do anything” I admitted

“So what, you’ve given up on him?” Tony asked

“I don’t know. I don’t want to give up on him but what choice do I have?”

That I can’t tell you as it’s not me in this situation. Look, I’m not happy about this. What if we need you?” 

“Then call and I’ll be there, but I won’t lead the team. I can’t risk the team being hurt on my watch” I responded

“You going to be all alone again” Tony pointed out “Just like before”

“I won’t. I’m good friends with my neighbour and she’s not about to let me get any worse. In fact this was her idea”

“Really? Not sure if that makes me feel better, but I get that you need to do this. We can’t lose you Steve” he had every right to be worried.

“I know, look here’s Natalia’s number. If you want to check up on me, you can call her” I offered writing Natalia’s number down and handing it to him.

“Fine, so how do you want to do this?” he asked

“I don’t want the team to know. If you could maybe arrange for them to train, it would give me the time to get a few bits” I suggested

“Fine, but you need anything, let me know” he said and hugged me before heading to gather the team for training.

Once I knew the coast was clear i headed to my room. I didn’t really need much, just some clothes and another one of my suits, but that was about it. As quickly as I could, I got my stuff, checked to make sure no one had snuck out of training and then left the tower. I hoped it wouldn’t be a long term thing, but I have no idea how long getting over Bucky would take. 

Natalia joined me that night to make sure I was ok. She can be such a mother hen sometimes but I appreciated the company. When I finally went to bed, I knew I wasn’t on my own in this. I had Natalia and I had Tony if I needed them. It’s going to take a lot of time to get this under control, but I was heading in the right direction.

For two weeks, Tony left me alone and didn’t call me into battle, which I appreciated but didn’t stop me worrying about the team when it came onto the news.

However, this peace could only last so long before Tony called to say that they needed to pick me this time and I couldn’t avoid it. Only this time, it wasn’t close to the city, but a distance away, requiring us to use the Jet to get there. Tony offered to come by and pick me up, but I really didn’t want the team to know where I was living so we agreed that I would make my way to the Tower. I was only 5 minutes away anyway by bike. It would take the team that long to get ready so I had time.

When I got there, the team had suited up and were heading to the jet. Bucky and Tasha were sitting together as usual and Sam had saved my usual seat, ready for the team to be briefed on the mission. As Tony was now leading the team, there was no reason for me to be in the middle of the group. I just smiled at Sam but headed to the end of the row of seats to sit next to Wanda instead. I could feel the stares that were being directed my way, but refused to acknowledge them. We sat in silence before Tony briefed the team and gave orders.

“Right team listen up. The east side of the city is being attacked by a rouge group of criminals. We don’t know anything about them other than they are extremely dangerous so I want everyone to pair up. Cap, Wanda you two are together and are to protect the citizens, Sam, Clint, Natasha & Bucky, you are with me and we are going engage the enemy and take them down. This needs to go down smoothly and quickly” Tony ordered “Get re[]/ ady as we are here”

Tony landed the Jet and Wanda and I ran towards the citizens, ready to defend them from the attack. We work well together that’s for sure. Wanda held of the fire while I moved people to a safer area. Once or twice she would shout about an enemy that had slipped past her, but I took them down easily. I was still slower than normal, but my reflexes were getting back to their usual standards.

Over the com’s I could hear the rest of the team calling for back up so Wanda and I ran over join them as we had dispatched our lot already, to which Tony agreed so Wanda headed off to help.

The team were getting overrun and I could see that Sam and Clint had been pinned down. Throwing myself in the way to block the attached, I gave them time to take the enemy out. Wanda was blocking Bucky and Tasha from being attached so Sam, Clint and I went round the back and removed the threat.

When we finally dispatched all of them, we could finally breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Nicely done team” Tony congratulated us and once all the enemies were rounded up to be taken away, we headed back to the Jet.

Again I sat next to Wanda and we chatted for a bit

“You did great today” I said to her

“Thanks, we work well together” she smiled

“Yes we do. Maybe we could convince Tony to pair us up more often” I offered. 

“That would be great” she beamed, clearly happy with that idea.

It didn’t take to long for us to get back to the tower and the team departed, with the exception of Tony and me. He wanted to chat to see how I was getting on.

“I’m fine, better even. Already making progress” I admitted, time away was doing me the world of good.

“Good” he responded we left the jet, side by side. 

“Well hello stranger, long time no see” I heard Tasha say from behind me

“There a problem?” I asked as I turned round to face her

“Well, yes there is actually. Your avoiding us and I want to know why” she exclaimed

I didn’t say anything to her, spotting Bucky hiding by the door. I didn’t have to explain myself but at the same time I couldn’t think of a response quick enough.

“Steve, what is going on with you?” She asked

“Nothing”

“You’re a bad liar”

“Look, I’m fine and I would appreciate it if you would leave me be. Now if you’ll excuse me, your boyfriend there is waiting for you” I pointed to Bucky over by the door and turned around and left, leaving Tasha there on her own.

“Steve …” she called out, but I ignored her and went to get my bike. I needed to leave before I said anything else. I just wanted to get home and clean myself up. By the time i got home and into the shower, I felt a little bad about how I spoke to Tasha, she doesn’t really deserve it as she had been a good friend, but I couldn’t say anything all the time Bucky was standing close by. I’m so tired of lying to my team, but if they all knew, I wouldn’t have the space I needed. 

After today's events, once my head hit the pillow I feel in to the first deep sleep I had have in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter down. feedback is always appreciated


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally decides to get his head out of his arse and do something, but it might be too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for your support. I'm enjoying writing this story so much now and all your support helps

Chapter 6 – Bucky’s POV

“What do you mean he thinks we’re together?” I exclaimed

“He called you my boyfriend Bucky” Tasha responded.

“But… when have we ever given him that idea?” I asked

“I’ve no idea, but he does think we are together.” She pointed out

“Blood hell, this is such a mess. I need to find him and clear this up” I left the jet room to go and find Steve, following the direction he headed in hoping to catch him before he locked himself in his room again.

I stood outside his door, my hand ready to knock, but hesitating. How the hell was I even going to start this? ‘Just breathe and knock, breath’. Eventually, I had calmed my breathing down enough to finally knock twice.

“Steve?” I called out as I entered his room after I got no answer. Checking the room, I could see that he wasn’t in here. I stood to see if I could hear him anywhere in his room, but was met with silence. Okay, so where else would he be? The Rec room was my next port of call, maybe he’s in there relaxing, but no wasn’t here either. As I was leaving I bumped into Sam

“Hey Sam, you seen Steve anywhere?” I asked

“Actually no I haven’t seen him. I just checked the Gym and he wasn’t there so came here but I guess from your question, he isn’t here either” Sam stated

“Shit” I exclaimed

“Why are you looking for him anyway?” Sam asked

“Does it matter?”

“Well yes actually. It’s not like you’ve tried to talk to him before” came Sam’s reply a hint of sarcasm in his voice

“I know, don’t think I haven’t been thinking about it. I’m trying to fix that which is why I’m looking for him” I confessed

“Huh… well ok then. If you’re trying I guess I’ll help you find him” Sam agreed

“Thank you” I said sincerely and we set about looking for him. We checked everywhere but couldn’t find him at all. By now we were both worried and headed down to see Tony. Topny stated that after they left the Jet room, Steve had said that he was going out for a while, but he said Steve would be back later. So determined to fix things, I decided I was going to wait up for him. I was going to speak to him today regardless of what time it was. He never turned up.

This went on for days. He was either out seeing a friend, out for a run or in his room painting and didn’t want to be disturbed. I was beginning to think they were lying to me and I needed to get to the bottom of it, but before I had time, the city was attached again. This time, Steve didn’t meet us on the Jet, but was their before us again. Starting the battle before we joined in. 

Rather than heading off with Tasha, I decided to stick close to Sam and Steve. Steve looked rather shocked to say the least when he saw me standing next to him, but we didn’t have time to say anything to each other. It didn’t take long before the three of us quickly got into a rhythm. It felt to be good fighting beside Steve again and we worked together to dispatch our enemies, just like the good old days. Every now and then I would see Steve smile at me as I took down one bad guy after another as he shielded us.

Communication wasn’t needed between us as instinct kicked in and it was like all the years past didn’t mean anything. It was like they never happened.

Everything was going too well though as, when Steve turned to take another one down, one of them managed to shot him from behind and he went down hard. 

“STEVE!” I shouted and shot the guy, rushing to his side as he didn’t get back up

“Steve, talk to me buddy” but he wasn’t responding

“Fuck, Steve’s down” I heard Sam shouted to the rest of the team

“On my way” came Tony’s reply

“Come on Steve, don’t do this now” I was panicking now

“Bucky?” he finally started to stir

“Yeah, it’s me. Where are you hit?”

“Lower back. Damn thing hurts” at least he was talking

“Let me look” I moved to look where he had been hit. It looked like multiple shots “Damn, Tony hurry” I all but shouted through the coms

“How bad is it?” Steve asked

“Bad, multiple shots too close to the spine, don’t move” I told him, not knowing how long Tony was going to take, I decided now was a good time to apologise

“I’m sorry Steve”

“What for?” he responded

“For being a complete arsehole and ignoring you.” I finally told him

“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine” he said

“No, it’s not!” I didn’t get a chance to say anything as he passed out just as Tony got to him. As much as I didn’t want to leave him, Tony had to get him back to the tower

“Finish off here while I get Cap to Dr Cho” he said as he took off with a still unconscious Steve.

I couldn’t move, too much in shock at what had just happened. Sam finished the last of them and shouted to me “Bucky either help out here or go to Steve, either way get your head out of your arse”

It took a moment to register before I got up and headed to the tower, running as fast as I could.

What felt like ages to get there, but was only a few minutes, I arrived at the Tower and took off as fast as I could for medical bay, finding Tony waiting outside the room he was in.

“How’s he doing?” I asked Tony

“Not sure, Dr Cho’s looking him over now. We all heard you by the way” he replied

“And?” was all I could say

“About fucking time. When he’s awake, do you want to go in first?” Tony asked me

“You sure?”

“Yeah, about time you two talk it out” he said

“Yeah, if that’s ok?” relief flooding me as it would seem that I would get the chance after all.

The sound of Tony’s phone going off broke the silence and he excused himself to take the call. I stayed put and waiting for the doctor to come out pacing back and forth unable to stay still.

It took a while but by the time the doctor was out the rest of the team where with me.

“Ok, Steve’s stable but unconscious for now. I had to knock him out to get to the bullets. They were small enough to penetrate quite far below the surface, but didn’t hit any internal arteries or organs. He’s healing up fine.”

“When can we see him?” Clint asked

“Give it a couple of hours, I had to give him strong stuff” she stated

“But he’s going to be ok?” I had to ask

“Yes, he should be fine.” She smiled “although I did notice something that caused me a bit of concern. Have any of you noticed that he has lost a bit of weight and looks very tired?”

“What?” Tasha exclaimed “How?”

“I would say he’s not enough for his metabolism. But from what I can see, it’s quite a bit. What does he eat?” she asked us

The silence was deafening. No one could answer as no one ever saw him eat. Clint finally told Dr Cho of this.

“How is it possible that none of you see him eat?” she asked. Again none of us had an answer “Okay, can I talk to you all away from Steve’s room please?” she directed us out of the medical area and proceeded to quiz us about Steve’s health and condition. When no one could offer any sort of explanation, she decided that she was going to keep him here until she saw signs of improvement.

“This is all my fault” I piped up when she left us, suddenly dropping to the couch, head in my hands and once again the guilt of everything that has happened once again eating me up. I felt unable to stay with the team, I had to leave, Sam following me

“Bucky, wait up” he shouted after me grabbing me as we got to the rec room

“It’s all my fault” I kept repeating over and over again

“Bucky, pull yourself together already” he said, silencing my ramblings

“Sam, if I had just spoken to him, he wouldn’t be like this!”

“Ok, yes this is partly your fault, but none of us noticed anything was wrong either. None of us thought for one minute that there was anything wrong with Steve.” He stated

“I knew it was hurting him that I wasn’t speaking to him and I knew he was a bit depressed about it, but I didn’t think it was that bad” I admitted

“So go in there and talk to him. Make this right” Sam told me

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I headed back to the medical area, stood outside his door, took a deep breath and opened the door, to find an empty bed. His suit was gone, the window was wide open and he was gone. I couldn’t stop the sob that existed my mouth and collapsed on the floor. He was gone. Sam came in and saw the empty bed

“Son of a bitch! That fucker has given us the slip again!” he left the room and ran to the team

I heard the team enter and see what we saw, Tasha coming to my side, as by now I was fully crying. I thought maybe after our earlier conversation, ok not a long conversation, but we spoke none the less, he would maybe give me chance. 

“What is going on here?” Dr Cho entered the room 

“Your patient has slipped the net. No idea how, we just got here” Sam explained

“For goodness sake, someone find him please” she asked and the rest of the team left to try to look for him. Tasha pulled me to my feet and took me to the rec room, leaving me there to try to calm myself down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for hurting Steve but i needed a catalyst for this to happen. Please don't hurt me **runs and hides**


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve, too scared to face his friends, decides to run to the only safe place he knows, but his neighbour isn't going to let him get away that easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how many people have commented and left Kudos. you guys are the best

Chapter 7 -Steve’s POV

Shit, Shit, Shit, she’s told the team. I was hoping no one would find out and the bloody doctor goes and spills the truth to the team.

How am I going to face any of them now? Right now, my best idea was to do what I seem to be good at right now, I grabbed my stuff, opened the window to make it look like that was my way out and crept out of the room to my room.

My head was going over what had happened earlier in battle. Not only did Bucky stick around and help me and Sam this time, he actually spoke to me when I got hit and apologised to me. I couldn’t quite believe it, but it was a start. I was hoping to maybe talk this out, but now that they know about the weight loss, caused by the lack of appetite, I couldn’t face them. I heard the team through the halls, clearly looking for me. I needed to get out of here and to my apartment where I felt safe.

When it all went quite, I slipped out of my hiding place, keeping to the shadows and trying to avoid the cameras. I walked past the rec room and could hear someone talking. When I heard Bucky’s voice, thick with tears, I stopped for a moment.

“He’s gone and it’s all my fault, again!” he cried

“Dude, you need to stop this and help us find him” I heard Sam say “where would he have gone?”

“I wouldn’t know where to start.” Bucky responded

“Come on Bucky, he’s your friend, you must have some idea”

“Yeah, some friend I am.”

“Look man, you can either sit there throwing your own pity party, blaming yourself and wishing you had done things differently, or you can get off your arse, help us find him and try to make things right.” Sam pointed out to him

“He’ll never forgive me” Bucky said

“Hey, if he can forgive you for shooting him and almost killing him, he’ll forgive you for this. He understands what you’re going through, you just need to let him in. I’m sure the only reason he stopped trying because he thought it would be better to give you space and come to him, I’m sure of it”

Before I could hear anymore, I heard footsteps heading my way and I needed to get out of there. Sam was partly right, I did understand why Bucky acted the way he did, but was wrong about the not talking to him anymore. But that conversation gave me a little hope that we could be friends again. If he would let us. But right now was not the time. I need time to get better first.

I managed to make it back to my apartment block without being seen, but before I could get to my apartment, Natalia came out of hers.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she asked

“Um, I live here” I countered

“Get your arse in here” was all she said, pointing to her place, but before I could continue, she piped up again

“I have just got off the phone from Tony who called me to see if I knew where you and now find that you’ve done a runner. Steve what is going on?” she was genially concerned now. 

I has no choice but to tell her, because I know she wouldn’t let it drop.

“I got injured in the field and Bucky finally talked to me” 

“And?” she pried

“Well, he apologised” I said

“Come on Steve, what did he say?”

“He said he was sorry for ignoring me and being an arsehole” I told her

 

“Why do I get the feeling you didn’t say what you wanted to say?”

“I told him not to worry about it” I said shyly

“Steve”

“Look I had just been shot in the back, was in pain and a bit delirious. I thought I had imagined it.Well, until I heard Bucky and Tony talking then I realised it was real” I wanted to smile, but I hd just run out on them

“So why are you here instead of talking to Bucky?” she had to ask

“Because” I took a deep breath, feeling the tears starting to swell “The doctor told them about this” I pointed to my body, where in this t-shirt, you could see the weight loss.

“I got scared and didn’t want to face anyone. So I left” I was crying now

“Oh Steve. They wouldn’t have judged you, you know that” she hugged me

“I heard Bucky and Sam talking as I left though” I told her once I had calmed down enough

“What did they say?”

“Bucky was crying, blaming himself” 

“Oh, so now you know that he does care then”

“No he doesn’t. If he did, he never would of done it” I was angry now, how dare he play the victim “Now he knows a fraction of what I am feeling”

“You don’t mean that” Natalia just stared at me, as if she was a little shocked by my words.

“No your right I don’t but at least I know he feels something” I admitted. I didn’t want to hurt him or for him to be hurt, but at the same time, I cannot face anyone now.

“You should have stayed. They’re your friends. You should be able to talk to them” she finally spoke

“How?” I asked

“I don’t know, but I sure they would understand regardless. They’re worried about you.”

“I know, I don’t know what to do” I really didn’t at this point

“Right, you’ve got two days to figure this out, or I will be going there and bring one of them back here.” She said

“You wouldn’t” I argued

“Don’t make me do it now” she threatened

“Okay, two days. Just let me figure out what to say to them” I promised, even though I didn’t believe she would carry out her threat

“Fine, but you’re staying here with me, where I can keep an eye on you. God knows what you might do if you’re left on your own” 

I didn’t bother arguing with her. I laid down on her couch, my back still hurting more than it should and tried to get some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to start getting better in the next chapter, my OC is going to make sure of that


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natalia said Steve had two days and he hasn't done anything. it's time for someone to take some action

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your comments and Kudos xx It amazes me how many people are liking this

Chapter 8 – Bucky’s POV

It’s been three fucking days and we are no closer to finding Steve. It’s almost like he’s disappeared off the face of the earth. We even roped Thor into finding him, but he’s says Steve cannot be located. Where ever he is, it’s a bloody good hiding place.

Tony seems to be calling some woman, but all he ends up saying is “Well if you hear from him, let us know”. Maybe it’s this friend Steve mentioned before but how Tony has her number is anyone’s guess.

For the last three days, I have found myself going into Steve’s room, searching for any clues as to where he might be. From the looks of the room, I don’t think he’s been in here for a while. There is no sign that anyone has been staying here. He moved out and told no one. No wonder none of us had seen him around. We had thought he was just too busy, but no, he wasn’t here at all. 

I was so livid with myself. I had no one to blame but me. Steve left because of me. He thought I didn’t want to have anything to do with him or even love him and now I may have lost my chance forever.

We were all in the Rec room, trying to figure out our next move when a voice came from behind us.

“Jeez that was the easiest security system I have ever hacked” came a female voice

We all turned round, ready to defend our home and ourselves from whatever attack this might be, but all that confronted us was a woman, hands raised in defense, with some devise in her left hand.

“Whoops, should of knocked first I guess” she carried on

Tony was the first to confront our little intruder “Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?”

“I’m Natalia, the woman you keep calling every 2 to 3 hours a day”

“Bullshit” Tony responded, not believe this person

She didn’t respond, merely used her thumb to push a button on the device. Before any of us could react, Tony’s phone went off and she raised her eyebrow. He looked at his phone, back to the woman and then to his phone again.

“Oh” he stated 

“Yeah” she responded, smiling

“Okay, back to my second question, how did you get in here and please don’t tell me you actually hacked my security system”

“Tempting and probably could of done it, but I actually got in using this” she held up a card. It was Steve’s security pass.

“How did you find him?” Tony asked

“Um… how to put this in a way that won’t have you getting angry at me? The hobo’s been living on my couch for the last 2 days” she replied rather sheepishly

“WHAT! You said…”

“Hey, I said I would give him 2 days to sort his shit out and so far he’s done nothing but sleep on my couch, so here I am” Natalia interrupted

“Ok, who are you?” Sam piped up

“Oh sorry, names Natalia. I’m Steve’s neighbour, friend, confidant and personal bloody therapist or so it would seem” she responded “Oh, You missed a bullet just in front of the base of his spine, not too far under the skin. Came out yesterday as his back healed” She tossed a bullet to Tony

“And we should believe you because?” Tasha asked skeptically

“Really?”

“Yes really. You’ve come into our home, and said you know Steve, but we know nothing of you” Tasha countered

“Okay, trust issues there. I’ve got Steve’s security pass, have Tony’s number on speed dial and brought back a bullet that remained lodged in his back. That not enough for you?” Natalia questioned

“And that means what exactly?” Tasha eyed suspiciously 

“Look, You can trust me or not, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have a very depressed and worried super-soldier living on my couch. If you don’t believe me, why don’t I ring him now?” and with that she dialled a number on her phone and put in speaker.

“Hello?” came a very sleepy response

“Well good morning sunshine” Natalia joked

“Fuck off Natalia, I’m sleeping” Steve responded

“Yeah, I got that you lazy git ”

“Whatever. Where are you?” he inquired

“Shopping, you want anything?” Natalia responded 

“Nah, I’m good”

“Right look after my dog will you?”

“Sure, bye” and Steve hung up

Natalia looked at us as we processed the conversation. It was defiantly Steve, but why didn’t she say she was here?

“Okay, fine. I’ll admit you know him. Why didn’t you tell him you were here?” Tasha spoke up

“Because he would have been pissed at me and possibly run. In fact I am starting to think this whole thing was a bad idea anyway” 

“So why are you here then if you’re not going to tell him?” Sam asked

“Like I said, he had 2 days and hasn’t done anything, so I was hoping one of you could come over to kick him up the arse”

Wanda piped up suddenly “You’re like me” she quizzed

“Kind of, but nowhere near a powerful as you” Natalia responded

“What does that mean?” Sam asked

“I’m a witch, but my magic is not used to hurt or be used in any negative way”

“So how do we know you’re not controlling Steve’s actions” Tasha accused

“Will not be used to hurt anyone, physically or mentally. Think of it more like therapy magic.”

“I don’t believe you” Tasha sneered, clearly now worried that this person maybe taking advantage of Steve

“Why is he on your couch?” I finally spoke deciding on trying to find out what her intentions where

“Because he’s depressed and now worried about what you would say or think after the doctor told you about the weight loss” she looked me right in the eye when she spoke. 

“So he heard Dr Cho. But why did he run if we already know?” I probed

“Well how would you feel if something you were hiding quite well was noticed and told to an entire team of people? He did the only thing his mind told him to do. Run” she replied

No one had anything to say to that. She had a point. I know I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me. 

“Okay, so who’s it going to be then?” She said

“I think Tony might be the best one” Sam offered

“What about Bucky?” Tasha countered

“Is that really a good idea?” Natalia responded

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Tasha queried

“Just maybe not a good idea right now” Natalia answered, giving me a sympathetic look

“Well as much as I would love to trust your judgement” Tasha started sarcastically “We will decide who’s best”

“Fine, when you’ve made your decision, give me a call” and with that Natalia headed out to leave

“What was that all about?” Sam asked Tasha

“I don’t trust her” she responded

“But she knows where Steve is” came Tony’s retort

“And if I understand it correctly, that’s the one you’ve been calling, which means she’s been lying to you and she’s a witch, what’s stopping her from using it to control him to do anything she wants?”

Instead of staying to convince them to let me go, I decided to talk to Natalia alone. I caught up with her just before she got to the lift. It was almost like she could sense I was there because she turned round without me calling her.

“Something the matter?” she asked me

“Um… is Steve doing well with you there?” I managed to get out

“Bucky, right?” she inquired and I just nodded

“Look, I’ll be honest with you, he’s not good. I think you might partly know why”

Again I couldn’t speak so I nodded again

“Okay, before I tell you anything, I need to ask you a couple of questions and I need you to answer truthfully, got it?” she said

“Okay” 

“Okay, question one – are you dating Natasha?”

“No, we’re just friends”

“Good. Question two – Are you ignoring him because you no longer want to have anything to do with him?”

I didn’t really have an answer for that. Yes I was ignoring him, but not in the way Natalia worded it

“Okay, let’s try again. Do you want to be friends with him?”

“Yes” I answered quietly

“Are you in love with him?”

I raised my head at that and looked her in the eyes expecting to see something bad, but the eyes looking back at me were those of sympathy

“Yes” I admitted

“Okay than, I’m going to tell you something and you need to listen. If you do love him, you are going to have to prove it because right now he doesn’t think you do or ever have done”

“But...” she stopped me before I could say anything

“Listen, Try to remember when you first got together, then when you were in the war and see if you can see a difference, because Steve thinks he sees a big difference and thinks you only wanted him because you were drunk and there was no one else. Yes he’s told me this. And now with you ignoring him, he believes it even more now than ever. I understand what you’ve gone through and get why you would see this as the answer, but he can’t see it in a rational way. Believe me, I know what your brain is capable of when you’re depressed.”

She looked at me before continuing, no doubt seeing the tears forming in my eyes

“I’m not saying any of this to hurt you or upset you, I just need you to understand that at this moment in time, there is nothing rational about what he is thinking. It’s like a soul-sucking demon living on his shoulder telling him lies. They are very difficult to shut out and soon you start believing everything they say. Even the lies. As hard as I am trying, the little demon’s words are much stronger than my words. He loves you so much, but right now doesn’t think you reciprocate his feeling. They may be irrational thoughts but they are strong and hard to break through.”

“What can I do?” I asked

“Prove it to him. Try to get him to see things from your perspective. If you can get through to him, you both have a chance. Besides his constant pinning over you is getting on my nerves” she smiled at me

“So there is a chance, even after everything that’s happened?” I questioned

“Yes, but it may take time. Or he could jump right in your arms. Depends on how far you can break through”

If there was a chance, I’m going to take it. I suddenly remembered the letter in my room. “Can you wait here a moment?” I asked and ran off before she could answer. I got in my room and grabbed the letter left sitting on my desk and ran back to her quickly

“Could you give this to Steve for me?” I asked handing her the letter “It might help, start the process” I said with hope in my voice.

“Of course I can” she replied as she took the letter and put it in her pocket “Good luck Bucky, I’m counting on you” 

“Thank you for looking after him” I responded. She just smiled, nodded her head and then got in the lift. I stood there for a few more minutes, smiling to myself. There was a chance and I need to take this with both hands. I was going to sort this out one way or another and hopefully the letter was a good starting point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow = 8 chapters in and still going strong. 
> 
> Things are going to start improving for both Steve and Bucky now


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Steve react to the news that Natalia went to see the team and to Bucky's Letter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the Kudos, comments and just reading this. I still can't believe how this is going

Chapter 9 – Steve’s POV

  

Natalia's been gone a while now. Shopping should never take this long. What is that woman up to now? Would she have carried out her threat about going to the team? No, surely not. She wouldn’t stitch me up like right?

 

With each passing moment, I got more and more worried. What if something happened? What if she did go there and they won’t let her leave? Worse, what if she brings them here? They cannot see the state I’ve gotten myself into.

 

“Hey, I’m back” Natalia’s voice finally filtered through her apartment.

 

I was waiting in the front room, just in case someone was with her, but she came in alone. I then relaxed as there was no threat to me.

 

“Where have you been? Shopping should not have taken nearly 3 hours” I questioned her

 

“Steve, we both know where I’ve been this morning” she replied

 

“”How could you?” I all but screamed at her starting to get hysterical “Why would you do this to me? You’re meant to be my friend”

 

“Steve, I am your friend, but I can’t help you on my own” she answered in a calming voice “I didn’t tell them where you are and no one followed me that I can promise you”

 

“I cannot believe that you could do this to me” I screamed at her, standing up suddenly and ran to her bathroom, locking myself in.

 

“Steve?” she called from the other side of the door

 

“Go away. I don’t want to see or talk to you” I yelled at her

 

“Steve” she tried again

 

“Leave me alone!”

 

I heard her sigh, but she left me. I sat down in the floor and cried. I felt so betrayed by her for doing this to me. She was meant to be my friend and now she has gone and done that.

 

The whole reason I left the tower was so no one would know the whole true and she went and told them. How can I trust her again?

 

I sat there and cried and cried. The tears not stopping. I ended up crying myself to sleep, right there on the bedroom floor.

 

I heard a knocking on the door gently which roused me.

 

“Steve?” Natalia called quietly. I didn’t say anything to her, wanting her to just go away and leave me alone

 

“Steve, please you don’t have to say anything, but just listen to me okay?” I stayed silent

 

“Okay, yes it was wrong of me to go there, but I did warn you I would. I tried to give you a chance to do something, even if it was saying that you couldn’t do it but you didn’t do anything. I can’t do this on my own ok, I need someone to help me. I’ve tried so hard to get you to see that you need help and have gotten nowhere. I get that you’re hurt and if you don’t want to stay with me anymore I understand, but please try to understand I am doing this for your benefit. I promise you I didn’t reveal too much, I just had to let them know you were in a bad place and I needed help.”

 

Silence followed. I didn’t know what to do. On the one hand it hurt that she broke my trust and told them, but maybe I’m not the easiest person to live with right now. What do I do?

 

“Look, I’m heading out to take Jess for a walk. It’s up to you want you want to do. You can leave and go back to your own apartment or you can stay it’s up to you” she said sadly and I heard her leave the apartment.

 

I stayed in the bathroom a while longer trying to think what was the best thing for me to do. Really all she has ever done is help me as much as she can. I’m sure she’s even been neglecting her own social life to look after me.

 

I didn’t want to leave really. I liked it here and if I left I would be on my own. I sat there thinking about my decision.

 

By the time Natalia returned, I had moved out of the bathroom and back onto her couch.

 

“Oh, you’re still here” she said, clearly shocked that I stayed

 

“Yeah. I’m not saying I forgive you for going there, but I can see that maybe you did this to help. I think” I told her.

 

She was understanding and didn’t push it any further. We ended up in an uncomfortable silence, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. Eventually Natalia spoke up

 

“Hey, if you’re going to stay, I have a spare room you can have. You might be more comfortable sleeping there. You can even shut me out anytime you want”

 

“Okay” was all I said back still angry at her

 

“Okay, it just to the right of the bathroom” she told me, pointing to a closed door

 

I didn’t say anything, just got up and went to the room. I didn’t take in any of the décor or even look around, just went to the bed and laid onto of the covers. Still tired from all the crying, I fell asleep.

 

I woke the next day, startled as I was confused at where I was, then remembered yesterday’s events and what happened. I started to get angry again, until the more rational part of my brain decided to speak up. Natalia was only doing this to help me and she wouldn’t do anything that she didn’t think would be good for me. I think. Deciding I needed to hear her side a bit more, I ventured out of the room and found her asleep on the couch.

 

Looking at the table, I saw loads of tissues, she had clearly been crying herself. I had never seen her cry or show any negative emotion before. Before I could try and wake her, she bolted upright.

 

“Fucking nightmares” she muttered, getting up and jumping when she saw me

 

“Jesus, sorry Steve” she said

 

“Are… are you okay?” I asked

 

“Yeah, just a bit jumpy” she stated “You still made at me?”

 

“Yes” she lowered her head

 

I walked round the couch and stood in front of her. I put my hands on her shoulders and spoke.

 

“But I get why you did it” I told her, causing her to raise her head and look at me

 

“You do?” she spoke quietly

 

“Yeah” I smiled at her

 

“I never meant to hurt you or cause you to lose your trust in me”

 

Okay so that I can believe. Natalia would never do anything unless she asked, well except this.

 

“I know, all you’ve done is help and I overreacted a little bit”

 

“You were justified in your reactions.” She told me

 

“Maybe, but I can see it a bit more clearly now” I smiled at her “so did you see all of them?”

 

“Yes, but didn’t say a lot. Although I did have to tell them a little so they knew I wasn’t lying” she admitted.

 

I pulled her into a hug, my way of accepting that what she did was for the best and we sat down.

 

“Did you see Bucky?” I had to ask

 

“Yes I did”

 

“How…, How was he?” I don’t know why, but I needed to know if he was alright

 

“Worried, understandably, they are all worried about you Steve. So much so, they are were having a conversation as too who is the best one for you to meet up with” she said

 

“Oh” I had no response

 

“Oh, and he asked me to give you this” she carried on holding out a folded piece of paper

 

I stared at it for a long time. Did I want to know what Bucky had to say? Did I want to know that he had moved on?

 

“I can’t read that” I admitted “I don’t think I want to know what it contains”

 

“Want me to read it first and then to you?” she offered

 

“Would you mind” at least if Natalia reads it first, she will know if I should hear any of it.

 

Natalia took the letter from me and opened it, unfolded the paper and read it. I kept my eyes on her to watch her reactions, she doesn’t have a very good poker face. But as she read through it, all she did was raise her eyebrow every now and the, blushed a little and once done, she turned to me and smiled.

 

“I think this is something you should read yourself” she said and handed me the letter and left me on my own.

 

I took a couple of shaky breaths and began to read:

 

**_Steve_ ** _,_

_I’ve written and re-written this letter a dozen times and still don’t think this conveys everything I want to tell you._

_How & where do I even start?_

_Well, I guess the first thing I want to say to you is to beg for your forgiveness for shooting and almost killing you. I know everyone has told me multiple times that it was not me and was the Winter Soldier, but it was still my hands that pulled the trigger and my fists that collided with your face. If it wasn’t for you actually getting through, I could never live with myself if I had of killed you._

_Secondly, I want to try to explain why I have been ignoring you and acting the way I have. There is no excuse. I was being selfish and thought that what I was doing was for the best._

_I started to ignore you because of the guilt of ~~my~~ the Winter Soldiers actions. I’ve killed many people and destroyed so many lives that there are days where I find it difficult to get out of bed and plaster a fake smile on my face. Days where I don’t want to be around anyone, but not having the option. It’s taking a lot of work, but I think I’m starting to get somewhere with it and beginning to accept that that is all in the past and now I can move on._

_And there’s there is you. At first all I could remember the bad things I had done. Because of this it was difficult to be around someone who I barley remember and that wasn’t fair on either of us._

_Then the memories started to come back with the help of my therapist. Me looking after you when you were small and sickly. When your mother passed away and convincing you to move in with me. Laughing and joking and just being two young guys enjoying life._

_Then I went to war and had to leave you. Although I didn’t know why it hurt so much when I first remembered that, it made more sense as more memories came back._

_Finally, I remembered something that still causes me to blush even now. Our first night together in a sexual way. The first night we made love and my god was it perfect._

_I don’t know how much you remember of that night, but I remember that I did have to have a bit of alcohol to get the courage to finally confess to you how I felt. It didn’t matter that you were small and sickly, all I knew was that I wanted you and never again wanted to share you with anyone. That night and every night we were together got better and better. I had never taken such great care to not only be gentle but make it as good for you as I possibly could. I feel more in love with you with every passing day._

_Then the war happened and I had to leave you. It broke my heart to go and I wanted to do anything I could to stay with you, but had no choice. I had to go and leave you behind._

_When I was captured, I genially thought I would never see you again and I believed that the next time I would see you would be in heaven. And yet, there you were, right in front of me. No longer the little lad I left but this god like creature, filled out with a body to match that spirit of yours that I always knew you had._

_I’ll admit, I was taken aback and for a couple of days, had no idea how to approach you again. You were the same, but also different. You had woman throwing themselves at you everywhere you went. And then there was Peggy Carter. I could see that you liked her and felt jealously whenever you two where together._

_It wasn’t until we got into the field did I did get a chance to be with you again. I felt like I was losing you to Peggy so I thought that I would only get this chance to be with you until you would move on. When we did have sex, I found that I didn’t need to be a gentle and you were so sensitive, there wasn’t much I needed to get you off. I was hoping that by continuing to have sex with you it would remind you about how good we could be and you wouldn’t leave me alone._

_Seeing as having sex with a member of the same sex was frowned upon caused me to worry about your reputation, so as soon as we both came down from our high, I left. I didn’t want anyone to catch you with me. It hurt to leave so soon after, but you never asked me to stay anyway._

_And now, well now here we are. I’m too broken and fucked up to ever have a chance to be with you and you’ve moved on with new friends, enjoying this new era, while I’m still stuck in the past._

_This is why I’ve been ignoring you. I felt by doing this, you could continue to move on and maybe find someone who deserves you, because I know I don’t._

_I always believed that we would be together until the end of the line, but maybe that has already passed. Either way, I want you to know that nothing I did was meant to hurt you. I know it doesn’t feel like that but it was how my brain worked it out._

_I am so very sorry and if you would give me the chance, I would like for us to maybe talk again to find out where we are going to go from here._

**_Bucky_ **

I had tears running down by face when I got to the end. Somethings made sense to me, but other things did not.

 

I looked up to see Natalia was holding out tissues for me and she smiled and sat down

 

“You ok?” she asks, putting an arm round my shoulders

 

“I don’t know how to take this” I admitted

 

“Take your time to take in what he has written. Re-read and then maybe sleep on it before making a decision so you don’t act to hastily.” She advised

 

I didn’t say anything back. My emotions too heightened to say anything. I nodded and she got up to make us a drink and something to eat.

 

I re-read his words over and over again, trying to take it all in. I understood his guilt and if he would have let me, I would have helped him through it but he never let me in. Then he remembers us being together, but my memories did not seem to match his. Mine were more ‘Fuck, get off, leave’ but now I was questioning my own memories.

 

There was so much to take in and Bucky’s words expressed so much emotion that I wonder how he ever managed to keep any of this in or away from me.

 

My head began to hurt so I lay down on Natalia’s couch and closed my eyes. Trying to picture us together back then, but they were foggy to me. I was so tired and fell asleep quickly. Dreams coming to me of our times together.

 

When I woke up later that afternoon, my heart felt less heavy and my head didn’t hurt as much. I felt more awake and refreshed then I had in months. I didn’t hear or see Natalia, but for some reason this did not worry me as much as it would normally. I got up and went to the kitchen to make myself a coffee, grabbing Bucky’s letter as I went.

 

I re-read some of the letter again. It would seem that the more I read the parts about us being together, the more my memories seemed to a bit clearer. Looking back now, he was so gentle with me when I was smaller and would whisper such sweet words in my ears. The same with when we were in the war, but they were more desperate then sweet, like he was afraid to lose me like I was afraid to lose him.

 

But while one side of my brain wanted to truly believe Bucky’s words, the other part didn’t. Maybe he was just telling me things he thinks I want to hear, that he does love me and wants to make things right, when really he doesn’t and is just trying to make me feel better. I mean, he could have written this after he found out what was going on with me. There’s no way to tell just from this letter. It could have been written at any point.

 

Natalia came in while I was stuck in my own thoughts.

 

“Feeling any better?” she asked

 

“Not sure. I don’t know how to take this” I replied, waiving the letter

 

“I thought you might have that problem. Why don’t you write one back to him?” she suggested

 

“Do you think that might help?”

 

“You never know unless you try? Besides, Tony called. They want to meet up with you, but it’s your choice as to who you meet. It can be in a nutural place if needed”

 

I took a deep breath before replying “Tony”

 

“That’s a good start. You want to meet them somewhere or here?” she queried

 

“Um… I don’t know. If I did meet them, will you be there with me?” I asked

 

“You know I will” she smiled

 

I smiled back. Natalia had my back, I knew that now more than ever. “Here” I responded “Would prefer not to go out and Tony already knows some of this. I also trust him the most to not revel where I am until I am ready”

 

“Right, you sit and write your response to Bucky, while I have a shower. I’ll pass it to him when I go get Tony”

 

So I did, I sat down and wrote a letter to Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I may have Natalia get off a little too lightly, but having first hand experience on Depression, i know you can go from one emotion to the other in a very short space of time and can hate someone one day and forgive them the next (although this might just be me)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's written back to Bucky but what does it say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading this

Chapter 10 – Bucky’s POV

 

Natalia’s coming back today, the team deciding that it would be better if Tony went to Steve seeing as he knew more than any of us. I wonder how Steve took my letter to him and if he would write one back.

 

Now that I know he doesn’t live here anymore, I never realised just how much I could miss him. I’ve spent every spare minute I have in his room, just lying on his bed and smelling his scent. Looking around the room, it was barely decorated, just the odd picture he had drawn of the Avengers and a rather new one of me, not yet completed on the easel. Almost looks like he gave up half way. How could I have been such a horrible friend? I don’t deserve his forgiveness after this.

 

Tasha keeps coming in to comfort me knowing how everything hurts. She keeps telling me that I need to get a grip on myself. “ _We’re already losing Steve, don’t let us lose you too”._

When Natalia arrived, I wanted to rush straight over to her to see how Steve was doing. Did my letter help at all? But I didn’t, not wanting the team to know what I have done, not yet.

 

She sat with us talking about how this meeting between Tony and Steve would go. He’s staying with her so she can keep an eye on him and Tony was allowed to come and see him, but no one can follow to find out where he is. If she catches anyone, Tony will be sent back without seeing him. Tasha did not like this one bit and tried to argue with her about how they know him better and should be allowed to know where he was, but Tony managed to calm her down and point out that none of us knew that he was depressed or even noticed he had moved out. That hurt as he didn’t show us, but he was right.

 

Nat asked to use the bathroom and I saw this as my chance to talk to her. As it turned out, it was only a ruse by her to get me away from the team, so she could talk to me.

 

“How is he?” I asked immediately

 

“A bit better, but confused. Was not happy with me coming here. He read your letter, but I don’t know if he really took in what you wrote” she responded sadly “But he did write you one back” she continued, holding the letter in her hand

 

“Thank you” I said before hurrying off to Steve’s room to read what he had written me. Once I entered his room, I sat on his bed, took a deep breath and began reading.

 

**_Bucky_ ** _,_

_Thank you for your letter. It means a lot that you now feel more comfortable to be able to communicate with me, even if it is only via letter._

_I get it I do. It’s not easy to learn to deal with things that happened in the past and you have more reason then most to have guilt over the things you have done._

_But you are not the only one feeling guilty of their actions in the past. Do you not think that I do not feel guilty that what you have been through, that I could have prevented it if only I could have caught you and stopped you from falling?_

_If I had just managed to get to you before you fell, or maybe gone back for you, then you wouldn’t have become the Winter Soldier and gone through all you have.  Despite have the serum, I couldn’t save you and that broke me. When I crashed the plane into the Artic, you were the last thing I thought about._

_Then I wake up 70 years in to the future, in a world I didn’t recognize, surrounding people I didn’t know and thrust into a team of people I didn’t trust. Eventually we learnt how to work as a team, and suddenly I was put in charge of a team again. They weren’t the Howling Commandos’ but were close enough. But every day, I would miss my old life, my old team and my old friend. I still struggled to accept that I had lost everything I ever cared about._

_Being put in charge of a new team was hard and I still struggle now which is why Tony and I share that responsibility._

_Fast forward a bit, I found myself defending those I had grown to like from an adversary I had never experienced before. Someone who matched me in both physical ability, strength and ability. An almost inhuman person who I genially began to fear. How shocked I was when I found out that it was you, with no memory of who either of us where._

_Having to fight against you was terrifying. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had a job to do and couldn’t let you stop me. I’ll gloss over the rest, but I knew I had gotten through to you when you let me fall and then save me._

_But that hurt just as much because you were able to save me, but I couldn’t save you._

_So I looked for you. I wanted to make thing right and get you the help you needed. It took a while but I found you and brought you back with me. I was pleased that I was able to get you help, but also apprehensive about how we would go forward._

_I knew and understood that you would need time and space to come to terms with everything so I waited and hoped that we could move on._

_But while I waited on the side lines, you had already begun to move on._

_You started to get to know the team and learn the trust them as I had and some of the old you started to come through, but wouldn’t acknowledge our friendship. I would try to talk to you, but you would only give me either a swift ‘hi’ back or nod of your head before turning your attention back to whoever you were talking at the time, usually Tasha. I took the hint that maybe you weren’t ready yet but I didn’t hurt any less._

_Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did you blame me for not catching you? These thoughts would go through me head every day and gradually got worse. And so I slowly began to sink into a pit of despair. As the team were so blissfully unaware of anything, I was able to hide it for a time._

_And so the cycle would continue, before I found myself unable to even acknowledge that I had a problem, convinced it would go way when we would finally talk. That never happened._

_Eventually I found that I couldn’t take things the way they were anymore. I couldn’t be in the same room as you because it hurt too much. All those years as friends and lovers clearly never meant as much to you as they did me._

_I couldn’t be around you or the team as they seem to like you a lot more than me. Your fun to be around and I’m just a bitter old man. I was only the leader of the team, nothing more. Except with Tony. He was the only one who seemed to notice anything was wrong but I was able to lie to him for a long time, but I still felt like he had my back._

_I guess it’s just lucky I still had an apartment outside the tower and was able to meet a new friend, my neighbour Natalia. She wasn’t like other people I had met. She saw through the shield and suit and just saw me as Steve. A regular guy who just happened to live in the same apartment block. If I hadn’t have met her, then I would of felt truly alone._

_If it weren’t for her, I do believe that I would have fallen into a bitter cycle of meaningless sex with other men (yes this is what I was up to most of the time when I went out) and a void of depression that I couldn’t have gotten myself out of._

_I saw Tasha leave your room, so you don’t have to worry as I know you two are together. She is good for you and can give you the happiness that you deserve. You can move on from the past and look towards a brighter future._

_I’m getting Natalia to bring tony here today and will be asking for a leave of absence from the team until I can get myself sorted, otherwise I will only be a hindrance to the team._

_I will be staying in Natalia’s apartment, and she will be there with me and has promised to not leave me until I am better. This could take a while, but I am determined to get better._

_This is for the best because it hurts too much to be around you and Tasha, seeing you make her as happy as you once made me._

_I’m sorry I didn’t catch you when I had the chance. If I had, none of this would have happened._

_I wish you all the best and all the happiness you deserve_

**_Steve_ **

I didn’t realize how much I was crying until I saw the tears fall on the paper I was holding.

 

I could see it now, when he would come in the room, his eyes shined bright but when I would turn my back there was hurt in his eyes and I caused it.

 

And what does he mean that he was having meaningless sex with strangers, that’s not like him at all.

 

But the worst part, he made no mention of my words when I told him how much I loved him, he didn’t believe my words and didn’t even acknowledge them. I don’t blame him, but he was wrong. I don’t want anyone, I just wanted him. How was I going to fix this when Steve is convinced that I never loved him and thinks I’m with Tasha?

 

I needed to figure something out quickly, I was determined to prove him wrong. But how I was going to do this, I had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for making Bucky cry. It will get better, i promise


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Steve to seek profession help if he is ever going to get better. What will this uncover?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the comments and kudos. these are really helping me to keep on track to uploading chapters.  
> I took a lot of time writing this chapter so i hope you enjoy

Chapter 11 – Steve’s POV

Maybe my letter to Bucky was a bit harsh, I mean I don’t want to hurt him, but he needed to know how I was feeling, right? I was so unsure of myself now. I didn’t acknowledge the part where he said he loved me. It hurt too much to write anything about us. And now I’m hurting even more. I think my letter just blew my last chance of us ever being friends again. God it hurts so much, when will it stop?

So lost in my own thoughts that I did even notice that Natalia was back and Tony was with her, I was crying too much. I only noticed when she came over to the couch and hugged me, whispering that she was here.

It took a few moments but I finally managed to calm down enough to notice Tony. He was clearly shocked to see the state I was in and it looked like he had no idea what to say. 

Natalia moved next to me and motioned for Tony to come over.

“Jeez Steve, I never realised how bad you were. I’m sorry” he said, clearly unable to say anything else

“I know. How are the team?” I asked him

“Worried about you, all of them” he said “Why didn’t you say anything to us?”

I had no answer for him, nothing. I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he offered

“Actually, I want to take some time out from the Avengers. I’m not in a fit state to fight and protect. I need to get a handle of this” I said

“Understandable. How long do you need?”

“I’ve no idea” I answered honestly. “I could take months”

“That’s fine. You take all the time you need. Do you want to come back to the tower?”

“No, I’m going to stay here”

“But…” I cut him off before he could finish

“I know you want to help, I do, but I can’t be there. Not with …” I couldn’t even say Bucky’s name out loud without crying more

“Oh, right. I understand” he said reluctantly.

I was glad he understood. We spent the next hour talking about what was going to happen next

The most important thing was that I needed to get professional help. Sure Natalia and Tony could help, but having a professional to talk to and get the right kind of help would be better.

Natalia said that she knew of the right person to help and left the room to book an appointment. It turns out that she had being seeing a therapist for a year herself and wanted me to meet him. The thought of talking to a complete stranger was a daunting on, but if it’s what I needed to do, I was willing to try anything at this point and if Natalia was willing to trust him enough to get me to see him, then maybe it won’t be so bad.

Natalia was made to promise that she would look after me and to help me as much as she could. Not sure why Tony made her promise that as she’s been doing a bloody good job already.

She was given permission to visit the tower as and when needed to get anything that I might require, like more clothes, but no one could follow her back here. 

It’s going to take a lot of time and patients, but with hard work and good friends, I could move forward.

I had to wait a few day before hearing back from the therapist. In between that time, Natalia suggested writing down everything I was feeling and thinking. In order to get to the bottom of my issues, this would be the things that I would have to discuss. 

“First sessions are usually the hardest” she told me. “It’s harder to open up to a stranger and it will be exhausting for you so make sure you don’t go there on you own. But this guy is really good and has helped me a lot. I believe that he will be the best person for you”

When I asked her how she knew this and knew of a good therapist, she told me that two years ago she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, although she was quick to point out that it had probably been going on for years, but she never got the right help for it. Going through Manic highs and depressing lows required a good therapist she told me.

I considered asking her to come in with me in the session itself as my support, but decided that it would be better to be there on my own. With no one around, I might be able to be more open with this guy. So Natalia agreed to wait outside while I saw him.

Meeting a stranger for the first time was a nerve racking experience. Was he going to see me as Steve or as Captain America?

I sat in the waiting room with Natalia, my knee bouncing from nerves. Natalia didn’t even try to get me to stop, she knew what I was going through and feeling at this point. Even has her own coping mechanism, a Stop Smoking twiddling device that she plays with when she is either nervous or anxious or has too much energy.

A man entered the waiting room and looked at me “Steve Rogers?” he asked and I nodded back

“This way please” he motioned for me to follow.

Natalia gave my hand a squeeze and I followed. We entered a small room, just a couple of chairs and a large window. It was quiet and interment.

“Ok, firstly I will introduce myself. My name is Jack and I am one of the therapists that work here. Anything you say is in the strictest of confidence and nothing you say will be repeated outside of these four walls.”

I nodded my head in understanding, but didn’t say anything yet

“Secondly, yes I know who you are, but as far as I am concerned I am seeing you as Steve Rogers. Captain America needs to say out of this room until we move further. Is that okay?”

“Yes, that’s fine” I responded

“Good, so Steve, tell me why you are here?”

I sat and thought about it for a few minutes before speaking “I’m here because I have depression and was advised to seek help”

“OK, but why are you here? What has brought you to this point where you feel you need my help?”

I took the little notebook out of my pocket and read over what I had written. Suddenly what I had in front of me wasn’t enough. So I took a couple of deep breaths and begin.

“I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of misery. I wake up each morning and fell nothing but a deep void and numbness. I lack energy every day and either spend my time sleeping or sitting in front of the telly but not paying any attention to what is on. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything too long and fell like I’m living each day as a virtual Zombie. I don’t have any appetite and can’t seem to taste anything when I do eat. I feel almost alone, like no one really understands what is going on in my head and am constantly thinking of the world and everything around it in a negative way. The only silver lining in my otherwise pointless existence is my friend Natalia, who recommended you.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this. Why do you think you are feeling this way?” Jack asked

“I don’t really know. An old friend of mine came back into my life recently and he was my best friend, but now it’s like he doesn’t want anything to do with me and it’s hurting”

“That’s one aspect, yes, but would not lead you to feel this way on its own. I would say that was merely the tipping point. My guess is that you have been feeling like this for a very long time, but only recently has it manifested into full depression. Tell me what you were like before your friend came back?”

“Well, I guess it started when I came out of the ice. I felt alone in this world and lost. I missed my friends, my old team and lost everything that had mattered to me. I felt guilt for not being able to save my friend from falling. Then I was put into this new team of people that I didn’t trust and had trouble bonding with due to the current century. We had to team up and fight a big threat only 2 weeks after I woke up and I found I had to work with this team, but it wasn’t like my old team and felt off. But we managed to defeat the enemy and I was asked to join another group but they betrayed me and used my old friend against me. It was harder to fight him than anyone else I have ever faced”

“I’m going to guess that you are talking about James Barnes, the Winter Soldier here?”

“Yes, but I found him and brought him back and now he’s blanking me completely. I’ve had to move out of the place I was living and have now moved in with my friend Natalia”

We sat in silence for a moment while Jack processed what I had said.

“What about your other team, the Avengers? How do you get on with them?”

“I get on with them ok. We work well as a team” I answered

“But do you consider any of them as friends?”

“Yes of course I do”

“I mean a close friend? So far the only person you have named is Natalia . you’ve not mentioned anyone else’s name. Do you not feel as close to them as you once did with James or with Natalia now?” he asked

“I… I guess not. I mean, no one apart from Tony really knows what’s going on as I haven’t been able to tell any of them”

“I see. Do you hear any voices telling you negative things?” he quizzed

“Like?”

“Well, like you’re worthless or not good enough?” he prompted

“I guess I do, but it usually says things like ‘Bucky doesn’t like you. No one really likes you. They only see you as Captain America, You’re all alone’. That kind of thing”

“And is the voice in your head or talking in your ear?” He asked

“More like someone talking in my ear all the time” I said quietly. ’Great now he going to think your insane’

“This question is usually harder to answer honestly, but have you had any thoughts of harming yourself or ending it?”

“No, I dint think I have” I answered honestly. I don’t recall thinking anything like that anyway.

“Thank you. Right Steve, you are defiantly showing signs of depression. Usually I would get you to see the in house doctor to have you put on medication, but I have a feeling that this wouldn’t work for you. So your recovery may be slower than most people, but I can help you”

“So what can I do?” I asked

“First, we need to externalise what you are experiencing. It’s not ‘I’m Steve and depressed’ rather ‘I am Steve and the depression is an external part of you. It’s a chemical imbalance, increased due to your experiences, but is not who you are. So what would you say it feels like?” He stated

“Um… I guess it feels like something is sucking the life right out of me. Like a demon of sorts”

“Good, so you have a soul-sucking demon sitting on your shoulder, trying to control your actions and thoughts. And he is strong from what you have told me, but you need to realize that you are stronger than you think and defeat this demon every day. You just don’t know you are doing it.” He said

I was sceptical. It didn’t feel like I was defeating this thing.

“Let me explain further. This demon is trying to get you to stay in bed all day and ignore the world around you. It says things that make you feel numb and like you are not really living, more existing. But here is how you take small victories over this demon. You came here today. You probably didn’t want to and your demon was telling you all kinds of things to get you to stay at home and not come to get the help you want. But here you are. This is a small victory over your demon. You chose to ignore what it was saying and make the choice to come here. Does that make sense?” 

I nodded slowly, a bit confused by what he was saying though

“Okay let’s try a more simple approach. When you get out bed, what do you think before doing so?”

“Why should I bother getting out of bed? What’s the point?” I answered

“And what makes you get out of bed?” he asked

“It’s because I know I need to, that I can’t stay in bed no matter how much I want to”

“There you go. Despite what your demon was telling you, you still made the effort to get out of bed and face the day. This is a victory for you and you made that decision” he said

“Okay that makes sense” I replied

“That’s the way you can beat this in small steps. You got out of bed, one victory for you. You got dressed, another victory. Eating something, talking to your friend or even just going out for a small walk despite how tired you are. Each little thing you do that is the opposite if what your demon is telling you not to do is one more victory for you and slowly you will find that as each victory is achieved, the less power the demon has over you and the better you will feel.”

“Bit what happens if I listen to the demon?” I asked tentatively

“That doesn’t matter. There will be times when he does win, but it doesn’t make you any less strong. Everyone has days where they cannot do anything and you are no different. But take the good over the bad. It’s not going to be easy and you will have to put in a lot of work. I will not lie to you, it will be hard and you will have to work at it, but eventually you will find that the demon will not have total control of your actions.”

I considered his words carefully. 

“There’s a part of me doesn’t think this was going to work” I said aloud, but then I stopped and thought about that sentence. Jack just gave me a knowing smile.

“That’s the demon talking isn’t it?” I asked him

“Sounds like it and that’s a good start, recognising that” he smiled at me

“Okay, before our time is up, I was wondering how others treat you. Like your friend Natalia. what does she do to help?”

“She listens and offers a sympathetic ear when I need it” I said quickly

“Does she try to push you to do anything or acts like she’s walking on eggshell around you? Does she check up on you constantly?” He asked me

“No, she doesn’t check up on my. In fact she seems to try and keep as much of a normal routine as possible. Going out and leaving me on my own to shop or work. When she gets in, she will ask me how I am, but doesn’t pry into anything. It’s like she’s trying to treat me ae normally as possible, like I didn’t have this”

“That’s good. It would be harder to deal with this if you felt like someone was watching your every move and checking up on you every time they can. When you are going through something like this yes you need that friend there that will help you but also not be on your back constantly. It can make it harder to be honest about it and you may feel that you put on a mask to hide what you are really feeling” he told me

“Could that because she’s been through this herself?” I had to ask

“Most likely. People who experience mental health issues tend to be more aware of others around them and will treat them how they would like to be treated. As a normal person, who, okay yes has an illness, but wants to try and get on with things without being checked on all the time. It can actually make you feel uncomfortable” 

“Oh” I didn’t really have response to that. What he said made complete sense.

“Okay Steve our time is nearly up here. I would like to see you every week for the near future so that we can tackle some of your issues. But until next week, I would like you to keep a mood diary to monitor how you are feeling and I would like you to write down what your demon tells you and what you did in response. Do not worry if you did what your demon said, just write it down? There is no judgement here so it doesn’t matter what you decided to do” He explained “Remember, small steps and little victories are all I am asking for”

“Okay, I can do that” I said as I got up to shake his hand “Thank you”

“Not a problem. If you have any worries or problems you can always call in between sessions. I am more than happy to discuss things over the phone with you”

We walked down to the waiting room and I saw that Natalia was still sitting there waiting for me. I had half expected her to of gotten bored and leave. Wait, was that me or the demon talking? God my head hurt already

“All done?” she asked me

“Yeah, for now”

“Hi Jack, how are you?” she addressed him

“I’m good thank you. Am I meant to be seeing you today?” he asked, slightly confused as to why she was here

“No that’s next week. I’m here for moral support” she leaned her head to indicate it was me she was talking to

“That’s good. So looks like I will be seeing both of you next week. Until then Steve, take care” he said as we left the building

I felt very tired after that session, but also hopeful. With these new tools maybe, just maybe I can get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of this is based off my own recent experiences with seeing a therapist. A lot of what went into this chapter and some more in later chapters is what i have had to go through to get to the place i am now.  
> All therapy session are different for each individual, this is just has works best for me


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's back from visiting Steve. How are Bucky and co holding up with the revelation of how bad Steve is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for comments and Kudos x You guys are amazing

Chapter 12 – Bucky’s POV

Tony’s been gone for a while. I wonder how he’s getting on and how Steve is.

Despite all that went on, Tasha is still ranting about Natalia's attitude and how she refused to let any of us know where Steve was. We all want to see Steve and to help him, but maybe it was for the best to let him have his space. If therapy has taught me anything it’s that you have to do things on your own and make your own decisions. 

“We knew Steve before she did. How dare she dictate to us who should and shouldn’t see Steve and how this is going to go down?” Tasha was almost shouting by this point, but that might be because everyone had stopped listening a while ago. We get it, Tasha’s not happy and angry, but there is nothing we can do at this point.

I was too lost in my own head, going over bits of Steve’s letter, piece by piece trying to read between the lines as if it might tell me how to fix things. 

We were all wrapped up in our own thoughts that we didn’t notice that Tony had returned until Wanda spoke up

“How is he doing?” she asked gently

Tony just stood there for a moment. You clearly see that he had been crying as his eyes were bloodshot and a red knows. His posture was one of a tired man who really needed to sit down and breathe.

Slowly he spoke to us, thinking hard about what he was going to say “He… he could be better”

“That doesn’t really answer Wanda’s question.” Trust Tasha to point out the obvious

“I can only tell you what Steve has asked me to” Tony responded

“Tony, we are his friends and team mates. We deserve to know the truth” Tasha tone getting a little more harsh, like she was getting annoyed with Tony now.

“And how many of you noticed anything was wrong” Tony bit back “None of you. He only told me some of it and even I didn’t know how bad he really was. We are all guilt of missing the signs so I think Steve has every right to decide how much we should know”

No one spoke for a moment. He was right. It’s up to Steve.

“So when is he coming back?” Sam finally piped up

“When he’s better. He’s taking a leave of absence from the Avengers. It could be months”

“So does that mean he’s staying with her?” Tasha asked

“Would you rather he was living on his own?” Tony countered

“I’d rather have him living here, where we can keep an eye on him. I don’t like or trust here” Tasha responded

“Tasha, I’ve been in her head. All she has ever done for Steve is help him and use her magic to provide a calming environment for him” Wanda said sternly, defending Natalia’s actions

“Wither you agree or not, this is Steve’s decision and I don’t want any of you hassling Natalia when she gets here to pick some of Steve’s stuff. She has full access to come and go when Steve needs thing” Tony commanded

We all nodded in silent agreement. We have to do what is best for Steve. His well-being is more important and if staying with Natalia helps, then that’s good enough for me and some of the rest of the team, judging by the looks on everyone else’s faces. Well except for Tasha.

I made my way back to Steve’s room where I spend most of my free time now a days. It calms me down when I’m starting to have any anxiety attack or just to feel close to him. I picked up his letter again and read through it one more time, just in case I missed anything. I think I’m getting a little obsessed over this letter now.

While reading it, Natalia walked in. “Hey Bucky” she addressed me quietly.

“Hey” I responded

“How are you holding up?” she asked me

“About as well as you can be, given the circumstances” I replied sadly

She moved across the room towards the bed I was sitting on and put her hand on my shoulder, giving me a light squeeze.

“He is going to get better” she told me, but I couldn’t say anything back, just continued to look at the letter in my lap

When she didn’t get a response, she moved over to the dresser and pulled open one of the draws, taking out some of his cloths and out them into a bag I didn’t even realise she was holding.

I just sat and watched her do this then a thought came to mind “Why don’t you take his sketch book with you. Maybe he could use it when he starts feeling better” I said as I got up to get his book from his bedside table and handed it to her

“That’s a good idea. Distraction is a great tool” she smiled

“I have to ask how you know so much about this” I asked

“Bipolar” was all she mentioned. I guess she doesn’t want to go into it and I didn’t want to pry but at least Steve is with someone who has some idea as to what he’s going through.

I had written another letter to Steve and wasn’t going to give it to her, thinking that it might be too much, but maybe Natalia can keep hold of it for me and give it to him when she feels it’s the right time.

“Would you mind?” I had to check she was okay with this

“I’ll pass it to him in a couple of weeks, one he starts making improvements. Can’t push it too quick” she told me and she put the letter in her pocket. “If it helps in any way, I’ve got him an appointment with a really good therapist so it’s a good start”

“That’s great news” I smiled for the first time 

I walked with her as she left his room and moved to leave the tower. We had to walk through the Rec room and I could see Tasha glaring daggers at Natalia, but I moved myself to stand by her side to block Tasha’s view. She stopped to say something to tony and I hung back as I didn’t want to overhear her. But once she had finished, she turned to look at me and smiled before nodding her head to the rest of the team and left with a bag of Steve’s clothes in her left hand and his sketch book in her right.

This is going to be a long recovery for him, but I do know how strong he is inside and will be able to beat this. And I'll be there when he needs me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things are looking up for our beloved Guys but there a few bumps in the road until all is well


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How has Steve's first week gone after his therapy session? what has been going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we are going to go through Steve's first week and is again is based on my own experiences

Chapter 13 – Steve’s POV

I never knew how bad I really was until I saw Jack. I knew I had a problem, but it was only in the back of my mind. Now that it has been brought to the forefront of my mind and I’m giving it the attention it’ wanted, it suddenly seems so much harder to deal with.

The first day after my appointment, I found it so hard to get out of bed. Lying there listening to the demon try and talk me into staying in bed, trying to convince me that I was far too tired to get out of bed. But I knew what I needed to do, I had to get out of bed. Even if it’s only moving from my bed to the couch, at least I wasn’t letting the demon win this round.

I quite like that idea, that each decision I make that is against my demon its one round to me. Makes it a little easier to fight.

I got myself out of bed and went into the front room. Natalia was in the kitchen, cooking lunch for me, or as she calls it ‘breakfast’ due to how long I stayed in bed.

“Morning Steve” she called out 

“Morning” I called back

I sat on the couch, my sketch book sitting on the table in front of me. I was happy to see that she brought this back for me, but at the same time I have no interest in drawing or doing anything for that matter.

I picked up my phone and went to my Mood diary app. Natalia downloaded it for me after showing me the one she uses and suggested it’s easier to keep track of my mood, instead of using the paper versions that I had been given. I entered today’s mood. 2 – Slow thinking, no appetite, sleeping excessively, everything a struggle.

“So you got up today” she pointed out to me

“Yeah, one to me” I replied and entered that into the journal Natalia brought me. 

“Good. Right, I’ve got to go out and walk this little madam.” She said pointing to Jessie “Do you want anything?”

“Um… no I’m good thanks” I responded

She got Jessie ready for her walk, came and have me a hug, Jess jumping up to try to kiss my face and left the apartment.

Left alone, I wondered what I should be doing, or if I should be doing anything. Deciding that I’d rather not move from the couch, I turned on the TV and channel hopped until I came across some documentary. Not really paying any attention, I picked up my sketch book and flicked through the pages. Most of them were standard landscapes but occasionally coming across a picture that I drew of one of the Avengers, even one of Bucky. I left it on the page with Bucky on it and put it back on the table. Just leaving it there as a reminder that actually, none of this really was his fault. If what Jack says is true, he was only the one who tipped me over, but not the main culprit.

It made me feel a little bad about how I addressed him in my letter and I wished I could rewrite it. But he has it now. Maybe when I feeling up to it, I’ll write him another one and explain some of the things I have since learned.

When Natalia got back from her walk with Jess, she sat down next to me after making us both a coffee, Jess jumped up and sat on my lap, letting me stroke her and we did nothing for the rest of the day but watch telly, Natalia getting up occasionally to make us both a drink and something to eat, before we decided to turn in for the night. Somehow I had gotten through the day with only the odd spoken word from the Demon.

Days 2 and 3 were the same, get out of bed, spend the day on the couch, go to bed. How this could take so much energy, I couldn’t figure out at all. I was still sleeping a lot and found myself falling asleep during the day, unable to stay awake. Natalia would come and go, make me drinks, something to eat and genially to try not to treat me any different. 

She didn’t try to make me do anything that I didn’t feel up to. Would ask me if I wanted anything, but my brain wouldn’t come up with a decision. I felt like I was sinking, surrounded by the words of my Demon and I found I would cry just thinks about all the things I couldn’t bring myself to do. Natalia never judged me, or tried to tell me that I was fine. She would just hold me and let me cry, just stroking her hand through my hair or my back. She never told me to man up (something I know the team would do) and didn’t see me as weak even if I did myself.

Day 4 was different. Instead of getting up and sitting on the couch, I made my way to the kitchen and asked Natalia if I could make her a coffee instead. She looked a little shocked but smiled and allowed me to do that. One more round to me. Although I was still feeling down, I didn’t spend the day crying. I felt a little better by the end of the day. I may not have been able to do much but make a drink, but it was one more thing that I managed to do.

When I woke up on day 5, I felt a little better, feeling that each day I got up and did something, I was able to get one up on the demon.

Then I caught the news. I sat there and had to watch as my team mates were protecting the City without me. The demon starting screaming at me about how useless I was, that I wasn’t good enough to even help my team and they were an danger and here I was sitting at home, doing nothing. Natalia was next to me and must have known what was happening. She put her arms round my shoulders and said into my ear about how the team are doing fine and they weren’t in any danger. She even got me to look at the screen to prove that they were ok. There they were, the bad guys all caught and they were strolling to the Jet. No one showed any sign of injury. With her talking in one ear and the demon talking in the other, it was hard to here one over the other, but Natalia managed to break through and all I heard was her, the demon sulking on my shoulder but not able to say anything.

When the crew spoke and revealed that the team were done, that they were all safe, I calmed down enough even if Natalia had told me the same, but hearing someone else confirm it helped to shut out the demon that little bit more. I had to lean my head on Natalia’s shoulder, the weight of the event hanging heavy on my head and body. Natalia just stayed where she was until I felt lighter.

Going to bed that night, I had nightmares of the team being injured and it was all my fault. I woke in a cold sweat twice, screaming Bucky’s name. The first time, Natalia heard me and came to my room to make sure I was ok and stayed until I told her to leave, that I was okay, even if I didn’t think I was. I could see the look she was giving me. She didn’t believe me, but left as I had asked her too. 

The second time it happened, she came running in and asked me to describe what I had seen in my dreams. I told her that I kept seeing the team getting injured even though I was there and couldn’t help there. I felt helpless because I wasn’t strong enough and dreamt that Bucky was standing in front of me, a demon standing ono top him, squashing him. I lay there watching as this demon crushed him dead. The demon I saw was the demon I felt I had on my shoulder. 

Natalia explained that the dream represented how I was feeling after I saw the news. The demon using my fear of things happening to the team and how it makes me feel useless, but if I keep feeding it, it will get bigger and cause more damage in my dreams. It is possible to make it smaller if I keep working at it. But I still couldn’t sleep.

Natalia left my room but came back quickly with her phone. She called a number, put it on speaker and together we heard a sleepy voice answered.

“Yeah?” it said

“Hey Tony, sorry for calling late, but I just wanted to check that you were okay?” 

“Yeah, I think so, why?” Tony responded

“Well, I caught the news and needed to make sure” she told him

“Oh right, yeah we are all ok, no injuries today and everyone is asleep. I think. Oh expect Bucky who feels it’s a great idea to sit in the dark watching something on his iPad” he told us “What the hell dude?” he asked Bucky

“Can’t sleep” came his reply

“Can’t you be in your room?” He asked

“No” Bucky responded but said no more

“Okay, fair enough. You okay Natalia?” 

Yeah I’m fine. Glad to hear you are all alright” she said

“How’s Steve?” he asked

Natalia looked at me before answering “He’s not had a good day to be honest, but hoping hearing that you are all ok will help him out with that”

“Oh that’s not good. Well do let him know we are all fine” He said sincerely

“Will do, thanks Tony” She said to him and hung up the phone

“Thank you” I said to her and lay down. Natalia didn’t leave me though and chose to stay with me for the night in case I had any more bad dreams. I didn’t that night. I think knowing that she was there helped and it reminded me of the times Bucky would hold me when I was either ill or had a bad dream. Going to sleep, being reminded of Bucky seemed to sooth me enough to have a better couple of hours sleep.

As promised, I went and saw Jack again after my first week. Natalia had her appointment before me so we went together and I waited for her to finish before it was my turn.

“So Steve, how have you found your first week using the tools I gave you?” he asked me

“Difficult” I responded

“How so?”

“Well, it’s almost like I can hear the demon more now than I did before and it feels like he’s controlling my actions more”

“Yes that will happen. What you are doing is paying attention to it and it will make it harder, but it can also make it easier to know what is you and what is the demon”

“I can sort of see that” I answered

“Good, that’s a good start, but its small steps, remember that. You will find days where you will slip, or go backwards so don’t be hard on yourself” he told me “Another thing that will help is trying to get at least 30 minutes of sunshine a day and do some light exercise, such as walking a dog. The exercise will release serotonin in your brain and will help you feel a little bit better”

We continue to talk about how my week has been and the ups and downs, the attached on the city and how it made me feel and what I can do if that happens again.

“Is there anything else you would like to discuss while we are here?” Jack asked me

“Um... well there is one thing but I think I might be jumping ahead a bit” I said timidly

“And what is that?”

“Well, Bucky wrote me a letter a while ago and part of me believed it but part of me didn’t, so when I wrote back to him, which I’m not convinced was a good idea, it was a little harsher than I wanted it to be. So my question is, is it too early to write to him again and explain things a bit more?”

“That is up to you. On the one hand, yes it might help alleviate some of what you are feeling, but also could make things worse for you. I mean you have just acknowledged fully that you have a mental health condition so trying to share that with someone else might not be as productive as you are hoping it would be”

“So the answer is no” I replied

“Not necessarily, you could write you him, explain that you are sorting things out and hope to be able to explain to him later down the line, but just wanted to apologise for the tone of your letter and maybe explain a little bit about why you did. Does that sound like a good idea?”

“Yeah, that sounds better. And a bit easier to accomplish this early on” I agreed.

Leaving the session, I began to see the light behind the trees, it wasn’t very bright, but there was a light.

By the time Natalia and I got home, I knew what I wanted to write to Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the Kudos and comments.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being hostile to Natalia again during her visit, Tasha gets told a few home truths and Bucky get a surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I'm going to delve further into Natalia's Mental Health so she can try to get through to the team how Steve is  
> I do like Natasha but she seems like the one who would argue with someone who is just trying to help  
> Thank you again for the support

Chapter 14 – Bucky’s POV

It’s been a rough week for the Avenger’s, an attack on the city almost every twos days or so. And these aren’t little battles either, these were calculated attacks that were done to try and stress, tire or injure us, to make us weaker. But we do not give up so easily and we managed to defend the city each and every time.

That doesn’t mean that we aren’t bone tired though. The attacks happening at all hours of the day and night and after this last attack at 3 in the morning, we are all about ready to drop.

There have been a couple of injuries. Sam crashed down pretty hard and almost knocked himself out. Clint was shot in the shoulder, Tony had bruises on his face from his face mask getting hit over and over again and I was hit quite hard in the back. Tasha and Wanda seemed to be the only ones who wasn’t nursing wounds tonight. If they were, they weren’t letting on.

We were all trying to unwind when we heard the ping of the elevator. Not expecting anyone we were a little on edge, until Natalia walked in looking at us concerned.

“Whoa, you guys look like shit” she said

“Yeah, you try to defend this city” Tony piped up “What are you doing here this late anyway?”

“Well, I came to see how you all were.”

“Why?” Tasha sneered

“Well, because Steve asked me too. You do know he watches the news right?” she replied

“He could always just call” Tasha pointed out

Natalia only gave her a look as if to say ‘Really?’ but didn’t say anymore.

“How is he doing?” Wanda asked

“Slightly better. Trying to get him to join me on walks with my dog, there only short but at least he’s getting some fresh air” she smiled “but obviously goes down when he sees you guys on telly”

“Does it affect him that much?” I asked

“Mostly when he see you all getting hurt. He kind of feels bad that he can’t help. But I am managing to pull him out of it quicker” 

“If he was here, he wouldn’t have to worry about us” Tasha commented.

Looking at Natalia's face, you could see that she had had enough of Tasha’s attitude, takes a deep breath and then spoke with a slightly harsher tone than any of us had heard before

“Okay, let’s just get this all out, shall we? If Steve was here, right now with you, what would or could you do to help him?” she asked directly to Tasha

“Well… I would remind him of all of the good things he had. With that he’s dark mood would lift and we could keep an eye on him and keep him from falling apart further. It wouldn’t be that hard” She said defiantly

“Right and if he was having a bad day, what you do or say?” Natalia responded

“Well, we would have to be careful what we would say but keep a close eye on him throughout the whole day”

“Fine. Now let me tell you why none of that would work or help Steve in any way” Natalia spoke carefully 

“1. It doesn’t matter how good you try to make everything Steve does have, it will not help. What it will do is make Steve think that everything he is currently feeling, you think is stupid and he in turn will feel stupid for even mentioning it to you. 

2\. When you’re depressed you don’t want or need someone constantly checking up on you. He is already giving the demon enough attention by acknowledging it, but having those around you also checking to see if he is okay, it will only cause him to think about it more, feeding the demon further. There are days when you really do need to be alone to work through how you are feeling without someone in your ear all the time.”

“But…” Tasha went to interrupt. Natalia just raised her hand and continued

“3. Steve needs life to be all about routine. He needs to be able to do things on auto pilot so he doesn’t have to use energy trying to think about what he needs to do every day. If your attitude changes around him all the time, he will use up energy trying to figure out how to talk or approach you. If you are walking on egg shells around him, he will feel like he can’t talk to you and will bottle it up until he breaks, again”

“and you know all this how?” Tasha spoke, trying to rile Natalia up

“Because I was diagnosed as having depression when I was a 15 year old girl. When I was 24, I had a major breakdown because my own parents didn’t know how to help and would walk on egg shells. I bottled it up so much, I broke and spent 2 years putting myself back together. I didn’t have what Steve has right now, I only had myself and my therapist because my parents couldn’t cope. When I was 29, I was finally diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. I’m 31 now. So I would say having a mental health illness for 15 years kind of gives me some idea on what Steve is feeling.”

“So what, it’s different for both of you. We can help motivate him to get better” Tasha sneered

“It’s not about motivation, Steve has that. It’s energy that he lacks. When you are constantly fighting your own mind you are drained of energy. Getting out of bed right now for Steve takes about as much force as he can throw his shield. He has this shitty little demon sitting on his shoulder sapping out any energy he might have. I know you all have your issues and have found ways to cope with them, but Steve can no longer cope with how he is feeling and it has broken him”

“Oh my god, we had no idea” Wanda spoke up

“Yeah, no one really understands what causes it. It could be a series of emotional events or, like me, not have the wires in your brain working correctly. One thing the experts can agree on it is the chemicals in your brain work differently for everyone”

“Oh Bullshit, you think you know better, but we can help him” Tasha shouted at her

“And that is why I have spent the last 7 years living on my own and working with animals instead of being around other people. Because it’s not a physical illness it’s harder for people to notice it or help in the correct way. I’ve had plenty of people sneer at me at places of work when I’ve had to take time off, been call lazy because I had an appointment and mentally couldn’t cope going into work and ended up leaving my last job because it caused me too much stress and nearly caused me to have another mental breakdown, which is when I got the bipolar diagnosis. Instead I have me and my dog who is always there for me and knows when I’m in a depressed state which can last 6 to 12 months at a time so she snuggles up to make me feel better or manic for up to 6 months where I have too much energy, do things at a 100 miles per hour, don’t sleep because I don’t feel like I need it and make and do stupid things because my conscious has gone on holiday, so she makes me play and walk her to burn the energy and sit on my to ground me back in to reality. Trust me, Mental Health is nothing to sneer at or think you know what is best just because you have never experienced it.” 

When Natalia finished, she sank down on to the couch w=she was standing in front of, head in her hands and breathing deeply. Wanda moved over to her and put her hand on Natalia ’s shoulder.

“Are you ok?” she asked quietly

“I will be. Bad memories get brought up when I talk about my experiences. Just give me a minute” she replied. She took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself down before she lifts her head and looks at Tasha, who has gone very quiet all of a sudden

“Mind if I grab him a couple of things before I go?” Natalia asked Tony

“You don’t have to ask you know” Tony said

“Well, it’s the polite thing to do” she said as she got up and moved towards Steve’s room

We all sat there in stunned silence, trying to process what Natalia had told us. None of us truly realised what Steve had gone through or what had been going on through his mind. And I didn’t help at all. Natalia mentioned about emotional events and I knew that it was me. I pushed him further away and I caused this.

I felt the tears start to well up and not wanting to cry in front of the team, I moved towards Steve’s room as a habit, forgetting that Natalia was in there and dropped onto Steve’s bed, the tears beginning to fall.

I didn’t hear Natalia come over to the bed, just felt her had on the back of my shoulder, causing me to jump slightly, but instead of acknowledging her, I buried my head further into Steve’s pillow. Unable to stop the thoughts gone through my head. If only I had treated him differently, talked to him, done anything other than what I did, Steve wouldn’t be where he is now.

Natalia just stroked my back while I cried, trying to calm myself down. 

“I would say that it’s going to be ok, but I would be lying. But it will get better with time” Natalia said to me “And remember I said Emotional Events, it would have taken more than one thing that would have gotten Steve to where he is now”

I had stopped crying and looked at her, trying to process what she had said

“Look, if you want anyone to talk to anyone other than the team, you can give me a call okay?” she said writing her number down on a bit of paper and leaving it on the bedside table. I just nodded, not sure if I was going to take her up on her offer, but it was kind of her to offer.

We stayed there until I felt I was able to face the team and we walked back to them. They were all still quiet and Tasha looked at Natalia, clearly showing that she had been crying. Tasha never shows emotion, but I think Natalia had finally gotten through to her.

“Can I offer you some advice? If you guys want to know about Steve’s condition, check up the Website ‘Mind’. It’s a great website for friends and family to learn how they can help” She told us and then took her leave.

As much as everyone would have liked to look it up now, we were all too wiped out to do much more than sit and think, lost in our own thought. Sam eventually out the telly on and we watched whatever crap was on. It wasn’t long before the team started to head to bed. One by one they left until I was alone in the room. I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer so I headed off to Steve’s room to get some sleep. 

Turning on the light, I took a look round his room to see if I could spot anything that Natalia would have taken, but I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. That was until I got to his bed. There was an envelope on it addressed to me, in Steve’s handwriting. I don’t recall her putting it there, but then again, I didn’t really look around when I got in there. I didn’t know if this was a response to my letter or something else and the butterfly feeling at the pit of my stomach stopped me from opening it right away. 

I put the letter on the bedside table, put the light off and lay down, trying desperately to get some sleep, but I couldn’t. The urge to read Steve’s letter was too strong, but also the fear of what it might say.

After tossing and turning for nearly an hour, I finally caved in, put the light on and opened the envelope, pulling his letter out carefully, and began to read.

Bucky,

Firstly how are you getting on? Everyone treating you ok?

I needed to write this letter to explain a couple of things. I won’t go into too much detail, but I needed to get a couple of things off my chest.

I’m sorry about my last letter. I needed to express how I was feeling at the time, but after I gave it to Natalia and she left to get Tony and some of my stuff, I immediately regretted some of the contents. 

I didn’t mean for it to be as harsh as it was, but I was hurting so bad, I guess I wanted to hurt you, if only a little. I now realise that it hurt you far more than I was expecting.

I’ve had two therapy sessions now and I can see why you were seeing one. They help to make you see what you couldn’t before and I’ve had some revelations about all of this.

While I had originally blamed all my issues on you, I can now see that you were just a tipping point and not the cause. I had been feeling low for a while but refused to acknowledge how I was feeling, throwing myself into the Avengers.

I guess what I am trying to say is that none of this is your fault. I had seen the signs but ignored the feelings growing inside of me.

Natalia tells me that you and Tasha are not dating. If it’s true, it would be a shock considering how close you two are and to be honest I am genially shock by this. I don’t know if I am happy or sad to find this out though.

I am trying to believe you when you said you loved me but it’s hard at the moment, but if you will give me time might be able to convince myself that it’s true.

Please do me one favour and take care out in the field. I hate to see you get hurt when I watch the news. That goes for the rest of the team as well. Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.

I hope to hear from you soon, if you want to that is

Steve

I let out a breath that I didn’t realise that I was holding in. He didn’t blame me? And he wants to hear back from me? These two statements went round in my head and I could feel myself smile at these thoughts. 

I needed to get in touch with Natalia and ask her to get rid of my earlier letter. I had a new one to write.

After writing my letter back to Steve, I turned the light of, lay down on his bed and went to sleep with a smile on my face for the first time in a long time.

Waking up the next morning, I felt much more refreshed and happier. I had to re-read Steve’s letter in case I misinterpreted it, but no, the words I read last night were still there.

For the first time since coming back, I wanted to get out of bed. I made my way to the breakfast room and saw the whole team was up and to say they looked shocked to see me this early was an understatement.

“What is the city under attack again” Sam joked

“Not that I know off.” I smiled

“What’s made you so happy?” Tasha queried

“Had a good night’s sleep” I told her and sat down to eat. 

We chatted about the recent attacks to try and figure out who was behind them, but we couldn’t come to a conclusion. We had to work fast to find out who was doing this before anyone got hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit harder to write then others but the second of my favorite chapters overall  
> (sorry of you think i am putting my oc into this too much but i needed to try to explain why She is able to help Steve more. The next few chapters will focus on Bucky and Steve again, promise)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's Steve been getting on over the last couple of months? how is he improving and how is his friendship with Bucky going?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is spread over a couple of months to speed things a long a little bit so i hope it's ok

Chapter 15 – Steve’s POV

 

I felt better about my letter this time, hoping it had at least made Bucky stop blaming himself. He didn’t deserve it really. Ok yes, he ignored me but I didn’t help make anything better. Between us, we are just a pair of idiots who can’t seem to talk to each other. I’m starting to see that now.

But I didn’t have a chance to think on it further. Today, Natalia was talking me with her when she walked Jessie ‘Just to the park and back’ she told me.

I hadn’t been outside for a while and was scared people may recognise me and say something about me not working with the Avenger, but I needed to do this. So here I was, actually putting on a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt.

I got my trainers out from under the bed. These haven’t seen the light of day for a while and put them one, doing up the laces carefully.

When I made my way out of the bedroom and to the front door, Natalia had Jessie ready and she was jumping up at the door trying to hurry us both. Natalia handed me a pair of sunglasses seeing as I haven’t step a foot out of the front door, except for my sessions so my eyes might be a little sensitive to the light and together we headed out of the door, down the stairs and out into the streets.

Natalia was right, the sun was very bright to me. But everything looked beautiful, like I was looking at the world in a new light. I couldn’t stop myself from looking up to the sky and actually feel the heat of the sun.

“Come on you, Jess gets impatient if I don’t move quickly enough” Natalia said and when I looked down at Jess, I could see what she meant. Jessie was starting to pull on the lead.

“Lead the way” I told her

We took a stroll along the street. I had my head down to begin with as I didn’t want anyone to recognise me, but everyone seemed to be in a hurry of their own. Natalia led me to the park where she could let Jessie off her lead and run around.

As soon as Jessie was let of the lead, she started to walk ahead of us, going along the path and stopping every now and then to sniff something. When we walked past her, Natalia would turn her head to call Jess and she would come running towards us and go ahead again. Natalia kept a relatively slow pace so I could enjoy the walk.

It was lovely. The smell of the grass and the rustling of the leaves on the tree where wonderful to experience and I realised how much I missed these quieter moments in life, not having a care in the world and just enjoying the world around me.

It wasn’t a long walk, only about 20 minutes in the park. Watching Jessie run around and play with other dogs. Natalia would just laugh as she had a mad 5 minutes, just running around, rolling around in the mud, just having a great time. Natalia and I walked together but no words were exchanged. She just let me enjoy the walk.

By the time we got back to the apartment, I felt exhausted but good.

“Well, that was a great start” Natalia told me as I sat on the couch and she and Jessie went to get a drink

“How do you feel after that?” she asked as she handed me a coffee

“Tired, but good” I admitted taking a sip

“Yeah, that will happen, but the more you do it, the better each time will feel” she told me and plonked herself down on the couch next to me.

“Thank you” I said

“What for?” she asked, confused

“For everything. For being here and helping me through this” I replied as I leaned my head on her shoulders, closing my eyes for a moment

“Well what else was I going to do, huh?”

I didn’t respond, too tired and comfortable, I just left my head where it was as she turned on the telly.

 

I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I awoke, Jessie way laying on my stomach and Natalia was not next to me, but in the kitchen on the phone as I could hear her talking to someone, probably Tony. The news was on, but there was nothing about any battles taking place, which was good. It meant the team where safe at home.

When Natalia finished her call, she came back in the front room with some food. I heard my stomach rumble and it made Jessie growl a little causing me to giggle a little.

“Come on Jess, foods in the kitchen” she pointed and Jess jumped off me and went to her food bowl, meaning that I could now sit up. Natalia put the plate down which had pizza on it

“How long was I asleep?” I asked as I took a slice

“About 2 hours” she replied, taking her own slice

We sat in comfortable silence, eating and watching TV. When we had finished, Natalia got up and moved over to her DVD collection.

“So what do you want to watch?” she called over her shoulder

“Nothing you have” I called back

“Why not?” she jokingly sounded hurt

“Because most of your movies are terrifying” and they really were. Her collection consisted of mostly horror movies and I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to watching them

“Fine you chicken, I’ll put on a nicer movie. Star Wars ok for you or is that too scary?” she asked me

“That’s better” and she came back over to put it on.

I’ve seen this movie a few times now and know what happened, but Natalia said one of the best things I can watch is something I have already seen and don’t really need to concentrate on. It makes it easier to watch things when I know if I go off into my head I still know what’s going on.

 

We kept up this routine for a week. Walking Jessie, me napping, eating and then watching films. I got quite comfortable in this. I knew what I needed to do each day and even through it felt like my demon was shouting in my ear each time I got ready to go out, I managed to ignore it.

When I saw Jack, I told him about the walks and the routine that Natalia has gotten us into.

“She seems to be helping you at lot through this” he pointed out

“I don’t know where I would be without her” I told him and it was true. Without Natalia's help, I dread to think where I would be.

“How did you feel after you wrote your letter to Bucky?” he asked me

“Better. I didn’t regret anything I wrote to him”

“Good. You are doing very well in a short time”

"I still have my bad days and going out for walks does tire me out quite quickly, but if I know I have to do something, I’m determined to do it” I said

"Routine is your friend at the moment. Once you are used to it, you can do it automatically and it won’t take so much out of you” he explained

“That’s good to hear” I smiled

“I’m proud of you Steve. Considering that it’s only been a few weeks since I first saw you, I can already start to see an improvement. It’s not a huge change, just a little one and in time, you will see and feel it too”

“I think I can already feel it” I told him and shock his hand as I left.

I came here on my own today, Natalia said something about popping out for something and would meet me back at the apartment so I took a slow walk back. The tower was on my right as I walked back and I found myself stop just before it, wondering if I should take another way home just in case anyone saw me, but decided it would be too much hassle and I knew my way home from here so I just kept walking. I was tempted to call in, but I still wasn’t quite ready to face the team yet. Maybe in time. So I continued to walk home.

When I got back, Natalia wasn’t home and neither was Jessie. I guess she took her out on her own today considering I had my appointment so I made myself a drink and sat on the couch. A white envelope was on the table with my name on it in Bucky’s handwriting. He responded to me. A swell of happiness went through me, before the voice of my demon started up. _‘You know he could be writing to tell you to piss off. You hurt him with your last letter and he’s probably writing to tell you that he really is dating Tasha so don’t get your hopes up. This looks like a dear john letter’._ On and on it went. I could feel my breath getting caught in my throat and the tears came flooding. It was right. I was stupid to think otherwise. Too caught up in my own thoughts, I didn’t hear Natalia come in, only felt Jessie jump up on the couch and lick my face, pulling me from my thoughts.

 

“I didn’t think you would be back before I got here” Natalia said sadly when she spotted the letter in my hand, giving me a hug

“I’m okay” I lied

“Bullshit Steve” was all she said, getting up to get me a tissue.

“Sorry, I …” I tried to say something but nothing would come out

“It’s okay Steve, it was my fault” she told me and sat down “do you want to read this another time?” she asked

“No, I need to know what it says” I told her, breathed out and in a couple of times and then opened the envelope to read what Bucky had responded with.

 

**_Steve_ ** _,_

_It was good to hear from you again. I was worried that I wouldn’t._

_We are ok here, tired and a little wounded but you would know that from the news. We are not sure who’s doing it, but are working to find out who it is and stop them._

_I get why you wrote what you did the first time. If the situation was reversed, I probably done the same. So although it did hurt to read your words, I understand. I meant it last time, but just was to reiterate to you that I am truly sorry for what I have done. I didn’t think I was hurting you but I was and I was selfish for thinking I was doing the right thing._

_I’m pleased to hear that you have started to see a therapist. One of the better things I’ve done recently. And yes they do help a lot. It’s why I wrote you the letter in the first place as mine told me it would help. I guess in a way it has done, but it’s taken a couple if tries to get it right, don’t you think._

_I’ve had the chance to speak to Natalia the last couple of times she came here to get your stuff and I can see why you’re there with her. She’s really nice and sympathetic, although I don’t think Tasha is too keen on her though. Wanda on the other hand, well it feels like she has met a kindred spirit and she always tries to get Natalia to stay for longer, but Natalia always tells her that she has to get back to you. Maybe when you are feeling better, these two could get to know each other a little better? What do you think? I think they’ll get along like a house on fire!_

_You need to take as long as you can to get better, the team understand. I understand. And we know it will take time, don’t rush anything. If you do, you might relapse and get worse (I’ve been doing a little research into depression so I can understand you better). So please take care of yourself._

_If these letters help, I’ll be happy to keep writing them, but if they don’t, please let me know._

_Anyway, I stop before I blabber on anymore. I hope you feel some sense of peace from this._

**_Bucky_ **

 

Well it wasn’t what I was expecting or what my demon was telling me. It was better than I thought it would be.

“Well, it had to be a good letter” she started, making me look up from the paper in confusion “you’re smiling” she pointed to my face

She was right, I was. I felt happy for once and it was all because of Bucky’s letter.

“If this is going to be a long term thing, you might want to find yourself a different post man, or maybe try emailing” Natalia giggled

“Can’t I pay you to do it?” I joked back making her glare at me

“You can’t pay me no, but I’ll drop one more off for you each, then you’re using email” she told me smiling

I didn’t have a reply, just continued to smile.

 

Things progressed steadily. I continued to see my therapist every week and slowly I could see the improvements he and Natalia have spoken about. I had more energy and drive to do things. I’ve started to draw again and even cut my beard off, giving myself the fresh faced look I always like.

I’m eating more as I now have an appetite and have started to gain weight. Even Tony can see the difference when he comes to visit.

It’s been hard as I would still have bad days and feel like I was going backwards anytime I saw the team getting hurt or started to think that I was useless and my demon would start to yell in my ear, however, thanks to Jack I have learned that if I want to ignore him, distraction is a good technic. So drawing has become my friend. Any time the demon would start up, I would take my sketch book and go sit by the window to draw. It didn’t have to be anything interesting, but it made me think about what I was doing, shutting the demon out.

There are days where the demon does win. I couldn’t do anything by lie on the couch and either staring blankly at the ceiling, listening to what the demon was saying or I would be crying.

Each time that happens, Natalia would be there. Not saying anything just rubbing my arm, just letting me know that she was there.

The highlight of my weeks have been receiving letters from Bucky. I would send him a letter one week and get a response the next. They started off slow. I would let Bucky know what I had been up to and how the therapy was going. He in return would keep me updated on the Avenger’s and how he was getting on.

For the first couple of letters I wouldn’t tell him about my bad days, trying to focus only on the good, but eventually learned that if I did tell him, his letters back would be supportive and helpful.

After a while we started to discuss the past. Each trying to outdo one another on what stupid things we could remember about the other, trying to embarrass us.

It was Bucky that first asked what I could remember of our first time together. Did I remember how wonderful it felt and how it was the best day of his life then. It conjured up memories of how sweet he was.

Our first night was amazing and they only got better from there. When he would suck me off and bring me to my climax with only his mouth on my dick and his fingers in my arse. He could hit all the right buttons without even trying and I in return would always reciprocate.

Our letters got a bit steamy from then. I once made the mistake of reading one while Natalia was sitting next to me. That was embarrassing as she saw the flush in my face.

Despite Natalia’s insistence that we should just email, she didn’t stop passing them back and forth between us. She’s told me that she’s built up a good friendship with the rest of the team, even Tasha has started the thaw, which I am please about.

I’ve kept every letter that Bucky has sent me and I hope he has done the same with mine.

 

Today was a big day and I was beyond nervous, but this was something I had been putting off and needed to do if I was to ever fully beat my demon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger - where's Steve off to?  
> Thank you for the comments and kudos


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers get an unexpected visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again - thank you for the comments and Kudos, it's really helping me keep on track

Chapter 16 – Bucky’s POV

The last four months have been tough for the Avenger’s constantly on hand to protect the city and the calls had increased from one or two a week to almost every day. When we weren’t fighting, we were trying to figure out who was responsible. These were coordinated attacks, the same people attaching over and over again.

We found out that a small fraction of Hydra remained and they were responsible for all the attacks on the city. Tony managed to track them down up near the artic and we had to travel there yesterday to get to them. We spent a long time there trying to plan how we were going to get in to the fortress they had there. We had to wait for the right time to attack, but finally saw an opportunity to get in.

The place was full of Hydra agents. Tony and Sam flew ahead while Wanda, Tasha, Clint and I took out the agents in the forecourt while the Hulk just all out went at everyone. These were fully trained agents. It was clear that they were planning a bigger attack.

Wanda and I worked together to take down the agents on the left while Tasha and Clint took down the agents on the right.

Tony spoke through the com’s, telling us to move forward and into the building as they needed back up. Clint and I were the first to move while Wanda and Tasha finished the ones in the forecourt.

When we got there, Sam and Tony were overrun. Agents all around them, pinning them down. Clint fired one of his special arrows that blinded some of the agents, allowing me to run forward and take them down. Sam was then able to get back into the air and proceed to take the others down. The Hulk came storming in and ran through all the agents he could

Wanda and Tasha joined and as a group we worked our way through the building, knocking out or shooting anyone who tried to stop us.

It was a long battle but we finally found the leader. It wasn’t anyone we knew about, clearly a low level agent who had risen to the top through fear and ability. Tasha subdued him, carried him to the jet and locked him up.

We dropped him off at the prison and headed back home.

When we finally landed back at the tower, we all split up to go shower and get changed. The water running down over my body as I scrubbed away the blood and dirt felt good and I felt refreshed afterwards. Just as I finished putting my clothes on, Tony’s voice came over the intercom requesting all Avengers to make their way to the rec room. It sounded urgent so I moved quickly.

As I exited my room, I bumped into Tasha and Wanda with Clint, Bruce and Sam following behind.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked us

“No idea, but it sounded important” Clint responded so we all speed up a little, but what waited for us in the Rec room wasn’t anything we expected. As we entered the room, we saw Tony and I could see Natalia was sitting opposite him, but it was the person sitting next to her that caught our attention. The person nodded to Tony and then stood up slowly. When the person turned round we were all startled and shocked. None of us moved or said a word as the person in front of us just continued to look at us.

Wanda was the first one to recover, before she moved away for us and went up to the person

“Steve!” she cried as she gave him a massive hug. He lend down a little and hugged her back. He said something to her when she pulled back to look at him and she nodded her head. I could see the smile on his face.

“No way” Sam said behind me before he too went up to give Steve a hug.

“Hey Sam” he said and hugged him too. 

Clint went up next, then Bruce, leaving me and Tasha behind.

I stood there taking in his appearance. He looked so much better than the last time I saw him. He was clean shaven, looked like he had put on some weight and muscle and the light in his eyes shone bright again.

When Tasha didn’t move, I chose to go over to him instead. I stood in front of him and just stared for a moment, before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in. I put my arms round his back and just held on to him, trying not to let the tears that began to gather fall.

“It’s good to see you Bucky” he said quietly into my ear

“You too pal” I responded. I didn’t want to let him go, but knew I had too for now so I pulled back from the hug and smiled at him, getting one of his trademark smiles back. 

When I moved back, I noticed that Tasha had still not moved. Steve looked at her a little sadly, like he knew this might happen, but didn’t push anything. It took a couple more moments before she said or did anything. Before any of us could process it, she ran straight over to him and almost jumped into his arms. Steve was nearly knocked backwards but managed to catch himself quick enough. They just stood there, hugging one another before Steve spoke.

“Missed you too Tasha” he said and she released him

“I’m glad you’re better Steve” she smiled as he moved to wipe a tear from her cheek.

When she finally released him, we all sat down. Natalia was on the right of Steve and Tony one the left. I sat in between Sam and Wanda and Tasha and Clint sat together. 

“What are you doing here?” Tasha was the first one to ask.

“I felt it was the right time to see you all again” Steve responded with a genuine smile

“We’ve missed you” Wanda spoke

“I’ve missed you all too. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened and for the way I handled thing, but it’s what I needed to do” Steve responded

“We understand” I said to him and he smiled at me

“Are you moving back in?” Sam asked

“Not yet, I still have a bit of work to do, but I wanted to see you all and show you that I am improving everyday” he told us.

It was understandable. He might look better now but anything to tip him back over and none of us wanted that.

“Do you guys mind if I speak to Bucky alone?” he asked as he stood up, startling me

“Go ahead” Tony said and indicated for me to follow, which I did

I followed him as he walked back to his room and entered it and I closed the door. Neither of us spoke for a moment, both unsure what to say

“You’re looking much better now” I told him

“Thanks, you too”. He looked round his room and spotted something that startled him. “Have you been sleeping in here?” he asked me

“I… um … yes” I responded quietly

“When did that start?”

“About 3 days after you left” I responded ashamed of my actions. “I missed you” I blurted out

“It’s okay Bucky, I don’t mind. Was just a little shocked” he said as he walked back over to me

“I’m so sorry” I managed to get out, before I started crying

Steve pulled me into another hug and let me cry, before he maneuvered us over to his bed. He sat me down first before sitting next to me and pulled me back into a hug. While I was crying, he was stroking my hair, telling me it was alright. After what felt like an eternity, I managed to calm down enough to look at him and could see that he had been crying too. I wiped his tears away and left my hand on his cheek.

Steve moved to cover my hand with his and we just looked into each other’s eyes. No words were needed, we had already said everything we wanted to in our letter. It was Steve that made the first move, looking between my eyes and lips, before he moved in for a kiss, but hesitated before I moved up to seal my lips over his. It was a light, experimental kiss, but at the same time said more than we could express in words.

When we finally released each other we both smiled.

“Best kiss ever” Steve stated and I agreed.

“So how are you getting on?” I finally asked him

“Good days and bad but I’m getting there” he responded

“I can see that. You are looking so much better now” I told him as I stroked my hand through his hair

“Well, it’s taken a lot of hard work and I still have my moments but the therapist has said that I should be in a really good place soon”

“Then what are you going to do?” I needed to know

“Well, I was hoping to move back here, but you seem to have taken over the place” he joked raising an eyebrow. I went to say something, but he stopped me

“I’m joking, I don’t mind that you’ve been sleeping here. It helps to know as it meant you did care” he said

“I always did” I said “Just had a shitty way of showing it”

“Yeah, we both did” he reminded me

“So what are you going to do in the meantime?” 

“Well, I was talking to Tony and asked if I could come back to the Avengers, part time kind of deal. You know the smaller fights at least. If they escalate, I have to leave but I can help in the smaller ones”

“What does Natalia think about that?” I had to ask

“Actually, she’s is not happy for me to help you all out” he told me

“Really?”

“I feel ready, so why not” he told me “I know Natalia is worried about me, but this is something I want to do."

“You know, the way you talked about her in your letters and from the smile on your face it kind of sounds like you’re in love with her” I said, part of me a little scared that he might be

“Well you don’t go through something like this and not love the person who helped you through it” he said sadly

I sat and thought about what he said for a few moments. Going over everything she had done to help me during this whole process, even if she was doing it for Steve. She was still there for me too.

"I think i understand why. She’s helped me a lot as well” I admitted to him. I did understand fully what it meant now. While Tasha was there for me at the beginning, when Steve left, things changed and I didn't want to be around anyone. But then Natalia started showing up. She managed to get through to me where the others had not be able to and began to help me understand what Steve was going through, I started to see her in a new light. So yes I did get it.

“Don’t worry Bucky, she’s never going to replace you” he told me giving me a chaste kiss

“I’m not worry” I told him

“We better get back before they come looking for us” Steve said. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew we had to get back, sadly.

By the time we got back to the Rec room, everyone was laughing and having a good time. 

“All good?” Natalia asked when she noticed us, but we just smiled back at her.

“Well, I’ll leave you lot to it” she said getting up to leave

“Do you have to go?” Wanda asked

“Yeah. I will see you later” she said coming to give Steve a hug

“You sure you can’t stay?” he asked her, clearly a bit nervous at being left with us alone and without his moral support

“You’ll be fine. I will see you later” she kissed his cheek and went to leave. Before she got too far away, I got up and hugged her as well

“Thank you” I said

“Your welcome” she told me, kissed me on the cheek and then left us with Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've learnt two things throughout this. 1. i really suck at summary's and 2. i cant really write battles very well (even though I've watched the Marvel films a lot) so I'm sorry if they are bad
> 
> Not sure if i'm happy about one bit but decided to keep it in anyway (Steve loving Natalia) **runs and hides**


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when you think everything is going well, the rug gets pulled out from under you and you land on the floor with a bump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments on the last chapter

Chapter 17 – Steve’s POV

 

I stayed with the team for a couple of more hours before I begun to feel tired. As much as I wanted to stay for the evening, I really didn’t think I would be able to stay awake. It was fun catching up with them and finding out everything I had missed and it was good to spend time with them, but I really did need to get back

Tony offered to let me stay the night, and while I did appreciate the gesture, I still didn’t feel fully ready to stay the night.

“Want any of us to walk you back?” Wanda asked

“No, it’s ok. I can make it back” I told her and moved to hug everyone goodnight.

“You know where we are” Tasha told me which made me grin.

When it came to hugging Bucky, I made sure to kiss him as well, out of an age old habit. I heard wolf-whistling behind me but paid it no mind.

“Okay break it up you too” Sam said and Bucky raised his middle figure at them before we broke apart.

“Do you really have to go?” he asked me

“Yeah but I’ll be back soon” I promised them

“Take care” Wanda told me

“I will” I gave everyone one last hug then left to tower, hoping to be back soon.

When I got back, I felt amazing. I reunited with my friends and best of all, Bucky.

“Good night?” Natalia asked I slumped on the sofa

“Oh yeah” I smiled

It’s a week before the team called me in to help them out. From what Tony told me on the phone, it’s a small attack, nothing too hard, but I was to meet Bucky at the tower as they needed to go ahead. I can see that Natalia is a little concerned, even if she was trying to put on a brave face and demanded that I be careful.

“If anything bad happens, remember that it’s not your fault” she told me. This confused me a little but I didn’t have time to try and interpret it, I had to get to the tower.

When I arrived, Bucky was there to greet me and we walked together to get my suit. As I changed I could see Bucky was looking me up and down. Checking to see if I was 100% ready to do this. I got ready quickly and grabbed my shield. It felt heavier than it has before but most likely this was because I hadn’t picked it up in months.

We get onto our bikes and head down town. The team already in action. I could see that it was more Hydra agents. I moved as quickly as I could, still a little slower than normal, with Bucky running beside me towards the battle. Bucky and I were to secure the area and help any citizens as we could. I felt bad that Bucky was being kept away from the main battle, but he seemed happy enough for us to work side by side and even though we weren’t close to the battle, we still had Hydra agents to take down as they tried to attack people.

Together we worked to clear through the agents. I had to shield myself several times, unable to advance, but while I hid behind my shield, Bucky would shoot ahead to take them out. I had to throw my shield to him at one point and he caught it and held it to protect himself before dispatching the agent and then threw it back to me. He threw it with a little bit too much force as it knocked me back a bit, but I regained my balance and nodded to him to let him know I was ok.

It felt like we were getting somewhere, until the worst thing happened. An agent managed shot at me, but when I held up my shield, the bullet bounced and hit Bucky’s metal arm. I was horrified that I didn’t aim my shield elsewhere and had to check he was ok. Because it was his metal arm, it only had a minor scratch, but had that have been his flesh arm, it would of hit him.

I had to shake my head of the thoughts to focus enough, but I could see Bucky was concerned

“Steve, are you ok?” he asked me

“Yeah, let’s go” I told him and headed off, leaving him there for a moment before he caught up and we carried on where we left off.

 

By the time the battle was won and the team had regrouped, I couldn’t stop the thoughts going through my head. I kept it together long enough to get back home and sit on the couch before all I could hear was the demon.

_‘You’re an idiot thinking you can still fight. You nearly caused Bucky harm because you’re too weak to hold your shield up right. You’re never going to be Captain America again. Did you see the look on Bucky’s face when you hit him? He looked pissed and angry. If you try to help again, you might end up killing someone’_

Over and over again they went. The demon was right, I could have hurt Bucky, worse if it was someone else. Bucky’s lucky because he had a metal arm, anyone else would have been injured.

So lost in my thoughts and tears, I didn’t notice there were two people in front of me. I didn’t pay them any attention, too focused on the demon.

“Oh Steve” I heard a female voice say, before feeling the person sit on the right hand side of me and stroke my arm, feeling a dog jump up into their lap.

The other person sat on the left and mirrored what the first person was doing. It didn’t calm me down so they put their hand on my hair and started to stroke through my hair.

“Come on Steve, come back to us” the second person said, a male voice

Between the voices talking and the stroking of my arm and hair slowly brought me back from the cliff edge and back into the room. When I was able to look round, I saw that Natalia and Bucky were next to me. I jumped when I saw Bucky and moved a little closer to Natalia. I assumed he would be hurt by that but he just smiled at me

“There you are” he said

“What… what?” I couldn’t speak

"What am I doing here?” he finished for me. I nodded

"I needed to check that you were ok. I saw how you reacted when the bullet hit my arm and I was hoping to catch you before you left but you ran too quick.”

"How did…?” I hiccupped

“I called Natalia and told her. She brought me here” he said, knowing what I was asking

“What happened?” she asked me as I turned my head to look at her. Before I had a chance to explain, Bucky told her about the accident. She didn’t say anything as he recounted the incident

"Shit” she responded to him, but didn’t say anything else, clearly aware of what was going on in my mind. I felt a sense of calm fill the room, knowing that Natalia was using her magic. While it didn’t stop what I was thinking, it did calm me down enough to be able to breathe properly. I saw Bucky raise his eyebrow as if to ask what was going on, but she just held up her hand and he could see a wave coming from it.

It took a good hour to be able to drown out the demon enough to explain to Bucky why I had taken off.

“It just wouldn’t shut up and made everything worse”

“Is there anything I can say to make you feel better? To prove it wasn’t your fault?” he asked me and I shook my head.

He said no more, just moved closer to me to put his arm around my shoulder and move me closer to him, taking my weight off of Natalia so she could go and make drinks. He just sat there and held me to his chest, continuing to stroke my head and didn’t say anything.

 

"Maybe it was too soon” he finally spoke but was speaking over me to Natalia 

“Yeah. Do you want to stay for the evening? Prove to him that you are okay?” she asked him

“Steve, would that be okay with you?” I nodded into his chest, not knowing if I could say anything without breaking down again

“Okay, I’ll pop out for pizza as I don’t have enough in for three people. I won’t be long” she told us and left, leaving me and Bucky alone with Jessie, who had moved onto my lap.

 

Neither of us moved, just stayed where we were, the silence being comforting as I felt and heard him breath and feel of his heart beat. I felt so tired that I must have dosed off as the next thing I knew, Bucky was shaking me softly telling me to wake up.

Natalia was back and there was 2 pizza boxes on the table, but I didn’t feel hungry at all, the stress of the day just making me want to sleep.

“Steve, do you want anything to eat?” Natalia asked me, but I shook my head. She didn’t try to make me eat, but I could feel Bucky wanting to. Natalia had out some movie on, but I was paying more attention to the feel of Bucky than anything else. When I woke again a bit later, I felt hungry and moved off Bucky’s chest to grab a bit of Pizza. I slowly ate it. I could feel Bucky watching me, but he didn’t say anything, just grabbed a bit himself.

We sat in silence, the only noise coming from the TV and Jessie barking every now and then, begging for us to give her a bit. As I ate, I started to think of what happened again. Before I went too far, Bucky sipped his hand up my back, bring me back out from my head. I turned to look at him and he was sitting there smiling at me making me smile back.

He got up to ring the rest of the team to let them know I was ok before coming back next to me. He seemed determined to not leave my side as did Natalia. both staying with me, knowing I needed the comfort.

When I felt I could no longer stay awake, I knew it was time to head to my bed, but I didn’t want to leave them. I didn’t want to be on my own. Natalia could sense what I was thinking.

“Why don’t you and Bucky head to bed” she told me and I looked at him

“You sure you want me there?” he asked me

“Please? I don’t want to be alone” I told

“Okay” was all he said back and rose to his feet. He held his hand out for me to take but before I did, I quickly hugged Natalia and then grabbed his hand, letting him pull me to my feet.

I held his hand as I led him to my room. I turned on the light so he could see what he was doing and moved to my bed, leaving him at the door. I quickly removed my top but left my pants on and got under the cover.

“Bucky?” I called to him

“I’m here” he said, taking in the layout of the room before turning the light off. I heard him move over to the left side bed, remove his top and then slip under the covers moving right up to my side.

As soon as I felt him next to me, I immediately moved to lay on my side facing him. He turned his head to look at me before lifting his arm up so I could cuddle against his side, resting my head on his chest. His arm closed round me and held me tight, neither one of us wanting to let the other go, and we fell asleep like that.

 

When I woke the next morning, he wasn’t there. I looked round and could see his shirt was still in my room, but I couldn’t see him. I thought he had left and the demon kicked up again, but was silenced as Bucky walked in not 2 seconds later, holding a tray in front of him. I felt relieved. He hadn’t left me, just got me breakfast. He came over and put the tray down on top of the cover and climbed back in.

“I thought you left” I admitted to him

“Sorry, I didn’t think you would be awake before I got back” he told me and cuddled me close

“You hungry?” he asked

I wasn’t but didn’t want Bucky to worry so I took some of the fruit and toast. Natalia really needs to do some shopping, I thought.

We ate and talked about anything but what happened yesterday, neither of us wanting to bring it up less it set me off again. I still felt bad for what happened, but tried to focus on Bucky than the demon. If he was here then I hadn’t done anything wrong, at least that’s what I kept trying to tell myself. Bucky must have sensed what was going on.

“You didn’t do anything wrong” he spoke up making me look at him “it was an accident”

“It was my fault” I told him

“Steve, you’re just a little rusty. I made mistakes when I joined the Avengers” he admitted to me

“You did? When?”

“I nearly got Sam injured because I went off into my head yet they still kept me there” he told me

“Oh” I tried to think when that was, but I didn’t come to mind

“Speaking of the Avengers, Tony wants you to see your therapist to go over what happened and to see if he thinks you ready to join us”

“But…”

“Steve, please. None of us want to see you go through this or go further backwards. You’re doing so well that none of us want to risk your health” he cut me off.

I could see what he was saying. If this one small incident could cause me to go backwards then what would happen if someone did get hurt. I don’t think I could live with myself.

“Okay” I said agreeing that it would be a good idea

“Thank you. Natalia's booked you an appointment today. It’s in an hour so you need to get ready.” He said, kissing the top of my head

“Will you come with me?” I asked

“I would love to, but I need to go see the team” he looked at me sadly “Natalia will be with you”

I was disappointed but the team came first “Okay. Will you come back?”

“Of course I will, if you want me to” he said

I got up to get ready for my appointment and Bucky took his leave after giving me a kiss and Natalia a hug.

 

When we got to my appointment, Jack was surprised to see me but we went to talk. This time I didn’t want to leave Natalia in the waiting room and dragged her in with me.

“So Steve, what’s happened” and I told him

“And how did that feel”

“I hated it. All I could think was that it was my fault and Bucky could have gotten hurt. I still think that even though he spent the evening and night with me. What if he doesn’t come back?” I rambled on, not stopping until it was all out in the open. I felt ridiculous for saying these things, but I couldn’t stop myself. Every now and then, Natalia would grip my hand a bit tighter but no one stopped me from talking.

When I was done, Jack was looking at me. “It’s clear that this has affected you far worse than anyone could have expected. I think it may have been a bit too early for you to re-join the team as you had not experienced a setback like this before and could not have known what was going to happen. Before, when you went backwards, it was only slightly and you were able to fight through, but because one of your friends was injured the demon had something stronger to latch onto. Clearly there is more work to be done before I feel you will be able to re-join the team again, but we can work through this.”

I took in what he said but was disappointed that I had set back. I was doing so well and now this. All that hard work for nothing.

“This is not to say that it will take as long. In fact with all the tools I have given you and you have put into place it shouldn’t take too long to get you back to where you were” he said hopeful

“What can I do?” I asked

“Continue what you have been doing. You can fight this, but you need to be aware of your limitations. So until I feel you are fit enough, I am going to ask that you do not re-join the team” he told me

I felt deflated. My shoulders slumped and I could feel the tears fill my eyes.

“Steve?” Natalia said my name gently

“I’m okay” I lied but she can see right through me

“Take it a day at a time Steve” Jack told me

 

Our hour was up and Natalia and I headed back to hers. I couldn’t see the light through the tunnel anymore. All my hard work for nothing.

“It’s not over yet” Natalia told me defiantly

“I can’t help but feel like it was all for nothing” I told her

“I know” she rubbed my shoulder and we walked back to hers in silence. When we got in, I slumped onto the sofa, not wanting to do anything. This sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry for doing this to Steve but at least he has Natalia and Bucky this time


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's Bucky going to react to Steve's set-back. Will he stay and help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 18 chapters - thanks for all the support

Chapter 18 – Bucky’s POV

Fuck it, Steve’s bloody well run off again. I saw that look in his eyes, he thinks I didn’t. I saw the horror on his face when that bullet scraped my arm. Heck the things metal it wouldn’t have done anything, but something went off in his mind and now he’s gone again. It’s not like it’s his fault anyway. I saw where that bullet was heading but didn’t have enough time to move out the way.

I didn’t have the time or patients to ask Tony to go see if he was okay, there is no way he is. So instead, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and speed-dialled Natalia. Thank god she gave me her number or I would be going crazy with worry.

“Hey Bucky, what’s up” she answered after two rings

“Something happened out on the field and Steve’s run off” I spoke quickly

“What? What happened?” she all but shouted back

“I really don’t have time to explain, but he took off very quickly and I saw the look on his face. It wasn’t good”

“Where are you now?” she asked

“About 5 min’s away from the tower”

“Okay meet me there, I’m just walking past it”

“Right” I ended the call and by this time the team had surrounded me

“Where’s Steve gone?” Wanda asked casually

“Shit happened and he’s done a runner. I’m off to meet Natalia, will explain later” I quickly rambled to them before running to my bike and heading to the tower

“Bucky!” Tasha shouted after me, but I really didn’t have time to explain anymore. I needed to get to Steve.

Natalia was waiting outside the tower, just as she said

“You’re not going to need that” she told me, pointing to my bike “This way” and she took off running. It didn’t take long for me to catch up. We ran for about 10 minutes before she stopped outside an apartment block

“Really? He was this close?” I asked her

“Is now the time for that?” she questioned me taking two stairs at a time until she reached her front door.

What we walked into was more than I could bear to see. Steve was sitting on the sofa, crying his eyes out. He didn’t even know we were there. When Natalia sat beside him, she indicated for me to do the same. And we just stayed there waiting for Steve to calm down enough to notice.

His eyes were red raw from all the crying he must have been doing and they were puffy. He looked so helpless and all I wanted to do was wrap him up in my arms and never let him go. If this is what he was like the first time, then I really was the shittest person for ever making him feel this way, even if I wasn’t the main catalyst.

All we could do was try to get him back into the room instead of his head. Natalia stroked his arm and I did the same, but when he didn’t respond, I moved to stroking his hair. It was just as soft as ever. All I want him to do is come back to us.

It took a while, but we got through to him, although he was shocked to see me there. While talking, the room suddenly felt strange, like a blanket of peace filling the room, sucking out all the bad vibes. Natalia held up her hand and I saw what looked to be waves coming out of her fingers. This must be the calming magic she spoke about. It felt nice and Steve seemed to be able to breathe better. 

I felt my phone go off a couple of times and knew it was the team, but right now Steve was all that mattered to me. He needed me and I was sure they would contact Nat. When she got up to get food, I saw her get her phone out of her pocket, sigh and move her phone to her ear as she left. 

I just stayed there, listening in case Steve started to cry again, but I felt his breathing calming down and when I looked he had fallen asleep in my arms, clearly so tired from his ordeal that he couldn’t stay awake.

When Natalia came back with food, she tried to get him to eat, but he didn’t. I really wanted to say something to him, to get him to eat, but remembering some of the things Natalia had passed on to me when she visited the tower, trying to force him to eat was not a good idea, so I ate while he stared in to space, staying close to me.

It shocked me when Natalia suggested I stay and I didn’t think Steve would agree. When he said ‘please’ I knew I couldn’t deny him, then again, if he had said no, I would have stayed on their couch. I was not going to leave him or Natalia to deal with this on their own. I could see it had affected Natalia as well, although she was putting on a brave face. How she managed to keep it together all this time, I will never know but will have to ask her about it later.

When Steve led me to his room, I took a look round. His easel was up and there was a picture of Natalia on it. Wonder if she knows? I also had to look around so that when I put the light off, I knew where I was going to get to his bed and slipped in beside him. I held him all night, scared that if I let go, he wouldn’t be there and ended up not getting much sleep myself as I wanted to watch him all night. 

In the morning I got up and went to the kitchen, seeing Natalia staring at one of the cupboards.

“Did he get much sleep?” she asked me when ii made her aware of my presence

“Slept through the night” I told her

“Poor guy. I really hoped this wouldn’t happen” she said sadly, looked like she had been crying

“It was our fault. We shouldn’t have let him join us. He wasn’t ready” I told her, hugging her to make her feel better. We just stood there and I could feel her tears.

“He was doing so well. This is only going to set him back” she spoke quietly

“Maybe, but he’s got us. We can help him better now, together” I told her. Strange that it was now me comforting her instead of the other way round. She lifted her head and smiled.

“I know, but's not going to be easy” she agreed “I spoke to Tony yesterday and explained part of it, well the bits I knew, but he wants you to see them as soon as possible. I’ve got to make Steve an appointment with his therapist as well because he is going to need it today” and she gave me a quick squeeze before moving away to ring Steve’s therapist

I took a few moments to breath. This was going to be hard trying to get Steve back to where he was, but we can do it. I think I was trying to convince myself more. I made him breakfast and went back to his room. The look he gave me when I walked back in was one of fear and relief, clearly thinking I had left him. That wasn’t going to happen again.

I wanted to go with him for his appointment, but I knew I needed to get back to the tower to let them know what was going on. The number of missed calls, voice mails and texts I got clearly indicated that if I didn’t report back to them, they were going to track me down. As much as I wanted to tell them over the phone, I couldn’t do that to the team. Plus Natalia would be with him so he wouldn’t be alone.

As I walked back to the tower, I started to think how I could help. I know I needed to be there for Steve but would have to work it around the Avengers. All this thinking was starting to hurt my head, that and not getting a lot of sleep. I’m going to have to take a nap when I get there.

“What happened?” Tasha jumped on me the moment I walked in the Rec room

“He’s had a set back after the battle yesterday” I told them “Short story, he shielded a bullet and it bounced and hit my metal arm. From what I could understand, he thinks the worst could have happened and feels guilty as shit for it. I don’t know exactly what was going on his head, I think Natalia has a better idea, but the long and short of it is that it affected him far worse than anyone could have predicted”

“Why didn’t Natalia talk him out of joining us?” Wanda asked

“She tried, but you know Steve. He can be bloody stubborn sometimes” I responded

“Oh god. Now what?” she continued

“He’s seeing this therapist today, but I don’t think he should come back to the team until they say he can” Tony piped up

“Why did he?” Wanda asked

“He wanted things to get back to normal but pushed himself into it too quick” I told them “We are just going to have to wait”

They all agreed, gutted by these events. We sat trying to think of ways we could help. Natalia called a little while later. I left the room to speak to her because I didn’t need the team overhearing the worst.

“How did it go?” I asked

“Not good. It’s really hit him hard and it’s like he’s gone back to the beginning. I was hoping you could come over again later” she asked “I think it would help if there were two of us.” 

“Okay, but only if it would help” I agreed and hung up. I went back to the team to explain what I was going to do.

“He’s not good. Natalia's asked me to go and stay with him, to help. You guys going to be okay with that?” I asked

“He needs you right now man” Sam said

“If you need me, call” I told them

“Sure thing. Give him a hug from us all will you” Tony said

I went to my room to grab some clothes. If I’m going to help Steve, I need to be there as much as possible.

I took my bike this time so I could get back to the Tower quickly and headed to Steve’s. 

I was greeted by Natalia’s dog as I walked in. She jumped up at me as I bent down to stroke her and got a face wash at the same time. When I walked into the front room, I saw that Steve was asleep, his head in Natalia's lap and she stroked his hair. She saw me and indicated for me to remain quiet so I didn’t wake him up. 

I moved over to the couch and took in his appearance. He looked so tired even though he was asleep. I sat down at Natalia’s feet, just wanting to watch him sleep some more.

“How are the team?” Natalia spoke in a hushed tone

“Worried, again” I whispered back to her “How long has he been asleep?”

“Not long” she responded and we sat there, both watching him sleep, neither one of us wanting to move or wake him. I shut my eyes for a moment leaning my head against Natalia’s legs. The sound of movement making me open my eyes. Steve was awake.

“Hey” I reached out to touch his face

“Hey” he said back to us quietly

“Hungry?” Natalia asked above me. Steve took a moment to think about it and nodded his head slowly, sitting up so Natalia could move. I moved out of her way and sat next to him. As soon as I sat down he cuddled up to me.

“You okay?” I asked him, then realizing what I said, wanting to take it back

“I will be” he told me not sounding convinced, silence engulfing us again. I didn’t really know what to say but tried to make light conversation.

“So what can I do to help?” I asked

“Just being here is enough” he told me, a small smile coming to his lips which caused me to kiss the top of his head.

“Lunch” Natalia announced as she came back out of the kitchen, Jessie in tow

“Does she always follow you?” I had to ask

“If you have food, she’s your best friend” she responded sitting to the right of Steve and placed the food on the table. She turned the telly on and put a DVD on.

“What are we watching?” Steve asked as he picked up a bit of food

“Labyrinth”

“What?” I hadn’t heard of this film

“Really? They never showed you this film? You might enjoy it. I know Steve does” she told me and started to eat

I was fascinated by this film. David Bowie was amazing and I loved the songs playing. Steve even swayed a little when Magic Dance came on, Natalia was right, he does enjoy this film, but it wasn’t enough to keep him awake for very long, lying down with his head in my lap and legs over Natalia’s. When the film ended, Natalia carefully lifted Steve’s legs and stood up, lowering his legs onto the sofa.

“Where are you off too?” I asked

“Have to walk Jessie” she told me a quickly and quietly got her trainers on and Jessie ready before leaving the flat. I needed to get Steve to his bed without waking him. As gently as I could, I managed to pick him up bridal style and headed to his room.

I ended up falling asleep next to him after putting him on the bed. His arms were around my neck and didn’t let go so I ended up getting into to the bed, cuddling him as close to me as I could.

Natalia woke us up a little while later as she had cooked us tea and she didn’t want either of us two to wake up mega hungry in the morning. Steve looked a little more refreshed, the sleep helping him a bit, but still down and he picked at his food, not eating very much of it. I was worried, but Natalia had explained to me before that this is what he was like, so I couldn’t let Steve see that. He needed support not someone watching him like a hawk. If Natalia can help him, so can I. I might just need more of her guidance.

Natalia and I got into a routine quite quickly all things considered. I would sleep in Steve’s bed with him, cuddling him as close as I could. In the morning, I would wake him up and he would move to the couch. Natalia and I took it in turns to go out and get food and the other would stay with Steve. He didn’t talk much, but when he did it was quiet and saddened. He didn’t eat much, but managed a few meals throughout the week. When I got called back to the tower a couple of days later, Steve reluctantly let me go, but with a promise that I would be back, which of course I always did. He would usually be asleep when I did return, head in Natalia’s lap. I sat in front of Steve, my head resting on Natalia’s legs so I could watch him sleep. I did fall asleep myself after one particularly difficult mission, but if Natalia minded, she never said anything. I know she managed to help Steve for a long time and I felt like i was interfering, but she never said anything about me leaving and had thanked me on more than one occasion. One night, while Steve was asleep, i asked her if she was okay as she looked tired. 

She explained that her own mental health was flaring up and was having a hard time trying to keep it from Steve as he was already in a delicate place. She told me that it always does round this time of the year but didn't elaborate further.

"I'm glad you're her to help Bucky" she admitted to me 

"I'm glad you asked me to stay and help" i told her, giving her hand a quick squeeze of reassurance.

We kept up this routine for three weeks. I asked to go with Steve to his therapy appointment, but he declined. I guess he was afraid of what i might find out, so while he and Natalia would be out, I would busy myself with tiding up or changing the sheets. Domestic stuff, boring but god how I had missed these little thing. Stave always looked more tired after his visits and would immediately lie on the couch, but found he couldn't sleep unless either I or Natalia was sitting next to him so he could rest his head on own laps and would be out like a light as soon as he settled down.

I didn’t have much time with Steve as I wanted, as I got a call from the team. They needed my help urgently as they needed me for a mission and as reluctant as I was to leave Steve, I couldn’t abandon the team when they needed me. Steve was asleep when I got the call, so I woke him gently to let him know I had to head back to the team and I would be back as soon as I could. He looked scared, like I wouldn’t come back, but I promised him I would and kissed him before moving to leave. Natalia came up to me, pulled me into her arms and told me to be careful. I hugged her back, promised her I would be and left. This mission had better be quick, I don’t like the thought of leaving Steve for too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sad but happy chapter at the same time. Labyrinth is my fave film which is why it's in here


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is going on in Steve's mind and how is he coping when Bucky is away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for still reading. took me a couple if tries to get this where i wanted it to be so i hope you enjoy

Chapter 19 – Steve’s POV

 

I hate it when Bucky has to leave to go on missions. All though he would always tell me when he had to go and always came back after, that didn’t stop the demon from talking and making me feel like utter shit. And because of it, and as much as I hate it, I can’t help but feel resentful that the team take him away from me. Surely they know how much I need him right now?

I’ve become dependent on Natalia and Bucky and it’s only a matter of time before they have enough and either leave me for good or tell me to go somewhere else. I can’t do anything without one of them there. I can’t sleep without Bucky now and when he has to leave, I find that I have to go into Natalia s room and sleep in her bed, her arms wrapped round me like a comfort blanket.

Whenever I am left on my own, especially at night without Bucky there, my demon would talk non-stop _‘Bucky’s only here because he feel guilt for how he treated you last time. Once you’re all better, he’ll ditch you and leave you alone. Even Natalia is getting fed up with you. Have you seen how tired she looks right now? That is all your fault. You’re never going to get better. You’re going to live you’re sad little life alone.  Even the team have had enough of you. That’s why they keep pulling Bucky away from you. They want you to live on your own’_

Over and over it would speak. Not letting up unless Natalia or Bucky are there. It’s like I’m living a constant battle with my own head and currently I am losing.

And now, the team have called Bucky away again. Only it’s been two days. He’s not returned or called to see if I am okay. Natalia’s been trying to get a hold of him, but only getting voicemail. She’s tried Tony and even went to the Tower to see if JARVIS can help. But even that bloody AI doesn’t know where they are

Bless her, Natalia’s trying so hard right now to help me, but I know something isn’t right with her. She does look tired and me coming into her room to sleep in her bed must not been helping. I keep waking her up, having nightmares. But she is still here and although she has her own issues right now, she’s putting them aside to help me. However, with each day that passes and no contact can be made with the team, she is getting worried.

I know she’s grown close to the team now and very close to Bucky so she would be as worried as me, if not more because she and I know that if anything happened to any of them, even if I am not there to fuck it up, I will still blame myself. Hell if it wasn’t for this bloody demon, I could be out there helping them.

Later that night, I found myself asking her what was wrong.

“Nothing wrong Steve” she told me but I wasn’t convinced.

“Please don’t lie to me. Something is going on with you. I can see it”

She sighed “Okay, but first you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you okay?” which I nodded in agreement

“Okay, so I had a call from my dad a few weeks ago and it was the usual ‘So are you fixed yet’ speech. My parents struggle to understand what I am going through so I don’t talk to them if I can help it. When I explained yet again that I will never be ‘fixed’ as they call it, they decided that if I couldn’t grow up and face my problems, that they will disown me. They have since done that and it’s caused me a lot of stress. I don’t handle stress very well and it’s caused me to become Hyper-Manic. So now I am constantly fighting what I call ‘my vampire’ which is the opposite of your demon”

"What’s the difference?” I asked her

“My vampire makes me do stupid things. Essentially everything that is wrong but exciting and dangerous my vampire encourages me to do. I haven’t been sleeping much recently and really want to do things that I will regret later on down the line. Constantly fighting him takes a lot of work so it looks like i am really tired, when in fact I have the energy levels of a 6 year old”

“And I’m making it worse” I said silently

“No you are not. As bad as this will sound you are a welcome distraction. Having you and Bucky here is keeping the vampire at bay but I can still feel him there. Besides, it always happens around this time of year” she replied sadly

“What’s so special about the end of August?” I asked

“My parents always phone on my birthday. That was at the beginning of the month”

“What? So I made you miss your birthday as well?” I stuttered

“No, you helped me cope through my birthday. Let’s put it this way, if you and Bucky were not here, I would have shut myself away, sitting on my sofa day and night listening to what my vampire wants me to do and he can be very convincing. Three years ago I went out, got drunk and ended up sleeping with some stranger. That’s what I did every year before that. The last two years I’ve spent sitting on my sofa, Jessie on my lap and distracting myself, but it was a struggle. But this year, I had you to look after and Bucky here so he hasn’t had the same power over me as usual and it feels great” she explained

“Oh” was all I could say

“Yeah, so don’t you think for one moment that you are a burden or whatever your demon is saying about me. You are helping me like I am helping you” she smiled at me

“Wow, that’s the opposite of what he’s saying” I admitted

“Good, make sure he knows that”

Knowing that I wasn’t a burden actually made me feel slightly better. And I was able to sleep a little better was still worried about the team.

Two days, turned into three, then four and still we had not heard from Bucky or the team. I was getting so worried now.

I couldn’t help what’s going on in my head. What if they’ve been captured and are being hurt. What if they are injured and can’t get any help. What if, What if, What if.

After Bucky’s had been gone a whole week, I was going out of my mind with worry about him and the team. Natalia’s been desperately trying to get hold of him or Tony still, but only getting voice mail.  She’s trying to keep my mind off things, but unable to. We were just too worried about the team to do much. And it was affecting Natalia as much as it was me.

We didn’t sleep much either, when we did, neither of us could stand to be alone and found our self’s in each other’s bed. Natalia doesn’t like to admit it to me but I could see she was getting worse, a lot more jittery and unable to stand one place for too long. I she was one the sofa with me, she was either reading and listening to her music at the same time, asking me to talk to her or just rabble on about something that didn't matter, like she couldn't stop herself and I was worried that she might not be able to cope with me as she was having issues as well, but she assured me that she was fine, that we were together so it would be alright. But as she was getting worse she wasn’t able to use her magic during this time as it might not help and could make things worse, so as much as I wished she could, she couldn’t use her magic to calm either of us down.

It wasn’t nice seeing the team on the news but at least I knew they were okay, this is worse. I don’t know where they are or if they are ok and my demon is milking it. Loving making me feel terrible and there was nothing I could do.

All I could do was sink further in to my head and Natalia was struggling to get through. I wanted to avoid my therapist today, but Natalia has made me go.

“You’re very agitated today Steve” Jack spoke

“Oh you think? I don’t know what’s happening with my team. I haven’t heard from them in a week and I’m going out of my mind with worry. How else am I going to be?” I snapped

“I understand Steve. Tell me what you’re thinking” he asked

“Anything could be going wrong, they could be in danger, hurt or worse and I’m stuck here, unable to help because this fucking Demon thinks it’s ok to dictate to me what I should be doing or thinking” I was getting angry now.

"And how do you think you could help right now?”

“I don’t know, but I could be there with them and I can’t because of this shit”

“So what can you do?” he asked

I didn’t understand what he meant by that. I couldn’t do a damn thing while I was in this state. Then it hit me. It was the demon stopping me from getting better, not me. There is something I can do. I can fight this. I’ve gotten to a better place before and I can get there again. He must have noticed the change in the way I was sitting as I was suddenly sitting up right.

“Had a revelation have you?” he said to me, bring me out from my thoughts

“Yeah, I can beat this. With Natalia and Bucky I know I can” I told him defiantly

“Natalia, Bucky, myself and the team. You’ve got us all” he reminded me “Just like you always have”

“My only fear is if I have another setback” I admitted “I know I can get better, it’s just I’m afraid of this happening again”

“You might well do. But as long as you remember all the tools you’ve been given and you look to have help from those around you, you can beat it each time. Trust me”

“So what can I do to stop worrying about the team? Actually scratch that, what can I do to stop worrying about my family” I asked him

“Well that’s a turn for the better. It’s the first time I have heard you call them your family rather than just your team. I am not sure there is anything I can tell you that will stop you worrying, but you need to try and remember what your team mates like. How strong they are and what they are capable of. You can’t help them right now, but beat this and before you know it, you will be able to help them” he told me

He was right. If I wanted to help them, I needed to get through this. I needed to deal with my issues and now I was angry at the demon. This was its fault and I needed to beat it.

Natalia was waiting in the waiting room when I came out. She was clearly shocked when she saw the look on my face, one that says ‘I am done with this shit’ and she smiled at me, understanding. We couldn’t leave just yet as Natalia had her appointment. It gave me a chance to have a talk in my head with the demon.

 _‘This is my life and you are not going to tell me how to feel and think. My family are strong and can overcome anything and nothing you say or do will stop me from believing this’_ I thought this over and over again. It didn’t stop me from worrying about them, but it did shut the demon up enough for me to think of a plan.

Although Natalia had gone to the tower several time through the week, I thought that maybe the two of us might have better like in finding something, anything that could easy my mind. Maybe they left some clue as to where they had gone. It was driving us both mad, but we needed to keep it together if we were going to find them.

On the seventh day, while searching through the Tower again, I heard the sound of the jet landing and relief rushed through me. They were back. I ran towards the Jet room, Natalia behind me and we watched as it landed. I waiting with baited breath to see if anyone was injured. Bruce and Clint were the first ones off, neither looking injured. Tasha and Wanda were next. Wanda was limping so she had gotten injured and finally Bucky and Tony got off. I rushed straight over to Bucky and pulled him into a crushing hug.

“Steve” he said breathless “I’m sorry” hugging me back

“You all doing ok?” Natalia asked the team, her voice think with worry

“Yeah, some injuries but otherwise ok” Tony told her “How’s he been?”

“I’ll tell you about it later” she told him before moving over to Wanda. I heard her ask Tasha and Wanda if they were okay and offered to help get Wanda to Dr Cho, but I was more focused on the man in my arms

“What happened?” I asked

“Hydra fraction in Australia. Several high profile politicians kidnapped and needed to be rescued. Took far longer than it should have done to get rid of them” Bucky said in my ear

“Why didn’t you call?” I had to know

“Com’s got knocked out.” He told me

“I was so worried about you all”

“I tried, I really did, but couldn’t get as message to JARVIS to let you know what was going on. I’m sorry” he apologised

“You’re forgiven” I told him and kissed him, relieved that they were all okay

We moved from the Jet room and I saw Natalia helping Tasha with Wanda as they took her to get looked at and we followed as the whole team needed checking over

“What happened to Wanda?” I asked as we went

“Got hit hard. She’s ok though just a sprained ankle we think”

“And you?” I asked looking over him

“I’m fine, all healed up” he assured me “How about you?”

“Let’s get you guys taken care of first” I told him. I could see he wanted to say something else but kept quiet.

I stood with Natalia outside while the they got checked over by Dr Cho. Tony had multiple bruises on his face and chest. Bruce had a bullet scrap on his left arm. Tasha had a cracked rib, Clint managed to somehow not have any injuries as did Sam.

Wanda did have a sprained ankle and would be out of commission for a couple of weeks. Bucky had a couple of bullet wounds but they had healed up fine.

We stayed with them when they moved to the Rec room, nursing their wounds, while Natalia and I arrange for food to be delivered. Natalia sat with Wanda, checking up on her and making sure she was comfortable. Bucky was right, they did get on like a house on fire.

Tony explained what happened. Large infiltration of Hydra agents with some very dangerous weapons. Took them several attempts, day and night to get into the building as there were hostages (high level politicians so they couldn’t abandon their mission) and even then some ran taking some of the politicians with them. They couldn’t let them get away with the weapons as they could be used to strike in other cities so took days to look for them, round them all up and get them out.

“I should have been there” I said

“Steve, it didn’t matter if you were there or not, there is not a lot you could have done” Tony assured me, but I wasn’t convinced.

“Trust me Steve, it would only mean that you would have been injured too” Wanda spoke

“I know, but at least I would have known where you were” I told her

“Steve, I know you would have wanted to be with us but we’re back now and are doing okay” Bucky said to me hugging me tight. The comfort helping to bring me down from the intense worrying I had experienced.

The team were very tired after their experience and Natalia and I offered to leave them so they could rest, but Tony insisted that we stay. They were tired but were not turning in just yet. We sat and talked about the whole thing and then they wanted to know how I was getting on.

“I… um I may have gotten a bit angry at my therapist this week” I admitted sheepishly

“Why?” Tasha asked but I couldn’t respond to her, to ashamed at my actions

“Steve has finally gotten to the stage of being angry with his demon and really wants to tell the thing to fuck off” Natalia piped up over by Wanda

“How does that work?” she asked her

“You get to the stage where you get fed up that this thing is keeping you from living the life you want to live so you get angry and determined to beat the thing”

“Is that a good thing?” Tasha asked

“It usually is. It usually means that you’re ready to move on and although it’s something that you’re going to live with for the rest of your life, you’re not going to let it define your life. Happens to me every so often” she smiled at her

“So a good thing” she smiled back at Natalia. Finally looks like they will get on.

“Well, he might slip a little, but that look in his eyes right now is something I have not seen in him before” Natalia responded

Tasha went over to see to Natalia and Wanda and they spent the evening talking. I was pleased to see that they were now getting on and it filled my heart with hope that my family can get along with Natalia. Wanda seems to like her.

Bucky looked down at me and smiled.

“What are you smiling for?” I asked him

“I haven’t seen you smile like that or look that content” he told me, planting a kiss on my cheek

“Yeah, well after worrying about you all for a week, it’s just nice to have you all around, safe and well” I told him, meaning every word “And it helps that Tasha is starting to like Natalia too”

“How has Natalia been?” he asked me concerned

“Not good. She’s having trouble with her own health, but insists that having me and you around is a help. Missed her birthday too. Can you see if there is anything she wants? I’ll like to get her something for all she has done”

“Of course, but not today. Let’s just enjoy our evening and then I’ll speak to her tomorrow” Bucky promised me.

Safe in the knowledge that my family were home I decided that I was going to beat this Demon. It has no hold on me and I will fight it all the way. If Natalia can conquer her Demon/vampire and still live a life even with a few setbacks then so can I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Steve has had a revelation. On the up and up
> 
> Sorry i made my OC's parents arseholes. Needed something to stress her out


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's seeing the change in Steve and it's making everything looks that little bit better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay a happy chapter :-)  
> Thank you for reading this far and for the commnts and kudos
> 
> for all my readers who have been reading this as i post each chapter, you might be wondering why i have changed Nat's and to Natalia. I received a very lovely comment from Filianoxnoctis (thanks Hun) who advised that having two Nat's in one story can be confusing for readers, so i have changed my OC's name from Nat's to Natalia throughout the story to help distinguish between the two charterers and to help any new readers do the same. Hope it doesn't confuse you all too much.

Chapter 20 – Bucky’s POV

I never thought I would see it, but after today, I can see how determined Steve is to beat his demon. Tonight is the first time since I came back that I have truly seen him smile and look content and even better, called us his family. He only ever called me that and now here he us, smiling and spending time with us.

It was gut retching when I realised I couldn’t get in touch with him and I tried everything I could think of to get a message to him. I made a promise to myself that when I got back, I would go straight round, sod the de-briefing and seeing the doctor, I knew I needed to get to Steve. So I was beyond shocked to have him run into my arms the minute I got off the jet, despite a couple of ribs being crushed by his fierce hug, I held onto him for as long as I could, begging for forgiveness for leaving him for so long.

I was just happy to see him and Natalia. I missed them both and couldn’t stop worrying about them, but they seem to be fine.

Once we got checked up, I pulled Steve to me and haven’t let him go since. Just sitting here on the sofa, watching Natalia fuss over Wanda and making sure she was comfortable. When Natalia explained that Steve was now at his demon, he looked a little ashamed, but I was proud of him. He finally has that look in his eyes that says ‘I can beat this’. He’s always had it even when he was small and sickly. He never let me stop him from doing anything, always rushing in head first to prove his worth. And I see that in him now.

He agreed to stay the night, although Natalia had to leave as she couldn’t leave Jessie on her own. Tony offered to take her home to get Jessie, but Natalia declined as she felt that we needed to bond without her there. I tried to convince her to come back as she was now a part of our family, but she still insisted in going home. We all hugged her goodnight, mine and Steve’s being much longer almost like Steve didn’t want to let her go, but she eventually managed to wrangle out from his arms and leave before any of us could stop her. Not that we would as it was her decision.

None of us stayed up that much longer, far too tired to keep awake, so one by one they each departed to their respective rooms, leaving just me and Steve. We stayed on the sofa cuddling, neither one of us wanting to break the contact, but as I started to drift off, I felt Steve’s lips on mine.

“Let’s go to bed” he told me as he rose from the sofa, holding out his hand for me to join him which I took without any hesitation and he guided me to his room. He pulled me in, in case I decided not too (not going to happen) and headed over to the bed. He changed out of his clothes into a t-shirt and boxers and I did the same. We got into bed and cuddled up as we had done every night only rather than Steve cuddling up to try and hide from me, he tilted his face up at me, his hands running over my chest “to make sure I was really okay”. It tickled and caused me to giggle, but I stop him from doing anything further by grabbing his hand, pulling it up to my face and kissed each knuckle, then held it to my chest. “Go to sleep” I told him, moving to kiss the top of his head, but ended up kissing his lips as he leaned his head up to meet mine.

We shared a sweet but passionate kiss, smiling at each other and closed our eyes, falling asleep together.

 

Since than Steve’s been getting better and going from strength to strength. He still has his bad days, some worse than others, but rather then hide away at his place, not wanting to see anyone, he spends more time either here at the Tower or at his place, but letting anyone come over. He would often get Natalia and Jessie joining us sat the tower. Jessie was very popular with Sam and Wanda and they loved it when they came over. 

It’s great to see him looking so health, well and laughing and joking along with the rest of the team. It’s like the old days. Natalia’s also starting to look better. I managed to get her to tell me what was going on and promised that she had got her medication altered to help out and was feeling much better as the tablets were kicking in. Needless to say, I kept a close eye on her just in case. Can’t let her have her own setback, not after everything she had done for me and Steve. She looked after Steve, I’m going to look after her. As it turns Steve was doing the same. Never did find out if she wanted anything for her birthday so I will have to think of the best thing I can for next year.

While Steve’s still not cleared to join us and has not yet moved back home, it doesn’t stop him coming over after our missions to check us over and look after us. We even managed to convince him and Natalia to stay over some nights. 

Tasha, Wanda and Natalia sat over one side of the rec room talking, giggling and enjoying the time they had together while Bruce, Clint, Tony and I spent the evening with Steve and we spent the evening playing cards.

After a while, we finished playing cards and joined the girls, who were debating over what to watch. Of course this turned into a bit of a friendly batter with Tasha, Tony and Bruce wanting to watch an action film, Wanda and Steve wanting to watch more of a girly film and me and Sam wanting to watch more of a horror film. Natalia hadn’t said anything during this time and Tony asked her what she wanted to watch.

“I’ll leave that one to you guys” she said

“What, couldn’t watch a nasty horror movie?” Sam goaded

“Wanna bet?” Natalia asked him

“Yeah, I’ll take that bet” Tony piped up. “Bet you can’t watch any horror movie I own”

While Wanda agreed, she’s not into horror movies and neither is Bruce, Natalia argued that she could and bet us that if she could sit and watch any horror we put on then we had to do whatever she asked of us for one whole day. If she lost, then she had to show us how powerful her magic really is. Tony being the inquisitive type is keen to see just what Natalia can do and us being blokes and cocky agreed to the bet. I saw Steve smirk at that but I didn’t pay it any attention. Really should have done after he declined to be involved.

So Wanda and Bruce went off so they wouldn’t have to watch them while Tony put on Nightmare on Elm Street. Natalia was sitting on the floor in front of Steve and it didn’t faze her, I’m sure she even leaned forward when Johnny Deep was pulled through the bed. She sat through the whole thing not flinching once. So Tony tried The Conjuring. That one scared Steve a bit and he hid his head in my shoulder. Tony flinched a bit, but again it didn’t faze Natalia. Sam was loving this as he got to have a horror movie marathon in the Rec room. Normally Sam and I had to go to the other TV room to do that. It’s not as nice as this room but we managed.

So as a last ditch effort, Tony pulled out one film that even I have a hard time watching. A film called 2001 Maniacs. This one was gross. Lots of gory deaths, I mean one guy has his stomach eaten away by acid. And Natalia laughed! I mean actually laughed! God this one was strange.

When it was over, Natalia turned to us and said “That the worse you have?” which made Steve laugh out load.

“What’s so funny?” Tony asked as he handed over the money to Natalia

“I already knew you were going to lose that bet”

“You son of a …” Tony lunged at Steve, who jumped out of my arms and too off down the hall, laughing as he went, nearly knocking Natalia down onto the floor.

Natalia was laughing too, moving to sit over by me

“You are a very strange person” I told her as she looked at me

“Yep and I won the bet too” she reminded me. Well shit.

Steve came running back in with Tony still chasing him before he finally tackled him to the floor, play fighting.

“Alright, break it up children” Tasha joked, but couldn’t help but join in laughing. They really were children sometimes.

When they finally did break it up, Steve helped Tony stand and hugged him before yawning.

“Old man’s getting tired” Tony commented

“Old man joke, classy” Steve replied, but ended up yawning again, which made Tony yawn too

Steve moved over to me and helped me up off the couch but looked at Natalia and asked “Where’s Natalia sleeping?” 

Before anyone could respond, Wanda appeared, grabbed Natalia’s hand and proudly announced “She’s bunking with me” and pulled Natalia towards her room.

“Night guys” Natalia shouted to us as she was led away

“Night” we shouted back and head in separate directions to our room.

After we got into Steve’s room, Steve smiled and kissed me before he walked over to the bed and took off his top and trousers, leaving him just his boxes. It still took my breath away how sculpted his chest was and now that he’s regained all his lost weight and muscle, it was like he was never ill. I must have been staring quite hard because Steve started to blush.

I walked to walk towards him, pulling him into my arms and kissing him gently on the lips, the kiss becoming a little more heated. As much as I wanted to ravish him right here and now, I was determined to do things right. After everything Steve had been through, the last thing I wanted to do was push him to do anything he wouldn’t nor would I want to make him think that I was really after was sex. I know he’s a lot better now than when he wrote his letter, but I didn’t want to risk it. I would be affectionate with him and kiss him, but until I get to wine and dine him a few time, I was not going to do anything else. There’s a time and place for this and tonight was not it.

I reluctantly pulled away from the kiss, looking him in the eyes and seeing them shine bright at me, a dopy grin on his face.

He wined and tried to pull me closer to him, but I didn’t move towards him, instead guiding him to the side of the bed and told him to get in. The pout told me what he was thinking, but I was not swayed.

“Another night Steve” I told him which caused him to sigh loudly

“You know I love you Steve, but I really want our first time in the century to be special” I told him, kissing the top of his head “Besides, I don’t want to rush things”

“Okay, but don’t take too long figuring out when it’s going to be” he told me which made me smile. Giving him one last kiss, he curled up to my side and drifted off into a peaceful sleep. 

I lay there watching him for a while and realised just how much I loved him. I loved this man more that life itself and this time I was going to prove it to him so he would never have any reason to question it or have any reason to believe anything negative that his demon may say about me.

I will do this the right way. It will be hard but he deserves nothing but the best and that’s what I am going to give him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lets see if Bucky can treat Steve right x


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Bucky to treat Steve right and take him out like they all way wanted too, but Steve still has a couple of things to sort out with his demon in between the dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a mix of happy and sad in this one
> 
> Reminder, changed my OC's name from Nat to Natalia to help distinguish between MCU Natasha and my OC
> 
> thank you for all comments, feedback really helps

Chapter 21 – Steve’s POV

While I was a little disappointed that Bucky didn’t want to have sex with me, I did appreciate the fact that he wanted to make our first time in the century special. But by god was it hard to stop. All I wanted to do was run my figures all over him, just to prove to myself that he really was lying here next to me and still wanted me in that way.

The demon started talking in my ear about how ‘Bucky doesn’t really want to sleep with you, you know that’, but rather than listen to it, I concentrated on the feel of Bucky lying next to me and occasionally he would tighten his hold on me. I could feel that he was watching me. It unnerved me at the begging as I couldn’t understand why he was watching me. Occasionally the demon would speak up that Bucky was only watching me until I went to sleep so he could breathe a sigh of relief that I had finally gone to sleep and could leave him alone. It played on my mind a lot. But after a few weeks of him lying in the same bed as me, I started to realise that the only reason he was watching me was because he wanted to, to make sure I was still there beside him.

Now that I was started to get better, I found that I once again had a sex drive and would get hard just thinking about all the things Bucky and I could do now. But he wanted to wait and after everything we had been through, I felt I should give him that. Doesn’t make it easy to sleep next to him and I would feel his hard on when he spooned me, but he would always apologise to me and we would lie there waiting for his hard on to go away.

On a couple of occasions, I woke up hard, but I didn’t let Bucky know. At least I now know that I can get hard. Not having had an erection for almost the whole time I had been going through my depression, it had me worried for a time, but now I didn’t have anything to worry about.

I was sitting on the couch in Natalia’s apartment when someone knocked on the door. Natalia moved to open it and I was shocked when I saw Bucky walk in, a bunch of flowers in his hands, dressed in a fancy dress shirt and almost tight jeans, his hair slicked back like he used to wear it.

“What is this?” I asked him

“Well, I was hoping you would like to join me to see a film” He smiled at me, holding out the flowers

“You know I’m not a flowers kind of guy” I told him and I got up and moved over to him

“Well I wanted to make an effort” he replied, kissing me

I took the flowers from his hand and went to put them in the kitchen. When I walked back out, I look at him then down at me own clothes. I couldn’t go out in tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt. 

“I’m just going to get changed” I told him and went into my room. I looked through my clothes, trying to see if I had anything that I could wear, but didn’t see anything appropriate. I heard a knock at my door, and Natalia’s voice asking if I was decent before she came in, holding a bag. 

“Think this might be useful” she said as she put the bag on my bed then left.

I opened the bad and saw Jeans, shirts and even a suit. Bless her, she went and got me some of my smarter looking clothes. I pulled out my nicest jeans and put a shirt on, checking myself in the mirror that I had only had put in here four weeks ago. I was looking quite good and I hoped Bucky thought so.

The wolf whistle I heard when I came out told me all I needed to know. Bucky was grinning at me and Natalia was looking me up and down.

“You clean up nicely” she told me, which made me blush a little. Compliments always did that.

“She’s not lying” Bucky agreed taking in my appearance “Shall we then?” he offered his hand to me and I took it without hesitation, blowing Nat a kiss as we left. 

We walked hand in hand to the cinema. Occasionally one of us would rub their thumb over the others hand. When we go to the cinema, I asked Bucky what we were seeing. 

“What would you like to see?” He asked me

“Um… oh The Force Awakens” 

“Star wars, nice choice” he agreed and went to pay for the tickets. We got some popcorn and drinks and headed in, sitting right at the back in the corner.

Our hands intertwined again and we sat and watched the film. Every now and then Bucky would look over at me and I would turn to him, smiling. I was having a great evening and really enjoyed being out and about. Half way through the film, he released my hand to put his arm round me and I snuggled into him. Sitting here, watching a film with Bucky was wonderful and I enjoyed every minute of it. When the film ended, we walked back to Natalia’s talking about all the good things from the film.

“Where you as shocked as I was when Harrison Fords character died?” I asked him

“Yeah and to be killed by his own son, just wow” he agreed with me

“Did not see that one coming. And to only have seconds with Luke Skywalker, man that annoyed me” I told him

“Don’t worry, it’ just setting up for the next film” he reassured me. Yeah the next film which will be two years away.

We continued to talk as we walked home, just enjoying one another’s company. We made good time getting back and Natalia was still up when we got in, curled up on the couch, book in hand.

“Good movie?” she quizzed setting her book to one side

“Yeah, you need to go and see it” Bucky answered her as we sat on the couch with her.

“What are you watching?” I asked her

“No idea. It’s just background noise” she admitted

“You still reading that book? What’s it call?” I asked

“Stephen King’s ‘IT’ and yes I’m still reading it. You see how thick this book is?” she pointed out to me and continued reading, so lost in her book that she didn’t notice Bucky change the channel on to some chick flick. If she had of noticed, he would have been told to change it over but she didn’t say anything Bucky and I cuddled up and watched before I fell asleep on him.

For our second date, Bucky took us to the park for a picnic. We sat on a cloth under a willow tree that Bucky was leaning up against and I was in between his legs, my back to his chest. Bucky made us a basket of sandwiches, fruit, crisps and chocolate and we ate together, watching the world go by. Bucky then started pointing the shapes he would see in the clouds, ranging from boats to dragons and at one point he insisted that he could see one shaped like the Hulk although I couldn’t see it but I gave it to him anyway.

It was so nice being able to spend time out in the open with Bucky. Before for the war we couldn’t to this. We could only just get way with living together, even if we didn’t start out as a couple. But now it didn’t matter if we were out together, holding hands or kissing, no one battered an eyelid. Okay there were a few glances, after all we were Avengers, but there wasn’t too many negative people around. 

It did happen one time, an anti-gay protester was at the end of the street, spouting homophobic slurs and directed them at me and Bucky. Mainly Bucky through as the guy was sure that Bucky had corrupted Captain America and we should be ashamed of our self’s for being out in public. 

That one hurt a lot because I was already having a bad day and Bucky was taking me out to try and make me feel better. Once we got back to Natalia’s my demon reared its ugly head and I was unable to hold back my emotions and spent the rest of the evening crying on Bucky’s shoulder before falling asleep, having nightmares about Bucky leaving me and moving on with a girl because it was wrong for us to be together. I woke up in tears and woke Bucky up in the process. He pulled me as close to him as he could and told me how he loved me and nothing was going to keep us apart ever again. 

As much as I loved and trusted Bucky, there were some things I couldn’t tell him and I was disappointed in myself of this fact. Why couldn’t I tell him everything I was thinking or feeling? I asked Jack of this when I saw him that weeks

“Why do you feel that you can tell me things that you can’t tell Bucky?” he asked

“Well, because you’re a professional and I know what I say here is confidential and you can’t judge me” I responded

“Do you think Bucky would judge you?”

“I don’t know. I mean I don’t think he would but I’m scared to find out” I admitted sadly

“Well why not give it a try, just with something small to start with and see how he reacts” he advised me

“I guess I could give it a try” I wasn’t convinced that he wouldn’t judge me, but I needed to give it a try if I was ever to make headway.

Later that night, we were sitting on the couch and I took a deep breathe.

“You okay Steve?” he asked me, turning to face me

“Um… well I need to tell you something, but I’m scared at how you may react” I whispered

“You know you can tell me anything” he tried to reassure me

“Okay, here goes. Sometimes I think that you’re going to get sick of me and my issue and leave me” I blurted out

He sat there and looked at me as if contemplating what to say. It felt like he was looking at me for hours, but was only a couple of minutes. During this time, I was screaming in my head ‘why was I so stupid and say that to him? Now is going to think you’re an idiot and laugh at you, that wasn’t a small thing to tell him’

“That’s a very brave thing to tell me” he said gently, placing his hand on my cheek “Is that you thinking that or your demon?”

I turned my head to the side to look at him. What did he mean by … oh. I stopped my negative train of thought and smiled at him.

“I think that’s more my demon then it is me” I admitted to him

“Good. And just so you know, I will not leave you, I will not let that demon let you push me away. I’m here for the long haul, through your good times and bad” he told me defiantly.

I all but jumped into his lap, hugging him tight which he returned.

“No matter what, I’m going to here for you” Bucky reassured me. 

It reaffirmed to me that my demon can be beaten back into submission if I let people in and tell them what is going on inside my head.

Each date would be more romantic than the last. He took me just about every date you can think of. Romantic walks along the beach while the sun set, sitting and watching the stars come out and enjoying each other’s company. Meals in, watching films, just the two of us, Natalia spending the evening with Wanda and Tasha. I must admit I was starting to feel bad that she would give up her apartment for us, but if it bothered her, she never told us. We even began borrowing Jessie and would take her to the park waking hand in hand, laughing as we went. Jessie seemed to come to me when I called her, but ignored Bucky which I found funny. He would stick his tongue out at me in a childish fashion before I kissed his pout away.

He insisted on taking me out for a date every week for two months and I don’t think I have ever had as much fun as I am having now. However as much as I was enjoying our dates and the time we spent together, I was really starting to get sexually frustrated. If he didn’t make his move soon, I’m going to make it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please accept my apologies for my poor descriptions of Steve and Bucky's dates. Not been on enough to describe them well  
> Give me the mind of a depressed individual and i can describe it inside and out, give me dates to describe and i don't have very much to go on.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Bucky to give Steve one of the best nights of his life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date night & SMUT! need i say more??

Chapter 22 – Bucky’s POV

I’m so grateful that Steve is now comfortable telling me everything. I knew there were things he wasn’t telling me but didn’t want to push him into telling me anything until he was ready. At first I was worried what he was going to say and it took me a little time to think it through correctly before responding. I wanted him to know exactly how I was feeling about it and so he can feel that he can open up to me,

With this knowledge, I felt that he was now in the best possible place that he could be in. He’s made such great progress and I’ve tried my hardest to help him get that way. Maybe tonight is the best night to show him how much he means to me and how much I love him. Tonight is going to be special.

I ordered a table at one of the fanciest restaurants around. Very private and intimate. I was trying to decide if I was going to take Steve back to the Tower or use his empty apartment when Natalia offered to go to the Tower for the night so I could bring him back here. I asked her if she was sure and she smirked before telling me she had something planned to help me but wouldn’t tell me what.

I turned up at 7pm, dressed in a blue shirt and tight blue jeans. If I’m going to seduce him, I was going to look my best. When Natalia let me in, I saw Steve was dressed up to the nines as well. Who was trying to seduce who here? He looked incredible. Tight black jeans and black shirt. Natalia’s bloody sneaky.

I walked over to him and kissed him, telling him that he looked amazing which made him blush but he returned the compliment. He gave Natalia a big hug. As he let her go, she gave me a sneaky wink and she shooed us out of the door.

We took a cab to the restaurant, sitting next to each other, hand in hand. Both of us eyeing the other without letting the other know what we were doing. We were in the cab for 30 minutes but neither of us spoke, just enjoyed the comfortable silence.

When the cab arrived, I paid the driver, jumped out and walked round to Steve’s side and opened his door, holding my hand out for him to take. He grinned at me and held my hand and I guided him to the front door, opening it and letting him walk through first. This caused him to giggle a little bit as he realised what I was doing. Treating him like the gentleman he is. I gave the waiter my name and he led us to the back of the restaurant to one of the booths, slightly concealed from prying eyes. Steve looked amazing and he was mine to ogle.

I let him chose the wine and we looked over the menu, our eyes meeting over the menus, giggling like teenagers. Once we choose our food, we sat holding hands over the table and made small talk. We ended up talking about some of the funnier stuff from our time with the Howling Commandos which made us laugh, until our food arrived. We ate in silence, glancing at each other. I never realised just how much Steve’s eyes shined when he was truly happy. I never took the time to treat Steve this way so didn’t have the opportunity before. And now I couldn’t stop looking at them. Such a beautiful shade of blue. I got so lost in his eyes that he had to touch me hand to bring me back into the moment.

“You okay Bucky?” he asked. Slight concerned

“Yeah, just got lost in your eyes” I admitted to him, causing him to blush before we resumed our meals.

Once dinner was both finished, we were both ready to leave, just wanting to be at home alone. The waiter came over with the desert menu, but I had already decided what I wanted and it wasn’t anything they could provide. I saw the twinkle in Steve’s eye when I joked that I already had desert waiting for me at home. He got the hint and declined as well. I asked for the bill and paid, puling Steve to his feet and into a cab as quickly as I could, crashing my lips to his once we were seated. He tasted like the wine he had drank and I prayed the cab would hurry to get us back to his because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my hands off him.

When the cab pulled up, I paid him and we exited quickly. Steve pulled up the stairs and as his back was turned to me so he could open the door, I slipped my arms round his waist, my hands over his stomach and attached my lips to his neck, placing gently kisses.

“Bucky, I need to get the door open” he whined but made no effort to stop me causing me to smile against his skin.

“You better pray Natalia’s not here” he said as he finally opened the door. It was empty. No Natalia, no Jessie that we could see. “Let me just check” trust Steve to want to be thorough. If he had just asked me I could of told him they weren’t here. The sound of laughter caught my attention coming from the kitchen.

“You are not going to believe this” Steve came in still laughing with a bit of paper in his hands. He handed it to me and what I read also drew me into fits of laughter

_Steve & Bucky,_

_Gone to the tower so I don’t hear you guys and so your noises don’t make Jessie bark all night._

_If you make a mess of my couch you are cleaning it so use the bedroom._

_Left a little present or two in there._

_Enjoy!_

_Love Natalia_

 

“Trust her” I said to Steve, placed the note on the coffee table and pulled Steve back to me, the distance between us to far. We meet in the middle and kissed passionately. Lips moving together in sync, my hands moving to Steve’s sides and him mirroring me. We just stood there kissing in the middle of the living room. I was tempted to move Steve onto the couch but he started to grind against me and if his erection was anything to go by, if we lay down on the couch, we wouldn’t be moving.

Slowly, I walked backwards, having memorized the entire apartment, pulling Steve with me but not releasing his lips or his body until my back hit his bedroom door. Steve pinned e there, increasing the passion of the kiss and his tongue into my mouth when I opened it in shock of the force he used to hold me there. Tongues dancing with each other, both trying to dominate the kiss. I let Steve win so I could have the chance to open the bedroom door. If it wasn’t for the fact that we had a hold of each other, we would have fallen on to the floor.

I released Steve so I could pull him through the door when he stood still, shock written on his face. I turned round to see what he was looking at as was taken a back at what was in front of us.

The room was decorated in fake candles dotted around the whole room, there were fake rose petals from the door to the bed and there were fresh, what looks like silk, sheets on his bed. I spotted a couple of items on the bedside table but didn’t pay them any attention, instead turning to Steve who had tears forming in his eyes.

“What the…did you…?” was all he could get out

“It wasn’t me” I admitted, slightly ashamed that I didn’t think of this. Steve just smiled at me and placed a gentle kiss on my lips

“Damn she’s good” he said quietly.

We resumed kissing after Steve kicked the door shut. Steve’s hands were suddenly pulling my shirt out from my jeans, itching to get it undone, but his hands weren’t cooperating. Not wanting him to struggle, I pushed him off me for a moment and pulled my shirt over my head, all confidence knocked out from me when I saw Steve stare. The sight of my scars still cause him to retreat into his head at times and I have to keep reminding him that it wasn’t his fault. I was waiting for it to happen again.

Suddenly I felt so insecure and ashamed, lowing my head not wanting him to see me when his hand cupped my chin, raising my head. Scared of what I would see, it took me a moment to look at him, but only saw the same blue eyes shining at me as they have been all night. He smiled at me “It’s okay, I’m still here” he told me before leaning in and kissing me passionately. His touch was always gentle when he would run his hands over my scars after I was able to bring him back out of his head, but this time I didn’t need to do anything. He hadn’t retreated back. He was still here in the present with me.

Coming out of my shocked state, it was Steve’s turn to take his shirt off. I pulled it out of his jeans and opened each button, releasing his mouth so I could kiss down his neck and then his chest as I pop one button after the other before I had pulled it off completely. The sight of his chest still blows me away even though I had seen it a million times. The only scars I could see where the ones I gave him. I kissed each one of them, a silent apology.

Steve didn’t let me stay there for long and he pulled me back up to full height to crash our lips together, tongues continuing their seductive dance as Steve walked us back towards the bed. My knees hit the edge and Steve pushed me to sit down, climbing into my lap, his knees either side of my legs, and started to grind our erections together, causing delicious friction, hands wandering over each other’s chests, never stopping.

Steve’s constant grinding was starting to get to me, I needed more, but this was all about him and not me, so I stood him up and re-positioned us so he was the one sitting on the bed while I stood over him. I kneeled down in front of him and trailed kisses down his neck causing him to sigh quietly, placing gentle kisses followed by little nips as I went. When I hit his chest, I started giving him open-mouthed kisses, making sure to poke my tongue out with each one.

I got to his nipples and took his left one in my mouth, nipping at it gently while my other hand pinched and rolled the other between my metal fingers, being careful apply just the right amount of pressure. Above my head, Steve started to pant quietly, his nipples always were sensitive and he couldn’t keep the noises in him. I didn’t want him to, I wanted him to make as much noise as he wanted.

“Let me hear you baby” I said to him, looking up just in time to see him lean his head back, pushing his chest forward more and moaned louder as I continued my torture of his nipples, switching so the other one got the same attention. God the sounds that came out if his mouth were making me grow harder and I had to leave his nipple to rearrange myself so I was a little more comfortable.

Leaving his nipples alone, I kissed my way down his abs, feeling them constrict by as each kiss was placed before I reached the top of his jeans. I took this opportunity to glance up at him and caught him staring at me, mouth open, licking his lips. I popped the button and using my teeth to pull the zipper down, watching Steve’s reaction, his eye blown open wide. I put my hands on the side of his jeans and begun to pull on them. Steve lifted his hips up enough so I could remove them and relieve the discomfort he might have felt, leaving him in his boxers, cock bulging.

I mouthed at his cock over his boxers, kissing and tonguing him hearing him release a soft “fuck” as I continued. Eventually I took pity on him and pulled on his boxers, managing to get them down his legs, leaving him naked in all his glory, his cock springing up in attention.

My mouth watered at the thought of having him in my mouth and I took him in my hand. He was still as big as I remembered and my hand closed round the base of his cock, moving my mouth closer, giving and experimental lick at the tip, a loud wail escaping from Steve. I kissed around the crown, wetting it as I went before I opened my mouth wide enough and started to close round the tip. Just having this much in my mouth was heaven and I wanted to deep throat him right away, but continued to tease him instead, sliding down his cock a little before drawing back up.

“Shit, Bucky” I heard Steve above me spurring me on. I moved down a little more and swiped my tongue round feeling the vein running up his cock. Steve’s breathe quickened and his hand moved to my head, his figures weaving through my hair.

Without warning, I took him deep into my mouth, the tip of his cock almost hitting the back of my throat and I hummed as I slide back up. The shout that came from Steve was a wonderful sound to here so I continued to deep-throat him, his figures pulling on my hair spurring me on and I moved faster, swallowing around him every time he hit the back of my throat. I felt him pull harder, and the muscles of his abs start to quiver notifying me that he was going to cum and I wanted him to cum in my mouth so I increased my pace the chant of “Bucky, Bucky, Bucky” getting louder and louder before his cum filled my mouth and I swallowed it down, loving the taste.

I slipped his cock out of my mouth and looked up. He was breathing heavy, a little sheen of sweat coating him and a look of pure joy and amazement on his face. I sat there waiting for him to come down from his high and once he focused back on me, he hauled me up to his height, placing a searing kiss on my lips, both groaning.

I pulled away enough to speak “I love you Steve”

“I love you too Bucky”

I manhandled him up the bed so he was lying at the top of the bed, legs splayed and pulled my jeans and boxers off, releasing my throbbing cock and moved so I could lie on top of him, between his thighs, cocks rubbing together, mouth’s open trying to kiss each other. Steve started to grind up giving us both the friction we needed, moaning in to each other’s mouths the heat building again.

“Shit” Steve spoke, breaking away from the kiss

“What?” I asked

“Um… well I don’t have anything” he told me sheepishly

“I don’t think we have to worry about that” I told him leaning my head to the bedside table. There on the table was a bottle of lube and condoms. _‘bless that woman’_ I thought as I reached over for the lube. I held up the condom and looked at Steve who took it from me and tossed it, clearly not needing it. I raised my eyebrow to question him, but he just smiled and kissed me again.

I pulled away from him to open up the bottle cap and coated three fingers, running my hand over them to warm the lube up. Steve moved a pillow under his hips and I moved over him and ran a figure over his hole, watching him and began to push my index finger in slowly, seeing Steve sealing his eyes shut.

“You okay Steve?” I asked concerned

“Yeah, just go slow” he breathed out

“Have you…Have you been with anyone else?” I asked him

“Not since you” he told me.

“But you said…” he didn’t give me a chance to finish my sentence

“Was always on top” he admitted sheepishly

This filled my heart with joy and I surged up to kiss him hard, emotions overwhelmed with the fact that he had only ever bottomed out with me and no one else.

“I’ll go slow” I promised him in between kisses and moved my finger in and out slowly, giving him the chance to get used to the feeling again. When he started to sigh and whimper quietly, I took this as a sign to pull out one finger and added a second one. I stopped when they were in his hole, letting him breathe. After a minute I slowly moved them in and out, waiting for the sign from Steve to start scissoring them, going gently until I hit his prostate and he yelled out in pleasure, making it known that I had hit the right spot. I continued to scissor my fingers and plunging them in to his arse. He started to move back onto my hand to get more and I added the third finger, opening him up further.

“Fuck Bucky, I’m ready” he started to beg above me and I knew I couldn’t tease him any longer. I removed my fingers, picked up the bottle of lube, coated my cock and threw the bottle on the floor. I leaned over him, putting my metal hand above his head for leverage, flesh hand on my cock, guiding it towards his awaiting arse. I held there for a moment, just taking in his appearance, his hair all slick, the sweat shining on his skin and his mouth open, pupils wide and I began to push in, the crown of my head breaching.

We both had to breathe for a moment before I continued, going as slow as I could to make sure I didn’t hurt Steve. When I bottomed out, I had to catch my breath, not daring to move in case I blow my load too soon. Steve wrapped his arms around my back and leaned up to kiss me before ordering me to “move damn it”.

I pulled out slowly, watching the pleasure run over Steve’s face and pushed back in just as slow, making Steve moan. It was heaven being inside Steve again, the feeling of his walls contracting round my cock almost making me want to cum, but I wanted to make this good for Steve and my god just the sight of him made me grown in the back of my throat. I started at a slow pace, watching Steve’s every move, noting the sighs coming from his lips as I moved in causing me to sigh with pleasure at finally being back where I belonged. His hands began to run over my back and up to my neck, pulling my head down for a passionate kiss, Steve trying to dominate the kiss, but I wasn’t letting up. The more he fought for dominance the more I fought back, until he gave up and submit to my mouth, us panting into each other’s mouth. My flesh hand wandering over his chest to take his sensitive nipple in between my fingers.

Between my dick moving in and out of his hole, my tongue running all around the inside of his mouth, touching his tongue and his nipple between my figures, I was attaching all of his sensitive spots and he was beginning to fall apart under my ministrations. Moaning into my mouth and moving back onto my cock as I filled him. I began to speed up my thrusts moving a little faster and harder, changing the angle slightly to hit his prostate. I knew I hit it when he broke away for my mouth and moaned loudly “Shit, right there” he told me and I thrust harder moaning just as loud, hitting his prostate on every re-entry. Sensing that he was going to come soon as his panting speed up, I moved my flesh hand to his cock and begun pumping him in time with his thrusts. Steve began a chant of my name mixed with moans, sighs and Ah Shit with every movement I made, his hands grabbing on to my shoulders, his fingers digging into my skin as he came hard, his seed spilling over my hand and his walls constricting on my cock, making it difficult for me to move. As he was still coming, I continued to thrust into him, chasing my own orgasm, not able to keep going for long before the damn finally broke and I spilled into his arse. I almost collapsed on top of him, but managed to move just to the right so I was over him, but laying close, both panting, coming down from our highs.

It was Steve who recovered first, turning his head so he was staring at me, before placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

“That was amazing” he smiled at me, his hand resting on the side of my face

“Yeah, worth the wait I would say” I replied leaning into his hand.

We stayed that way for a couple more minutes, kissing slowly before I moved, slipping out of him and went to get a towel, nearly tripping over a towel that was on the floor next to the bed. I picked it up and showed Steve, which made us giggle at how thorough Natalia really was, once we were both cleaned up, Steve and I lay on our sides facing each other, arms caressing one another.

“Thank you” Steve said to me

“For what?” I asked

“For everything. For being here when I had my set-back, for helping it through me and for not leaving me despite any of it” he spoke quietly

“Well, had things happened differently, you wouldn’t have had to go through all of that and I’m still sorry for it” I told him

“It’s all in the past now. Let’s look to the future” he smiled and kissed me gently

“Go to sleep my love” I told him and he smiled, before leaning his head on my shoulder cuddling up to me. It wasn’t long before I joined him, the last things on my mind being how mind blowing our night was and the need to find a way to thank Natalia properly for looking after and piecing back together this wonderful man lying in my arms. Both of us slept peacefully with the knowledge that together and with a lot of help, we can concur anything life will through at us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this wasn't too bad and conveyed all of the love and emotion i was trying to put in it.  
> Happy, Happy chapter :-)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve had an amazing night and now it was time to move forward and prove that his Demon cannot control or stop him from anything he put's his mind too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy, fluffy chapter  
> Thank you for the Kudos & comments - you are all amazing

Chapter 23 – Steve’s POV

What a night. I have never felt as loved as I did when Bucky made love to me last night. He was so gentle when he found out that I haven’t bottomed for 70 years and he took me apart in ways I never dreamed of. When he made me cum just by sucking me off, it took a few moments to come down from my high and I was hoping he would let me suck him off too because I miss the feel of his cock in my mouth, but he shocked me by moving me up the bed and prepared me to take him. It was the best night of my life and beat our very first time hands down.

I woke before him this morning and took the opportunity to just lay here and watch him sleep. This was the most peaceful I have ever seen him. Usually he’s been awake before me and would always check to see how I am, but here and now he was laying here, metal arm on the pillow above his head, breathing softly and the occasional eye movement. Despite everything we have been through, the war, the ice, the Winter Soldier and the months of being ignored, we still managed to make our way back to each other. I just wish things had been different.

But throughout my experience I have developed a much better understanding of myself, a better understanding of Mental Health illnesses and an admiration of everyone who lives with them. Because of Natalia and Jack’s help and encouragement, it’s made me want to do something to help others, to pay their help and kindness forward and help others. It just go to show that with the right people around me, I was able to come out of this a better and stronger person.

Bucky started to stir a little and I wanted to pay him back for last night first. Wanted to make him feel as good as he made me. 

I started to brush my hand over his chest, feeling along his scars. I know they bother him sometimes, but they are a part of him and prove that he is a survivor and I loved every part of him. My hand ghosted over his chest slowly moving downwards. Bucky hasn’t woken up yet so I continued to move my hand, tucking my head under his chin so I could feel his chest rise and fall. We were both naked so I didn’t have to worry about moving my hand under boxers, I could just place me hand on his cock. It was semi hard and I ran my hand up and down, giving him a slow and gentle hand-job, really it’s just to get him to wake up a little but not fully. When I felt him grow hard, I silently moved down his body, placing gentle kisses on my way down, dipping under the cover and placed a kiss to his hip before kissing the crown of his cock before opening my mouth and sinking down slowly. I hear him stir a little and a small moan escape but he made no other movements, so I continued to bob my head up and down, applying pressure with my tongue on the underside of his cock. As I begin to move a little fast, I feel his hand on top of my head and I took a glance up at him, meeting him eye to eye, a glint of mischief sitting here but I make no move to stop, instead increasing pressure and speed, one hand on his balls while his hand guiding my movements as I bring him close and close to the edge. His moans increased in volume combined with ‘Shit’ and ‘so good Steve’, the tightening of his hand on my hair the only warning he gave me before he was coming, his seed spilling into my mouth and I swallowed without thinking.

He pulled me off his cock, straight up to his lips in a searing kiss until we needed to break for air.

“Fuck, now that’s a wakeup call” he commented when he released my lips, a smile adorning his face. I just chuckled and kissed him again, letting him taste himself.

The ringing of his phone stopped us mid kiss.

“Oh come on, you have got to be kidding” Bucky sighed loudly and moved to pick up his phone and put on loud speaker.

“Yeah?” 

“Bucky, attack on the city, you’ve got 5 minutes got get your arse here” came Tasha’s voice

“Now?” he questioned

“Don’t make me come and get you” she threatened and hung up

“Got to go Babe” he said as he moved to get out of the bed, kissing the top of my head as he got ready but I could see he didn’t want to go, so I slide to the side of the bed, slipped my boxers on and walked over to him, his back facing me. I put my arms round his middle and told him to be careful.

“I’ll be at the tower waiting” I promised him. This seemed to spur him on and he put his suit on, kissed me one more time and smiled as he headed out.

When he was gone, I got in the shower and jerked myself off before getting dressed. I looked around my room and my eyes fell upon my shield sitting in the corner. I haven’t touched it since my set-back. I picked it up and heading to the tower, keeping my eyes open in case the attack was near.

When I got to the tower, Natalia was there with Jessie watching telly before I said anything she spoke.

“Good night I hope” she turned around and grinned

“Like you have to ask” I responded

“You doing something with that?” she pointed to my shield

“Thinking of maybe having a go at the training simulator” I admitted “might as well”

“Come on then” she got up and walked with me to the training room.

I showed her how to work the simulator and went into the room ready for the first session. I wanted to get myself back to peak physical ability. I started with just myself with my shield. It still felt a little heavy and I found that I had to lift it and throw it a few times before it felt like I was holding nothing. I then got Natalia to start the first simulation. It didn’t go very well. Despite aiming right and thinking hard about what I needed to do to get the shield to hit the target and bounce back to me, it always landed elsewhere and it frustrated me to the point where I wanted to give up. I was never going to get this right. A voice from the doorway brought me back to the room.

“You’re trying too hard” Natalia said

“Sorry?” I was confused

“I said you’re trying too hard. You’re so focused on getting things right that you’re thinking about it too much and it’s putting you off”

“It’s so frustrating. I’ve never had this problem, ever since I get the shield” I told her

“In the old video’s they show at the museum, it looked like you did even think about it, like it was just instant” she smiled

“You went to the museum?” I quizzed

“Excuse me if I wanted to know just who I was letting into my apartment” she joked “The point I’m trying to make is that it looked like you didn’t even have to try before”

“Huh, so maybe I should just rely on my instincts” Natalia stepped back so I had room. I stood there and took a deep breathe in then letting it out slowly, clearing my mind and focused solely on the shield rather than my target. I saw it in my sights and threw my shield. It hit my target, bounced off the side wall and landed back into my hand. I was stunned.

“Bingo” she said before leaving the room, going back up to the computer “Again?” she said over the intercom. I nodded and she started another one up. I took them down with ease. For the next 30 minutes, Natalia would start up a simulation, a little harder than the last and I took them down without even thinking about it. My movements and actions all instinctual. 

When I finished the last one, I heard clapping from above and looked up to see the team standing there, beaming down at me. It embarrassed me a little that they stood there and watched me, but I felt proud of myself that I managed to do it.

Bucky was the first to come into the room, lifting me up and hugging me.

“I’m so proud of you” he told me as he put me back on the ground as the team came onto the room to congratulate me. All the while Natalia stood back at the door, a proud smile on her face.

Natalia and I stayed the night at the tower. I was curled up on the sofa with Bucky, his arms wrapped around me securely so I couldn’t go anywhere, not that I wanted to while everyone else was either sitting on the floor, playing games or on the other sofas talking, just enjoying each other’s company.

Each day I would practice more in the simulation room and gradually I was joined by other members of the team, pairing up and taking the simulations down. I worked hard to get where I wanted to be, but remained aware of my mental health and the limits I could go to before I needed to take a break.

Bucky and I would alternate where we would stay each night but would only have sex at the tower as there was soundproofing and I really didn’t want to disturb Natalia. Sex with Bucky would usually be slow and sensual and he would take me apart so wonderfully I wondered why we never did this before. Occasionally if a mission went badly, I would spend the night with Bucky just lying next to him, listening to him rant away, letting him to get it all out which would usually end in a little rough sex, letting him get all his frustration on, but by god did he make it feel so good. He would do everything he can to make sure I cum first and take care of me afterwards like he was afraid that it would remind me of the times during the war as he told me one night. He never wants me to remember the bad stuff and was determined to make up for all his wrong doings. But as I pointed out to him, I didn’t help at all so really I needed to make it up to him as well and although he would let me suck him off and make him cum and then make love to me.

As I was getting better physically, Tony wanted to help me mentally prepare for rejoining the team and his suggestion was to help him plan missions. We would talk strategy, getting in and out safely and then go over the plan and how it went. My first couple of plans worked well and everyone got in and out safely although I refused to plan any of Bucky’s missions because I was too scared of something going wrong and him getting hurt because one of my plans went wrong. The demon would still talk to me every now and then and would always bring Bucky into it. 

But even the best laid plans can go wrong. Tasha was out getting information on a new Hydra infraction and we needed to know what they were up to, but she was spotted and had to fight her way out. Because I didn’t plan it right, she got injured and Tony had to go and rescue her. As much as she insisted it wasn’t my fault, I took the blame and spent the a couple of hours apart from the team, hiding away while my demon spoke about how it was all my fault and that she wouldn’t have gotten injured if Tony had planned the mission. Bucky and Natalia found me hiding away in one of the spare rooms, sat with me with one arm around my shoulders and just waited, not saying anything while I fought the internal battle with in me. When I finally won, I looked up at them, smiled and spoke to them for a while about what went on in my mind. Neither commented, just let me talk, getting it all out in the open and I realised that I can beat this on my own if I need too but they would always be there to ground me. 

I learnt a valuable lesson then, I can’t take the blame when unexpected things happen. I can only deal with things inside of my control, anything outside of that is not my fault. So I took the chance and planned one of Bucky and Tasha’s missions. It would take him away from me for a week which was daunting, but I had the rest of the team and Natalia so I knew I would be fine. I just hoped he would be safe and come back home to me.

It was one of those missions where we had to maintain radio silence unless they needed immediate evacuation. However it wasn’t simple and we received word from Tasha that they would be there for another week. Not what I wanted to hear but I gave me a chance to surprise them when they do get back.

While they were away, I made an important decision. After moving out over 18 months ago, I felt now was the right time to move back home. I had just one request of Tony, I will move back, but we needed to give Natalia the option to move in with us. After everything she has done for me and all the help she has given Bucky and the team to help understand what I was going through, I couldn’t just move out and leave her on her own. I wanted to give her a family as well. 

While we all had our own floors, we did tend to spend most of our time together. We had an unused floor above our main room and I convinced Tony to turn it into an apartment for her which he did quietly so she didn’t know what we were up to. By the time it was finished, I had begun to move some of my stuff back without anyone noticing.

We surprised her with it a week after it was fully completed. By this time Tasha and Bucky were back and they were told what we had done. They didn’t know I had already begun to move back, that I wanted to surprise them with.

I told Natalia that I had something I wanted to show her, but I had to put a blindfold on. She was reluctant, but agreed and I lead her up the stairs to her own floor. I opened the door and the whole team where there and took the blindfold off. She gasped in shock.

“What the…?”

“Natalia, I wanted to do something to thank you for everything you have done and I want you to feel like you have a life and family here with us so I was hoping that you would move here so you could be close to us” I told her quickly.

She looked at me and then the team, before Jessie came running in and having a sniff around.

“Have a look round” Tony suggested and without saying anything she went off, looked I the bedroom, the kitchen and even the little garden. I stood there nervous that she would say no and stood with Bucky, holding his hand.

Natalia came back into the front room, looked down at Jessie and said “What do you think girl? Like it?” which made Jessie wag her tail and go back to the garden.

“Well Jessie likes it” she said slowly before moving over to us “Are you sure you can put up with me?” she asked them

“We do anyway” Tasha joked 

“Please say yes” Wanda asked

Before anyone could say anything more to convince her, she walked over to me put her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me tightly.

“I would love to be a part of your family” she told me which made me so happy I picked up off the floor and swung her around, making her laugh before I put her back down, but not letting her go.

The team surrounded us and each hugged her, welcoming her to the family. Bucky was the last one and he hugged her tightly. 

“Welcome home” he told her before he bent down and picked Jessie up “And you” which made Jessie lick his face.

“So when are you two moving in?” Sam asked

“Well I have started already, just have to help Natalia move her stuff” I told him

“Really?” Bucky’s face lit up hearing that

“Yeah” I responded before he pulled me into a searing kiss, a smile adorning his face when he broke free “Finally we get to have you home”.

Everyone pitched in to help us move our stuff in and we had a little ‘Welcome home’ party, an evening of drinking, laughs and fun. I felt that my life couldn’t get any better, but it was my birthday in a couple of weeks and Bucky keeps hinting about a special present. This should be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah Steve is back with his family and has an additional memeber.  
> Steve's birthday is coming up in the next chapter. Lets see what Bucky has in store for him


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is thrilled watching Steve train and move back in so it time to give Steve one of the best birthdays ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice happy chapter, with added Smut, Yay
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments, they are all appreciated

Chapter 24 – Bucky’s POV

Bloody Tasha, calling me just after Steve gives me the best morning blow job. I was really hoping to return the gesture but got that call. I didn’t want to leave him. We had just experienced the best night and now here I was, in the middle of a battle when I could be in his bed. It didn’t take us long to overwhelm our enemy and we were back at the tower before I knew it.

I went to the Rec room expecting to see Steve and Natalia there, but was greeted by Jessie instead.

“JARVIS?” I called our AI

“Yes Bucky?”

“Is Steve here?”

“Yes. Captain Rogers and Natalia are in the training simulator room”

Tony and I looked at each other, confused as to why they would be there. We made our way, the simulator area of sealed off so someone was in there. We went to the computer room and saw Natalia at the computer, looking out the window into the room. She spotted us out of the corner of her eye, directed us to come over but not say anything. We stood there, looking out of the window and watched Steve take one simulated enemy down after the other. He took them out with grace and easy we hadn’t seen before. By the time he was done, the whole team were watching and we couldn’t help but clap and cheer for him. I ran down and couldn’t stop myself from praising him.

Watching Steve train and seeing him take down each simulation shows that he’s even better now than ever. His reflexes and strength honed to a fine skill and with this his intuition was sharper. Having his input for missions was invaluable. Sure Tony was a great planner, but Steve tends to spot where we could be ambushed or notice when something could go wrong.

I was a bit upset when Steve would refuse to plan any of my missions but after speaking to him late one night, I realized that he was scared to plan any in case they went wrong. I saw how he reacted when Tasha’s mission went wrong and he was scared it would be worse with me. I completely understood and didn’t push it, waiting for him to choose the right time. He did come round eventually and Tasha and I were sent off. We executed his plan perfectly and it made him stronger knowing that his plans can work. Even the ones that don’t go according to plan just helped him improve mentally.

After getting back from our last mission, Steve explained to me that he was going to ask Natalia to move into the tower when he decided he was going to move back. He gave no indication when that might be and I thought we were a few more months down the line. However he soon put a stop to that line of thought. After Natalia agreed to move in with us, Steve dropped the bomb that he had already started to move back in. 

I was unbelievably happy I am now that Steve was moving back home and had convinced Natalia to move in. I have to admit I loved that woman. Not only did she help piece my beloved Steve back together but helped me in ways my own therapist couldn’t. Like Steve I found her easy to talk to and I felt blessed to have the two people who mean the world to me living under the same roof. 

He’s moved back at the best time as well. It was his birthday in a couple of weeks and I wanted to make it a special occasion. We missed his last birthday and I had the perfect present for him. All the time we’ve been having sex, I have always topped. In fact I have never bottomed. So for his birthday, my present to him, I was going to let him top and take my virginity. 

Everything was quite for a week after they had moved in. It gave us a chance to have a breather and just relax. We don’t get it often enough and usually Tony would check around just in case we were needed. We were on hand at any time, but nothing happened. So we had a chance to get used to have Natalia living with us. Sure she’s stayed over a few times, but having someone new in the tower, getting used to our routine was a little strange for all. Someone would always be up to something, be it training, suit maintenance or in the gym. The tower was a flurry of activity most of the time but somehow she managed to keep herself occupied. It would still take some getting used to though.

Today it was decided that we were just going to sit back and relax with some movies and food, none of us really wanting to do much else. Steve had his therapy appointment so I was waiting for him to get back from that. I was nervous because Steve was going to ask about coming back onto the team. Part of me was hoping he would be allowed, but a small part of me was hoping he would stay at home, safe and out of harm’s way. Call me selfish, but after the last time he was out in the field, I was scared it could happen again. Sure, he’s much stronger and in better physical and mental shape, but anything could set him back.

Steve came back a couple of hours later, beaming from ear to ear.

“Good news?” Tony spoke

“Yeah. I can come back out into the field” He stated looking like he was going to jump up and down at any point

“Really?” I quizzed

“Yeah. Jack says I’ve made plenty of progress so he can’t see any reason why not. And before any of you call him to check I am not lying, he gave me this” he held up a piece of paper. Sure enough it was from his therapist confirming what he told us.

“Well damn, Captain America is back in business” Natalia spoke, standing up and walking over to him

“Couldn’t have done it without you” he told her, pulling her into a bear hug

“You did most of the work you know” she said when he released her “I just kept kicking you up the arse”

“Don’t down play everything you did” he told her sternly which made her poke her tongue out at him in jest

“I think this calls for a small celebration” Tony proclaimed “Captain America is back and the Avengers are back up to full strength. God help anyone who attacks the city now”

That night, while lying in Bed with Steve, worrying thoughts passed through my head. Steve could tell I was distracted.

“Everything okay Bucky?” he asked me

“You want the truth?” I asked him and he nodded so I continued “I’m worried”

“What about? Me going back out in the field?” he responded, sitting up against the headboard

“Yes” I admitted quietly

“If you’re worried about me having another set-back…” I interrupted him before he could continue

“It’s not just that. Yes I’m worried you might have a set-back, but more of you getting hurt as well. You’ve not been out there in a long time and the enemy have noticed. What’s going to happen if they realise you’re back? What if they set their sights on you alone?” I babbled on, Steve letting me get it all out in the open

“Bucky, it’s the nature of the job” he pulled me into his arms “Besides I have you and the team as back up. Nothing is going to happen as long as we work together”

His reassurance worked a little, but he could see I wasn’t going to sleep at this rate, so he took matters into his own hands and distracted me by kissing me, hands trailing towards my cock. He gave me a few strokes before moving down and taking me into his mouth working me through all my worries before I climaxed into his mouth. Not wanting to leave him hanging, I returned the favour and made him cum. Both feeling sleepy now, we cuddled up together and finally got to sleep.

It didn’t take long before the Avengers we call to stop the city from being attacked. It was yet another Hydra attacked. Damn these fuckers won’t quit. We suit up and Steve runs us through the battle plan. Before he left, he gave Natalia a quick reassuring hug, promising that we would all be careful. She does worry about us. Tony and Sam were to get the higher agents on top of the buildings. Tasha, Clint, Hulk and Wanda were to break them up into fractions and heard them towards me and Steve so we could take them down. Working side by side was a good idea. I was worried he would send me off, but we always did work better side by side.

It was all going too well. Steve and I were taking the agents out before any of them realised that Steve was back in the field, but just as I feared, once they realised, they concentrated all of their efforts on Steve, coming from every angle. Steve called to the team to meet us and join up, but it took a couple of minutes to get to us. In the meantime, Steve and I were working our way through every agent we could. One of them took a cheap shot from behind me, but Steve spotted it and managed to put his shield between me and a bullet. Once we had regrouped, it was easier to take the rest of them down.

Asides from a few cuts and bruises, there were no major injuries but we still got checked out by Cr Cho just in case. One too many cases of us not being honest about our injures and now it’s a mandatory check-up. Natalia was outside in the observation area while we all got checked out. I stood beside her when it was Steve’s turn.

“You doing okay there?” I found myself asking as she was looking a little more anxious than usual

“I don’t think I can do this” she spoke quietly

“Do what?” I was confused

“This. The constant worrying about you all when you’re fighting to protect the city. Not knowing what state you’re all going to come back in” she spoke, clearly apprehensive and embarrassed about what I might think

“Yeah having Steve out there is nerve wracking” I responded, putting my arm round her shoulders

“Oh I was like this way before today. As I got to know you all, that’s when it started up” she confessed

“I don’t suppose anything I say will make you less anxious?” I asked

“Don’t think so. I’m used to living alone and not having anyone to care about before. Then this big lug ends up moving in and suddenly I have a family that I’m scared to lose”

I don’t think it occurred to any of us that asking her to be a part of our family could have such a negative effect on her and it showed when we were in the Rec room, licking our wounds. She would cuddle up close to Steve and I, much like he did when he was having a bad day. With everything that has happened, the last thing any of us would want is for this to stress her out. She told us once that she was allergic to stress and none of us believed that until Steve and I saw first had what it did to her. She would go hyper-manic, have too much energy than she knew what to do with and would make rash decisions that any normal person would have the insight to avoid.

Speaking to Steve when we were alone we needed to come up with a way that she could see that everything was alright. Steve suggested the cameras that Tony would have follow us in the battles so we could go over the footage and see what we could improve or what went wrong. I broached the subject to Tony about Natalia having access to the footage as we were in battles which would also allow her to hear what was going on as well. In any other circumstances he would shut the idea down, but decided that we owed her. Sure it wasn’t a full proof plan and if anything went wrong she would see and hear it, but at least she didn’t have to rely on unreliable news footage.

It seemed to do the trick because she wouldn’t need the feel that she had to watch as we had our check-ups and would be a lot more settled. It didn’t stop her from cuddling up with Steve after, but it wasn't a clingy cuddle like it would be the last time she would or fuss over the whole team. She clearly cared about us all.

With Steve’s birthday coming up, there were a few disagreements as to how we would celebrate it. Tony wanted to host a big party, inviting everyone we knew over which Sam and Clint agreed to, but Tasha, Wanda and I suggested keeping it a low key affair. We didn’t want to overwhelm him with something huge, plus this would be the first birthday we would share with him in a while so we wanted him to be surrounded by his family.

Tony eventually conceded but he told us he would plan one big surprise.

In between planning Steve’s birthday, we had a couple of attacks on the city, but it was more to draw Steve out, with him back, they wanted to take him out. But as a team we worked together and beat the enemy back. No one was getting to Steve all the time I am around.

The day of Steve’s birthday arrived and there was an air of excitement the night before. No one has told Steve that we are taking him out tonight, that was part of his surprises for the day.

I woke early and untangled myself from his warm body so I could make him breakfast in bed. I’m not usually an early riser but today I was determined to make it a special day for him. I came back in to find he was still asleep, facing away from me. Putting the tray on the bedside table, I woke him with gentle kisses to the back of his neck and shoulders and felt him begin to stir slightly but remained in the same position. I started to run my hands up and down his arm and his back. I heard him release a quite sigh so I maneuvered him on to his back. His eyes fluttered open and he gave me a lazy smile. I propped myself up on my metal hand as I leaned down to connect our mouths and kissed him passionately, but gently and he responded with a small moan. I prodded his mouth, asking for entrance and he willing gave me it, letting my slide my tongue over his, still going slow. I was not rushing this, we had time before the rest of the team would be up. I brushed my flesh hand through his hair and he sighed into my mouth. I began to move my hand down his face to his cheeks, brushing it gently before heading down his neck. When my hand reached the base, I changed my tactic and started to run my bunt nails over his collarbone going from left to right.

I released his mouth for a moment to allow us to catch our breath before going back in for another intoxicating kiss. I moved my hand again towards his sensitive nipples and ran the pad if my thumb over one before pinching it slightly, causing Steve to groan, I smiled into the kiss and continued to explore his chest, going to his other nipple, repeating my actions. Steve started to moan a little more and hen both his nipples where hard I went lover, tracing each one of his ribs, down his abs and ran my hand over to his hips. He cantered them up, trying to get me to touch his cock, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I needed to tease him some more, so I went down the outside of his thigh then up the inside, moving my hand to his other thigh before I reached his cock. A muffled moan of my name came from him as a plea for me to touch him where he wanted me too. I released his mouth and chuckled.

“You want something baby?” I teased

“You’re a jerk” he responded when I ghosted my hand over his cock but then moved it to his stomach. He was rock hard by this point and I knew he wanted me to take him in my hand. I continued to tease him instead, lightly touching his cock and then running it over different part of his body. He moved his hips to meet my hand but I always moved it just out of his way.

“I hate you” he muttered

“No you don’t” I stated and finally gripped his cock, causing him to shudder. I moved my hand up and down his solid cock slowly, taking in his moans.

“I’m going to die of old age at the rate you are going” he spoke

I didn’t respond to him, instead I started to kiss the side of his neck and he leaned away from me so I could get to as much as I could. My tongue running over his pulse point and followed the same path with my mouth that my hand took, all the while stroking him. By the time I was down to his hips, he was muttering curses at me for going ‘too damn slow’ and tried to move his hips up into my hand to get me to speed up. I used me metal hand to keep him in place. 

“Patience” I told him and licked up the underside of his cock, using my hand to hold it in place. I licked and kissed every inch of his cock, enjoying the pleas coming from him. In one swift move, I took him in my mouth, going all the way down to the base of his cock, feeling the tip brush the back of my throat. 

“BUCKY!” Steve shouted. God was I pleased for soundproofing because I pretty sure that would have woken the whole tower up. I wanted to smile of laugh, but that’s very hard to do when you’re deep-throating your boyfriends massive cock so I pulled myself up until only the tip remained in my mouth and deep-throating him again. I did this another three times, before preceding to bob my head up and down at an excruciatingly slow pace. As much as he wanted too, he couldn’t move his hips, my hands securing them to the bad.

“Fuck Bucky… please” he started to beg. I released his cock to speak

“Please what?” I grinned

“Fuck, just do something, anything please” he wasn’t sure what he wanted. I took him into my mouth again and went a little faster, grabbing the lube from the floor where it was left last night and coated two of my fingers and while I distracted him, I slipped one into his arse, causing him to groan loudly. While I didn’t speed up my actions on his cock, I did go faster to open him up, slipping the second finger in him and began to scissor them. He started to thrust down on to my fingers and then up into my mouth, getting a double dose of pleasure, and he was moaning and gasping with every thrust.

When I decided he was ready, I released his cock with a pop, removed my fingers and went to grab the lube but Steve was a faster and grabbed it before I could. He coated his hand and gripped my cock. I hissed in pleasure and he coated me before laying back on to the bed, tipping his hips up in silent invitation.

I leaned down, covering his body with mine, kissing him until we were both breathless. Using my metal hand, I guided my cock to his entrance. Looking him in the eyes, I started to enter him, taking my time to fill him. When I was balls deep, I stopped to take in his appearance. Following the flush from his cheeks to his chest, watched as he took deep breathes, waiting.

I moved to sit up on my knees, bring Steve with me so he was sitting on my lap, his thighs either side of mine, causing the head of my cock prod his prostate, taking him off guard. I cantered my hips up slightly, holding him steady and I started to thrust shallowly. He caught on quickly and started to rise up and down, meeting my thrusts half way. I held him close the whole time, hearing his sighs and moans. No matter how hard he tried to, I did not speed up. I wanted this to be as slow and sensual for as long as I could make it. 

I guided his movements so he didn’t speed up until I wanted him too. Eventually his sighs turned to whines, and he started to beg me to speed up. Feeling that I had teased him enough, I started to increase the pace of my thrusts. Hitting his prostate dead on and he howled in pleasure. He lifted his hips and slammed them down as I thrust up. Each thrust getting harder until he was panting in my ear. I pushed him back on to the bed, took hold of his hips and gave him what he was begging for. I set a brutal pace, thrusting into him hard. The volume of his moans increasing with every hit to his prostate. I took his cock back into my hand, jerking off as fast as I was thrusting into him. It didn’t take long for him shout out his release as he came all over his chest as he clenched around my cock. I continued to thrust into him, drawing out his orgasm for as long as I could before I came, buried deep within him.

I exited from him and flopped beside him as we came down from our orgasms.

“What brought that on?” Steve asked when he could finally talk.

I turned his head to meet mine, kissed him on the lips and then spoke “Happy birthday”

Steve smiled at me and kissed me “tease” he said when he released me.

“I also made you breakfast” I told him, indicating towards the tray

“Good, you’ve made e work up an appetite” he joked ad sat up while I passed him the tray.

We ate in silence before we moved into the shower. I washed him from head to toe before washing myself quickly. We dried off, got dressed and heading to the rec room, where I knew the ream had gathered.

To say Steve was a little speechless was an understatement. There where the team sitting round a big pile of presents. Tasha spotted us first.

“Oh good, you’re up. I thought Bucky would be keeping you to himself all day” she joked before coming over to him and wishing him a happy birthday before dragging him away from me so the rest of the team could hug him too. Even Thor was able to come down and spend the day with Steve.

He sat down on the floor and begun to unwrap the presents. Taking his time to remove the paper carefully. Most of what he got was new clothes, art supplies from me and a new evening suit. When Steve questioned the suit, Tony told him that he would need it later. Of course Sam had to go down the smutty route and buy him some more lube and even a couple of sex toys which caused him to blush and the rest of us laugh.

He saved mine and Natalia’s presents last. Natalia had gotten hold of a multi picture frame that included one of me and Steve curled up on the sofa. One of the whole team ad a picture of me, her and Jessie. He pulled her in for a hug and then moved onto mine. Of course my real present he would get later, but I had to get him something. I found an old picture of us with the Howling Commandos. I knew he didn’t have one and mentioned to me that he missed them, so I got hold of one and out it into a frame. He looked at it, then me and I could see a tear in his eye. He wrapped his arms around me and I heard him sniffle.

“You okay?” I asked quietly

“Yeah, thank you” he said as he release me. “Thank you all” he addressed the team, getting up to hug everyone. He gave Sam a gentle nudge on the arm before hugging him.

We spent the day lounging around, watching any film Steve wanted, mostly comedies. By 5pm Tony announced that everyone needed to go get changed into their finest as he was taking Steve out for a meal at a posh restaurant.

“Well that explains the suit” Steve giggled before pulling me to my feet and leading me back to the bedroom. We helped each other get ready before meeting everyone back in the lounge. I have to say, everyone cleans up very nicely. All the guys were in suits and the ladies were dresses in long black dresses. 

Tony had a limo take us to the meal and Tony opened a bottle of champagne for the ride there. Wanda and Natalia declined, but everyone else started drinking. We were led to a private room and there were bottles of fine wines, beers and coke. Steve sat at the head of the table and Tony the other end. I was to his left and had Tasha, Clint and Thor my side of the table. Natalia was sitting on his right and had Wanda, Sam and Bruce. Between the chatter, we began to look at the menus. It all sounded amazing and it was hard to choose what to eat. The poor waiter had to come back three times before everyone had decided what they wanted.

The drinks flowed, the food was delicious and everyone was clearly having a great time. I found myself staring at Steve a few times, watching the wrinkle of his eyes when he laughed, talk with such glee in his voice and enjoy his night. 

Tony stood to make a small toast “Happy birthday Steve. It is an honor to spend this special day with you and our somewhat dysfunctional family”. We all wished him a happy birthday and it was his turn to speak.

“Thank you everyone. It’s be a hard time but I think we have a come it of this stronger people and there is no where I would rather be then here with all of you”

“Cheers” we all said together and I leaned over to kiss him. The waiter came back to take away our plates, before returning with a cake. We sung happy birthday and he laughed when he saw the cake. It was in the shape of a 96 with 96 candles on it.

“Surely that is a fire hazard” Clint joked which earned him a middle finger from Steve who blew all the candles out in one go.

“Blimey old man, that’s impressive for someone of your age” Tony giggled

“Shut up. At least I still look good” Steve came back “None of you will look this good when you get to my age”

“You never know. Maybe they will invent a way to keep us all young a beautiful forever” came Tony’s retort

“That’s called vampirism” Natalia piped up

“Fine then I will be a vampire”

“Good, then you’ll have to keep your suit and mask on throughout the day so we won’t have to look at you” Sam teased

“Nah, I’ll be one of those who can walk in the daylight” he laughed making us all laugh along

The cake was finally cut and each was passed a piece. It was a rich chocolate cake with chocolate Strawberries. I fed one to Steve and then kissed him afterwards.

“Get a room” Sam shouted down the table

“We will later” I responded

“We don’t need to know or see what you two get up to” Tasha told us. Oh if only they knew what I had planned.

When we had finished with the meal, we piled back into the limo and went back to the tower and Tony led us to the launch pad, ready for the fireworks display. We all sat down to watch, Steve sitting in between my legs, back to my chest. Natalia was sitting next to Steve and he grabbed her hand, pulling her to rest at our side, her head going to my shoulder. I kissed her head then Steve’s and then turned my attention to the display. 

It was beautiful to watch and each on lit up the night’s sky, the glow showing on everyone and applause went round when it was over. Tony stood and took a cheeky bow as if it was him doing the display when we all knew it was JARVIS, but we let him have it. Hugs were exchanged before we all turned in for the night. Now it was time for my real present for Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for still being here with me. Steve's birthday continues in the next chapter


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve continue the birthday celebrations in the bedroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, need i say more.
> 
> i hope this is enjoyable, i did try

Chapter 25 – Steve’s POV

So far this has been the best birthday ever.

Being woken up by Bucky’s tender touch is one of the best experiences I ever get to have. And for him to tease the heck out of me, going a slow as humanly possible was driving me insane but felt so good. He hasn’t been this gentle or slow since our first time and it made me wonder why we didn’t do this more often, but all thought went out of my hand when he deep-throated me. By god he was good at that. Under his ministrations, I couldn’t stop the noises that escaped my mouth. Trying to hurry him up was a useless endeavor because he wasn’t going to speed up despite my begging and was fully in charge of the pace.

When he finally let me speed up he was still in charge of the pace, his thrusts got more powerful and hit my prostate dead on, giving me very little time to breathe before he had me on my back, showing my why he alone can make me feel so good before making me cum harder than our times before, dragging it out so would cum as well.

When he wished me a happy birthday, it took me a moment to realise what he said. You would think I would remember when my birthday was, but after the recent battles it had completely slipped my mind. Now the slow love making made sense.

By the time we were showered and dressed, I was ready to see the rest of the team. They have a habit to going over the top with birthdays as I wasn’t surprised by the pile of presents. It made me chuckle when Tasha commented about us finally getting up and she pulled me away from Bucky to hug everyone and open my presents. It was lovely to receive new art supplies, you can never have too many. The suit confused me, but I’m sure there is a reason for it.

The pictures from Natalia were beautiful. I didn’t have one of the whole team so it meant a lot to get it. The picture of her and Jessie was cute too. But Bucky’s present was something else. It reminded me of all the good times we had before but also tinged with a bit of sadness, but it was still a thoughtful gift I had to kiss Bucky for it. Those pictures were going on the wall as quickly as I can put them up.

And the meal out was just what I needed. I was worried that Tony had a big birthday party planed, but instead it was an intimate meal with my family and lover. I couldn’t have asked for anything better, well I could have done without the old man jokes but you have to laugh and joke back. 

However you can always trust Tony to do something big and bold. He never could stop himself from showing off. Sitting, watching the fireworks leaning up against Bucky and Natalia was the perfect end to a perfect day. But it seems that Bucky had one more surprise for me.

As soon as Bucky pulled me through the door, he turned to me, pushing me against the door and attacked my mouth, his tongue seeking entrance quickly and dominating the kiss. While I was occupied I felt him remove my jacket, tie and shirt, leaving me bare chested. Not wanting to be the only one, I removed his too.

My hands roamed his back as his skirted along my chest. He pulled me away from the door by my belt loops, moaning into the kiss, guiding us towards the bed, our erections rubbing as we moved together. The backs of his knees hit the bed and he dropped down, pulling me with him so I landed on his lap our cocks rubbing making us both groan, causing us to break apart.

“What do you want Birthday boy?” Bucky grinned at me. I gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“Let me suck your cock” I begged making him chuckle and take my mouth again

“As you asked so nicely” he spoke into my mouth, pulling me closer to him to keep the friction going.

I started to scoot off of his lap, getting on to my knees in front of him but stretching up to keep the kiss going. His tongue licking all around my mouth and as much as I loved having his tongue in my mouth, right now I wanted his cock and damn it it’s my birthday so I’m going to do what the hell I want.

I pulled away from him with an evil gleam in my eye and started to palm him through his trousers watching as he shuddered. I was going to savour this seeing as he teased me this morning. I just knelt there, watching every breath he took in and the slow way he let it out. While one hand was occupied, the other was running up and down this clothed thigh, light touches to drive him crazy and he released quiet sighs.

I ran my hand up to the top of his thigh and over his hips to the popper on his trousers and opened it, slowly pulling the zipper down, giving me enough room to slip my hand in and rub it at the waist line of his boxers. He was a little ticklish there so I ran my fingers over the sensitive area while still palming his cock which made him moan and chuckle at the same time.

“Steve” he sighed and it made my cock twitch. I moved both my hands to his hips, hooking a finger in to the belt loops and started to pull his trousers down, tapping on his hips to signal that he needed to raise them if I was going to pull them off. He lifted up enough for me to remove the offending article of clothing and I pulled them down his legs, chucking them to the side when they were free. 

I took a chance to look at him and god he was gorgeous, head holding steady to look my right in the eye, mouth slightly red from kissing. I couldn’t stop myself from surging up to take his mouth with mine, pushing my tongue into his mouth and licked all over, releasing small gasps in to his mouth, my hand dipping into his boxers to start jerking him off slowly. I left his mouth and started to trail small kisses down his neck, stopping to nip every now and then before changing to bite and suck, leaving hickeys as I moved down. I knew they would fade soon, but it didn’t stop me from marking his skin, his moans and hisses driving my actions forward. I gave him one sharp bite either side of his hip bones and wished they would stay there.

I released my grip on his dick so I could remove his boxers and leaving him in all his naked glory, his cock standing to attention, pre-cum starting to seep out the tip. I ran my tongue along the underside, being sure to trace the vein all the way up and swiped my tongue over the tip, taking the pre-cum on to my tongue and moaned at the taste of him. I placed a quick kiss to the tip and then engulfed him in one go, causing him to shout and lift his hips up so I took more of him in my mouth, I gripped them and held him down on to the bed, stopping him from moving. His hand rested in the top of my head, gently twining his fingers into some of the strands. 

I held his cock in my mouth for a few moments before sliding up to the tip, again holding him there, my hand coming to the base of his cock to hold him steady as I took him apart with a fast paced blow job, making sure to use my tongue and hollowing my cheeks to give him as much friction as possible. He must have been enjoying himself when he stated to moan louder, gripping my hair tightly with every downward slide of my mouth. I could tell he was getting close when he started to release curses. He never was quite.

“Shit, fuck, Steve, damn that’s so good I’m not going to last much longer”

Upon hearing that, I doubled my efforts. When I slid up his dick, my hand followed and the lowered when I did. I moved faster, wanting his cum in my mouth. I was a greedy shit when I want to be and I was getting impatient. I twisted my hand and one swift deep-throat latter he came with a cry and shot his load into my mouth. I swallowed quickly and proceeded to lick him clean. He was still hard so I knew he had another round in him and released his cock from my mouth, looking up at him with a smug grin. 

It took him a moment to calm himself down and he looked at me.

“Smug punk” he smiled and pulled my off my knees and back into his lap so he could plunge his tongue into my mouth, tasting himself. We stayed that way, tongues dancing an old dance before Bucky broke the kiss.

“I’ve got one more present for you” he groaned

“You’ve already given me enough” I told him as I nipped his earlobe

“There’s one thing I have never given you” he took a deep breath and continued “Me”

“I have you” I was confused now

“I meant … god why is this so hard?” he went silent for a moment, clearly trying to voice his thoughts “Okay, in your first letter you spoke about having meaningless sex I was jealous because i thought that others had had you in ways i thought were only reserved for me and then I found out you always topped and i was curious to know ... i guess i what to know what it would feel like so ... Um… well I … “

“Bucky?” I was worried now because he was babbling and he's usually so sure in what he had to say.

“Let me finish. Look, what I’m trying to say is I… I want you to top tonight” he blurted out.

I was stunned for a moment, taking in what he had said before I smiled at him.

“Are you sure?” I asked, looking him in the eye to see if there was any change of heart

“Yes. It’s my last gift to you” I surged forward, taking his mouth in mine, kissing he deeply and with all the passion I could muster. Releasing him from the kiss, I lent my forehead on his.

“I love you Bucky” I spoke, could feel him shudder

“I love you Steve” he spoke quietly, kissing me

“I’ll go slow” I promised him and stood up from his lap to remove my clothes and he scooted up to the head of the bed in anticipation. I could see how nervous he was so I climbed on to the bed and moved to cover his body with mine, taking him mouth in my and started to move gently, rubbing our cocks together, swallowing his sighs. I asked him again if he was sure and he smiled at me, kissing me and told me he was.

Now that I knew he was sure, I trailed my hands up and down his sides, his coming to rest on my back, rubbing small circles. I waiting for him to get hard again before I made my move. Kissing down his neck, his chest towards his cock. I leaned over to grab the bottle of lube that he placed there and made sure he was watching me the whole time as I coated my fingers, warming it up and lowered myself between his open legs so my head was above his cock and gently started to circle his hole, feeling it pulse. Watching him for any signs of pain or discomfort, started to push my finger in. I kissed the inside of his thigh to try and distracted him from the initial burn when I heard him hiss but he didn’t try to stop me or pull away so I sunk my finger in some more. I paused when my finger was all the way in and waiting for him to get used to the intrusion.

He nodded at me when he was ready and I started to move my finger in and out of his tight passage. If it felt this good just having my finger rub is insides, I can’t wait to see how he is going to feel wrapped around my cock.

When he had loosened up a little, I pulled my finger out and replaced it with too. Again he hissed so I took the tip of his cock in my mouth and began to scissor my fingers to open him up for me. I managed to push my fingers in deep enough to hit the small bundle of nerves and he groaned out loud. I sped up a little, making sure to hit his prostate every chance I could.

“More” he began to beg and I couldn’t help but oblige, adding a third finger, increasing the tempo. I kept it up for minutes, just in awe of his moans and the movement of his hips as he started to push back on my fingers.

I couldn’t hold out any longer, I need to be in him now so I removed my fingers, a whimper escaping his lips. I hurriedly coated my aching cock with lube and moved up his body to his lips, capturing them in a searing kiss as I lined myself up with his waiting hole. 

“Ready?” I asked him 

“Do it” he commanded and I started to push inside. By god he was tight. I’ve never felt an arse this tight before and it felt amazing that it was Bucky I was breaching instead of some random stranger. I stopped when the tip of my cock was in him, giving him a chance to breath, placing light kisses to his cheek and nose, which he wrinkled.

I slowly slid inside of him. He’s passage was hot on my cock and I sunk all the way in. I had to stop not only so he could get accustom to having a dick in his arse but also so I could savour the felling of him clenching around me, the light pants he was releasing where beautiful to hear. After what felt like forever he finally told me to move. I raised myself on to my elbows so I could move but also be as close to him as I could, not wanting to break away from him too much.

I began to slid out of him until only the tip was left and then pushed back in, keeping my pace slow as I wanted him to enjoy this and hope that he would want to do this again. If I wanted that I needed to show him just how good he makes me feel. 

Bucky began to release little pants when I would push my cock into him and hisses of pleasure as I pulled out and began to rock his hips gently down as I pushed in. I couldn’t stop myself from talking to him.

“God Bucky, feels so good to be inside you. Want you to enjoy this so much, love you so much” I kept talking, unable to stop myself

“Feels good Steve” I heard him say. Knowing that he was enjoying this I sped up a fraction, driving in a little harder.

“Shit, so good” Bucky moaned and put his hands on my shoulders trying to use the leverage to push down harder. Never one to deny Bucky of anything I drove in harder, changing my angle to locate his prostate. I knew by the shout he released that I had found what I was searching for and continued to hit it every time.

The more he moaned and cursed, the harder I drove in and out. I could sense his end was near as was mine and I wanted him to cum first. I drew my right arm up to take a hold of his neglected cock and began pumping him in time with my thrusts.

The sounds he released were music to my ears. A mixture of moans, pants and curses.

“Shit Steve, gonna cum” he warned me before his cock erupted over my hand and his chest, painting the flushed skin a milky white. I continued to abuse his prostate, prolonging his climax as he constricted around my cock before I could no longer hold out and pushed in hard, grunting load, spilling my seed deep within him, riding out my pleasure with him.

I collapsed on top of him, both panting hard as we came down from our highs. The feel of his fingers running through my hair brought me back to the moment and I looked up to see his eyes shining bright and a grin on his face.

“Fuck that was amazing baby” he spoke, his voice hoarse from shouting. I lifted my head up to meet him half ways and we kissed passionately.

I gently slid out of him and went to get a cloth to clean us both up. I chucked it to one side and climbed up next to him, my head resting on his shoulder and resting my hand over his heart.

“Thank you” I whispered

“For what?” he asked

“For giving me sure an incredible birthday present” I looked at him and saw a glint in his eyes

“It’s not over yet” he said as he rolled us over so he was on top of me “think you’ve got another one in you?” he grinned

“Have you?” I challenged him and he captured my mouth in a kiss before we went another round.

When we were finally spent, we lay tangled together, kissing gently until I could no longer keep my eyes open. I drifted off to sleep, hearing Bucky declare how much he loved me and I cuddled up as close as I could, seeking as much of him as I could. This was most defiantly the best birthday I have had to date and I can only hope for many more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of Steve and Bucky's journey together.
> 
> Originally, i was going to continue this story on with Natalia's POV but hated the direction it was going in, so instead i have decided to complete the story here.
> 
> Thank you for reading

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, this is my first posted works so i quite proud of it.  
> Will be posting more soon  
> any feedback would be greatly appreciated
> 
> **05/08/2017 - Currently re-reading my own work to progress the story and am spotting spelling and Grammar mistakes so will be amending them as and when I spot them**


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